(Closed) Boyfriend going through major difficulties and wants to be friends for now

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

twu123:  when a man wants to be with you he makes it happen- no excuses regardless of what’s going on in his life. His “close friends” thing is unfair bullshit – he does want to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn’t have the guts to just end it and he’s stringing you along as “close friends”. I would just make a clean break and move on with my life. 

Sorry bee! I know it stings.

Post # 3
11587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

If you haven’t had a herniated disc, you really can’t understand what he’s going through. I have, and I couldn’t handle anything. The pain absorbed all of my energy. 

So while normally I would agree with PP, you are expecting a person in terrible, constant pain to be rational and able to think clearly ny taking his statements seriously.  I would stop trying to get what you need ( info,a decision)  from him re commitment right now. Support him as a friend. Back off. Read about the pain levels and if he’s on medication, understand that can impact personality.

after his surgery, he will hopefully recover well and be back to his old self. Then and only then will you have any idea where your relationship is really heading if you choose to stick around.

Post # 4
297 posts
Helper bee

you need to cut off all contact, he’s playing games and using you when it’s convenient because he has no one else

stop trying to fix this mess, the relationship is broken, time to move on!

Post # 6
46402 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Could it be that you both got involved in this relationship much too soon after the end of your previous marriage?

Honestly, he is behaving like a jerk. Constant pain is not an excuse for treating your loved one like crap. If the two of you were thinking of making your relationship permanent before this injury, it would have involved being there for each other through the good and the bad, the thick and the thin.

Post # 7
11587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

julies1949:  maybe it’s an excuse. But nonetheless, it’s common because constant pain changes personalities. This is a fact. I’ve never found ignoring reality helpful,even when I don’t like it. 

this doesn’t justify or excuse his previous behavior, but for anyone to dismiss the reality of long term constant pain while talking about lifetime commitments is almost funny. Good luck with that, I guess. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  BalletParker.
Post # 9
77 posts
Worker bee

An anecdote: My cousin (who is also a nurse) was in a similar situation. She had been dating her boyfriend for about 2 years when he was diagnosed with a herniated disc in his back. He was in constant pain and their relationship deteriorated. He said he didn’t have the energy to deal with their relationship and their “problems” and that he needed to focus on his upcoming surgery and recovery. They were apart for about 6 months. However, once he had his surgery and the pain was gone, he realized that it wasn’t HER he didn’t have the “energy” for, and that their “problems” weren’t actually problems – it was his constant pain manifesting itself into irritation and anger. 2 months after getting back together they moved in together, and 6 months after that they got engaged.

It’s unfortunate that this is happening to you, but from what others have said, and what I’ve seen first hand with my cousin, people who are in that type of pain DO change. The pain is all consuming and it’s difficult for them to focus on the day to day activities in their life while trying to manage the pain. 

Give him time and space, be there for him (if he wants you to be) during his recovery, and see what happens. You may learn along the way that perhaps you are better suited as friends, or he may realize along the way that you’re the best thing that has ever happened to him. But be patient and don’t push too much.

Post # 10
2438 posts
Buzzing bee

twu123: Please, I beg of you:  PARAGRAPHS.  for me it was impossible to read.

Post # 11
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I haven’t read what others have posted about pain and personality changes, but it sounds like the surgery could be frightening, and perhaps he is backing off because he doesn’t know what he can offer you.  Perhaps once the surgery is over, and he is recovering well his pain and fear relieved, your relationship will resume.  If you love him, be there for him and see where this leads in the (hopefully near) future.  

Post # 12
4680 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

It sounds like he’s going through a complicated time, but it’s NOT fair what he’s doing to you.  You can’t be his bit of comfort when he needs it.  

Both of you are still pretty fresh out of marriages… As a 24-yo with recently divorced parents (2 years), I can tell you that my mother who has been with the same guy for 2 years likely shouldn’t be with the guy she’s with, and my father who just wants someone to hold has met a lot of crazy people that have put him through similar things this guy is putting you through.

Step away.  Tell him you both need time to figure out what you want.  Tell him not to contact you unless he has committed to the relationship – but he should really take a good month, at least.  Nonetheless, try not to worry about it, don’t contact him.  You’ve been there all you can, but you need to help you.  He needs to know how to help himself, as well, before he can be a good partner.

Post # 13
2438 posts
Buzzing bee

Coming back to add:  Pain can really alter  your personality.  I have a very painful autoimmune disease and let me tell you, when I am in pain I am not a reallly nice person.  I tell my family to ignore me until my meds kick in. 

I wouldn’t want to make any life altering decisions when I am not myself.

Post # 14
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Tinatiny1:  +1 Ive been suffering with a herniated disc after a car accident two years ago and it’s debilitating. While it didn’t “change my personality” at the core, I lost a lot of motivation in my life and desire to do much until more recently after undergoing some procedures. 

But, it’s not just something that can be easily ignored and passed off as just some pain. It’s constant. 

Post # 15
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

twu123:  Step away. If you can just be a close friend, with no expectations, then do that. If you can’t, then walk away. But in either situation, start dating other people. You dont want to be sitting around waiting for him.

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