Boyfriend got a job in different city. Should I move without engagement?

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3100 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

There’s been no serious talk you said.  So no of course don’t move. *You* are willing to get engaged to him but he’s not willing to get engaged to you.  What does that tell you?

Tons here will respond with how young you both are,  yadda yadda but don’t give up your freedom and options to move in with him as pseudo “wifey”, while he only sees you as a current gf. There’s no reason you couldn’t be engaged (get married 2 years from now) IF he *wanted* to. … but he doesn’t…. That should tell you all you need to know. 

Post # 3
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

kayaa :  I moved for my then-boyfriend, before engagement was really a possibility as we’d only been together 1.5 years. We met at university and he returned to his home town and got a job before I did. I moved to be with him. However, I did not have a job lined up and there were significantly more prospects in his home town than mine. My first job was a really long commute from where I was living with my boyfriend, 2.5 hours each way. It’s exhausting and if he doesn’t have to do the long commute, I’d do what you could for that.

In your situation, I would not move. At least not yet. You’re just starting your career and you have an offer of employment waiting for you where you are now. I’d recommend taking the job and working hard for a few years. I’d also encourage your boyfriend to take his opportunity and do long distance for a few years with a view that at some point, one of you needs to move to further your relationship. You’ve both got fantastic opportunities and moving your career to a new town is significantly easier with some decent experience behind you both.

I would still ask him whether he sees you both getting married in the future. You could also discuss a rough timeline, without specifically looking to get engaged in the next few years until you’re back in the same town. It would still be good to know that you’re on the same page and building towards the same kind of life.

Post # 4
Member
515 posts
Busy bee

kayaa :  

When we often see these threads “should I move without an engagement”, the Bees are often older or established in their career. 

I don’t have a yes or no answer for you, I think ultimately you will need to decide.

I dated my first true love from 19 – 23. We talked about marriage in the future, but both felt too young to get engaged. At 23 we decided to move to Europe to have a new experience, to travel, to enjoy life. We were young. We didn’t need to be engaged to do this move. Ultimately he forgot to apply for a visa in time and that led to a breakup, but I went anways and had a fantastic time.

My current boyfriend was with his previous girlfriend from 20-28 (she was 18-26). She broke up with him to move to Europe and get a Master’s degree. She had followed him around for work and felt like she never got to experience her 20s properly.

If you’re excited to try a big city and think you could find work that sounds like an exciting experience. I would be leary about being engaged that young before you both have experience in the working world and seeing how you deal with post-school life.

Post # 6
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

This is a perfect time to have that serious talk about plans for the future.  Don’t be afraid to talk honestly with him about what your expecations and desires are for commitment, marriage, children, finances, all of it.  This is your life and you should be able to tell him what you want in life and your relationship, and he should do the same.  Please have this conversation before you move, and before you turn down that job you have been offered.

Post # 7
Member
515 posts
Busy bee

One more thing to add – if you moved and it didn’t work out would you be incredibly upset you moved? 

My sister moved at 23 to Australia with her boyfriend. They lived there for a year. She didn’t like Australia, he didn’t want to leave his family. They broke up. I don’t think she regrets the year in Australia. She was young and got to travel. 

 

Post # 9
Member
8794 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

If Pp makes a good point about the difference in moving from a well established career position or moving when young and relatively unencumbered.

Your post OP ,gives the impression you think you ought to be engaged ( rather than really really wanting to) tho that may not at all be the case. It is hard to read nuance online after all. More importantly it shows great reluctance to bring the subject up at all-  l can say to this , as l and other older bees have said ad nauseam, is this is your shared future. Do NOT enter into mindset of believing the path of this future is basically in his hands, that choices and directions are his to make and yours to wait for/ follow.

Think carefully about what you want. For instance , would you like the adventure of moving somewhere new whether  or not marriage is eventually involved? Would you like to live with him regardless of engagement marriage ? If so,  moving seems like a good idea. But if you are thinking of going only reluctantly and only with the safety proviso of a ring, idk….

Whatever you decide, make it your own decision  – of course with him in mind, you love him! But  you must, l believe, be able to talk to him about what you want. I bet he has no difficulty in voicing his desires and plans, and  neither should you. 

                :  

Post # 10
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

kayaa :  even if you were engaged or married, you could still be “dumped” at some point down the line. Engagement isn’t a guarantee. I’m not one to think there needs to be a ring for a move. Love is always a gamble, regardless of the level of commitment. Are you prepared to gamble your possible career and move from family and friends for that relationship? It’s something only you can answer.

From your post, you’re less concerned about your career prospects than your relationship and want to give 100% to the relationship (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing). However, you need to be OK with understanding your career might not take off in the same way as if you take this opportunity, especially during times when your career is flagging a bit. At some point in your career you will probably question what if you’d taken that opportunity. So you need to make peace with moving and prioritising your relationship and not blaming your partner if you feel your career is a bit slow or not going the way you expected. Have you looked at the job market in your field in the new town? How competitive is it? Can you do those roles in that town? Will you be happy working in a different field if you have to?

Post # 11
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2021

I agree with PPs who said this is the perfect catalyst to have that conversation about your future. You can tell him, “hey, I know we’ve sort of thought about staying together and getting married sometime in the future. But now that you’re moving, I want to discuss a timeline for when we’ll actually do that. I’m not going to move cities and uproot my career unless we’re clear about a long-term commitment.”

I moved cities for my Boyfriend or Best Friend. We were long-distance before that, so we knew someone would have to in order to continue the relationship. We had both only been working for a year, so it wasn’t too hard to start over in my career. That said, I’m still preparing myself to walk away or move back if an engagement doesn’t happen. Your situation is a bit different since you’ll be doing the opposite, going nearby to long-distance. In your situation I would probably not follow him immediately until you have the marriage talk and a definite timeline. If your relationship is solid enough for marriage, a couple years apart won’t be the end of the world.

Post # 12
Member
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

In your situation I would not move there without commitment. I am currently in the same boat. If you do move there and can’t bear the distance from him I would move for YOU and prioritize your work and happiness first, maybe get your own place and take a job up there if it makes you happy. Moving for love is wonderful but I would feel anxious moving my whole life and career for someone without that commitment. I agree with the other comments here too it’s no guaranatee even with a ring- I read a few articles about moving for love when I was starting considering it myself, and I read this one article where the lady moved and secured a job that was good for her but left her things back in her hometown in storage until she was sure with her fiancé. She also didn’t move without being engaged, but I thought that was smart she left things in a storage unit back in her hometown because she wouldn’t have to move it twice just in the event things didn’t work out. Keep us posted Bee, best of luck to you ♥️

Post # 13
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

If you feel close enough to him to consider uprooting your life to move to another city for him, how is it that you’re so hesitant to have a serious conversation or even bring up a topic as important as your own future with him? There’s a contradiction here Bee that bears looking into. 

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