Boyfriend got a job in different city. Should I move without engagement?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
462 posts
Helper bee

mirabelle007 :  

I love the idea of moving for you.

With my first long term boyfriend that I mentioned, he wanted to move in with me when we went to grad school (his program was online so it didn’t matter where we were). I was worried about him being too dependent on me (he was incredibly introverted and part of an online program), so I said it would be great if he moved to the same city, but he needed to live with a roommate (his undergrad roommate and best friend was also moving).  Ultimately for finanes he ended up living with his parents, but due to the flexibility of his programming we were able to spend about three days a week together.

OP moving with someone to a new city is a huge adjustment. Make sure you’re ready to create a world of your own as well as one with him.

Post # 17
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

kayaa :  People don’t feel pressured to do the things they want to do.  Plus, isn’t he putting pressure on you and your relatiosnhip by making you choose between moving to be with him or staying?  Having a conversation about your shared future should not be interpreted by him as pressure.  If you bring it up and he says you are pressuring him, then you know where you stand.

Post # 18
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

“I don’t want him to propose out of pressure from my side. I want him to want to be engaged to me without any pressure. “

Bee this right here is your problem. You are young and have no idea how engagement works. It isn’t a fairytale where you sit back and don’t say anything hoping that one day he will find you ”worthy” and propose to you completely out of the blue.  

Relationships are two independent people deciding to blend their lives together. You have just as much of a right to speak up as he does. A successful marriage has open communication. Waiting for a guy to propose only when he feels like it isn’t something that leads to a succsssful marriage. Why? Because you need to take responsibility for half of your relationship, you can’t just take a seat and expect one person to be responsible for where that relationship goes. 

You need to get this idea out of your head right now, I’m talking the idea that you talking to a man about wanting to be engaged or married in anyway makes you pushy or needy, or forcing something to happen. That is the lie women have been told for too long. Stop buying into that lie. It’s 2019, and you have a say in your life, who you marry, and when. 

Sit him down like a mature adult and tell him what you want. Then ask him what he thinks? Then compromise and pick a plan your both comfortable with. That’s how it should work. 

 

 

kayaa :  

Post # 19
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

kayaa :  But why would you even think having a conversation about your mutual future is pressuring him? Communication is so very important in a relationship and you shouldn’t feel any topic is taboo between you. I’m not suggesting you demand he propose right this minute, but surely having an open talk about your future plans together shouldn’t be viewed as ‘pressuring’ him, especially as this is the man who professes to be in love with you. And isn’t his wanting you to move cities for him without even having such a conversation putting pressure on you? IMO a timeline discussion about your future would seem interconnected with him asking you to make such a major change. 

Post # 20
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

If you think any discussion about marriage or timelines would be “pressuring” your boyfriend, then you’re not mature enough to get married. Please don’t turn into one of those waiting bees who wonder “why hasn’t he proposed yet” after you uprooted your life for him, and you’re afraid to broach the subject directly.

It’s ok to ask, do you see us getting married, when do you see us getting married? It’s healthy to do that. It is perfectly reasonable for you to tell him you don’t want to drop everything for him until you know you’re in a serious enough relationship. 

If you’re afraid that you’ll lose him because of the distance, then the relationship may not that strong to begin with. 

If you need the insurance of an engagement because you fear getting “dumped,” then it may not be worth uprooting your life for him. Just TALK to him. If he balks at the idea of commitment, then you’ll know he’s not worth it. 

If you’re truly meant for each other, you’ll be able to weather some long distance, even if it’s for a trial period.

Normally I’d say don’t move without an engagement (at least that way you’d have a timeline and commitment.) But in your case, I don’t think you should move at all, at least for the time being. I say this because you are reluctant to ask about timelines for fear of “pressuring” him, and it seems like you’re putting all the work into this relationship to make it work. You also seem to prioritize this relationship above all else, but you can’t communicate openly with your bf about it.

Post # 21
Member
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

What do you want? When my husband was my boyfriend, I moved with him twice. At that point in my life, I didn’t want to be married. So it wasn’t a priority to me that we would be engaged before I moved with him.

You say you don’t want to “pressure” him, but how does talking about the future so that? It’s important that you are on the same page. How can you be sure of that if you don’t talk? Do you want to be married now? Do you want to be engaged? 

Post # 22
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I think you should! My now-husband and I moved together to a big city for my work, he was still finishing up Uni and had a long commute to his uni and part-time job because of the move. We had been dating for about two years and were 22/23. It was so much fun, we really grew up together and fell even more in love. The experience made us sure we were a perfect fit. 

I don’t see why you feel the need to be engaged before moving? If you can swing it financially and think you’ll have better opportunities in a bigger city then why not? Enjoy being young and in love and living with your boyfriend! I look back on those years of my relationship very fondly 🙂

Post # 23
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

It’s up to your discretion, but I say no. 

Post # 25
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

I couldn’t agree more with mrsssb.

That said, you are young and in love and apart from your alarming passivity I think you have a smart head on your shoulders. 

Your bf is moving with a job to go to. To keep things on an equal footing while your relationship is still only in the maybe-forever stage, you shouldnt move unless you also have a job to’go to. That job should be as good or better than the one you have organised already.

Don’t follow a man without a financial safety net (a job, savings or a trust fund) unless you are already in a legally defined partnership or you have a wedding date in the not too distant future. Never hand over control of your future to someone else without him making an equal reciprocal commitment to you. 

 

Post # 27
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee

If you were older and already established in your career and loved your lifestyle, this would be a different answer. I moved to a big city in another state with my boyfriend in my mid20s. We broke up, but I stayed in that city for many years. So if you want to move for the experience, for the fun of it, to experience that particular place I say go for it…but be aware that your boyfriend can break up with you even if you move, and have a plan for that. 

Post # 28
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

At 23 I moved to London with my university boyfriend and we moved in together. There was no engagement on the horizon.

I did go home for a year after uni while I sorted out a job in London and we did long distance for that time. 

I dont regret moving for one second. I got a good job here and we were young and could enjoy the city together. 

We got married 4 years later at 27. 

Post # 29
Member
287 posts
Helper bee

Do I think it would be reasonable for you to move in this scenario without being engaged? Yes, definitely. 

Do I think it would be reasonable for you to decide not to move in this scenario until you’re engaged? Yes, definitely. 

Sit down and have a deep chat about the future and what you want. Isolate this from what you think you’re supposed to want or what other people may think. 

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