Boyfriend got a lap dance at a bachelor party without my permission.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2445 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
nna53992 :  I know a lot of women are totally against lap dances, which is totally fine, but I think it’s incredibly unfair to your boyfriend to get so upset with him when you failed to communicate your boundaries. 

I think you need to have a calm discussion with him, let him know that this is something you’re uncomfortable with and in the future you’d appreciate it if he can respect your boundaries. If he’s not willing to do so, maybe you aren’t compatible. If he thinks lap dances while in a comitted relationship are OK, he needs to find a woman who feels the same.

Post # 3
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Nope, I’d be done. I don’t want to be with someone that needs to be told not to get lap dances…no thanks. I find the whole strip club scene pathetic and could never be attracted to someone who was into that sort of thing.

The fact that your bf doesn’t give a shit that you’re upset by his brute-like behavior is just the icing on the cake. Don’t you want a partner who cares more about you than that? 

I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear, and that there will be some people in this thread who say it’s NBD, but for me all of this would be one big fat deal breaker. 

Post # 4
Member
1615 posts
Bumble bee

Ok breathe. I understand why you are upset. I would be too.

That said, you clearly are not ok with strip clubs, so trying to be cool about it was a misstep. You all should have discussed the ground rules in more specific and serious terms (i.e., no touching). But that is a lesson learned for the future and cannot change what happened now.

You need to lose the attitude that he needs to get “permission” from you to do anything. That is super condescending and I understand why he isn’t engaging with you if that is how you are approaching it. He is an adult who can choose to do something on his behalf. If he told you that you needed his permission to do something, that would be a major red flag of disrespect and we would tell you to head for the hills.

You need to decide if you can get beyond this incident and learn to communicate with each other. If not, cut your losses now and move on. 

Post # 5
Member
1713 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

I understand getting upset about this. But, is this a boundary you had discussed before this? Did you explicitly tell him before he went on this bachelor party trip that going to a strip club was okay but getting a lap dance wasn’t?

If you did tell him that beforehand and he disregarded your agreed upon boundaries – that is a red flag. It doesn’t matter what the boundaries are, if they are agreed upon and then broken that’s a problem.

But if you didn’t make these boundaries clear, how was he supposed to know that it wasn’t okay? It’s not a given that he would just know that’s not okay. All boundaries need to be discussed and agreed upon – and saying “look but don’t touch” in a joking way isn’t really a clear way of setting boundaries.

And regarding the look but don’t touch thing – most strip clubs don’t allow you to touch the dancers anyway. So if there’s a no touch rule then he didn’t touch, so logically he thinks he’s in the clear. 

I know it’s hard and that you’re really hurt about this (understandably), but if you didn’t put clear boundaries in place first you really can’t fault him for this. You can decide that since he paid for a lap dance he’s not the kind of guy you want to be with, but without having clear agreed upon boundaries I don’t think you can blame him for breaking your trust if he didn’t know this was breaking your trust.

I’d say have a very honest discussion – in person – with him about how you feel and the boundaries you want to put in place from here on out.

Post # 6
Member
3906 posts
Honey bee

Was this boundary set in advance?  Did he know that you felt so strongly about it?  Because if he knew and did it, that’s an issues.  If he had no idea, then how would he know you’d be upset?

Post # 7
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

I totally understand why you’re upset, if it were me I’d be devastated. This is an absolute dealbreaker for me, and I made sure my husband was aware of this from very early on in our relationship.

I think in your particular situation, it’s a little more complicated because it wasn’t something you discussed beforehand. For every woman that hates the idea of her partner going to a strip club, there will be one who doesn’t care about it – you’ll probably meet both sides on this thread. By saying you were ok with him going, he probably thought he was fine. I think there’s a difference between him doing something like this when it wasn’t really discussed, and actively going against your wishes and deliberately hurting you.

His attitude since then stinks, but it could be because he realises he’s hurt you and is trying to downplay the situation.

The main thing to do now is to decide if it’s something you’re able to get over. If it is or it isn’t, they’re both valid decisions, it’s a personal thing and each person is different. If you do decide you want to keep the relationship going, you’re going to need to sit down and have a serious and mature conversation about what both of your boundaries are, and if you can come to an agreement on them.

Good luck bee x

Post # 8
Member
3087 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I get why you’re upset, but at the same time you never set that boundary with him so I’m not sure you’re justified in tearing him a new one… Express your feelings about it, set that boundary for future behaviour and move on. 

Post # 9
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

Your ability to move past this will depend on whether or not you see this as a one-time miscommunication and a push to communicate your boundaries clearly or as an outright betrayal on his part. What you know at this point is that your feelings about lap dances and his feelings about lap dances don’t match up at all.

So, you have to ask yourself a few questions: Do you think he would have skipped the lap dance if you had made it clear that you weren’t okay with them? Or, do you think he would have gotten the lap dance anyway, and just not told you about it? Do you trust him when he says he won’t ever get a lap dance again, even at his own bachelor party? Do you trust him in general?

Personally, I wouldn’t be all that upset about this, but I imagine my feelings on lap dances differ from yours. You are really the only one who can say if this is a deal breaker, or if it’s something you’d be willing to move past eventually.

Also, this part of what you wrote stuck out at me:

I’m feeling so upset over this at the thought of my boyfriend picking out a skinny beautiful woman and paying her to grind on him.

Do you believe he would find a random stripper more attractive than you? Do you struggle with body image issues? I ask because part of your hurt and your reaction may be rooted in the belief that he prefers a certain look and body type, and it doesn’t match yours (at least in your mind), therefore his attraction to this random stripper would be much higher than his attraction to you. And yeah, that would hurt!

If this is the case, it’s something I would explain to him if you decide to work through this. As in “I feel like you got the lap dance because that’s the type of body you prefer and are more attracted to, and I don’t look like that, and it really hurts to think about you wanting something different than me because I love you so much.

Good luck, Bee.

Post # 10
Member
2379 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It would really bother me. And not even as a personal relationship boundary. I’m not overly impressed with single guys getting lap dances either. And I don’t mean that in an “ew, strippers are gross and dirty” way, just the the actual lap dance to me just seems squicky (the actual transaction of paying someone to grind on you, not the dancer herself).

 

I’m not articulating this well, but to me, a guy’s choice to get a lap dance would automatically lower him in my eyes as a romantic prospect, whether or not I was in a relationship with him.

Post # 11
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

Honestly I’m with 

View original reply
tiffanybruiser :  I don’t think your serious boyfriend needs to be told not to pay another woman to grind all over him. He should already know that it’s totally disrespectful to you and the relationship. Plus the fact that he went out even though the groom was passed out and not involved, shows where his head is at. It’s just gross. 

Post # 12
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
Tatum :  I totally agree with this!- A guy who’s into this sort of thing would not be a man I could respect enough to be in a romantic relationship with, even if it wasn’t my boyfriend. 

Post # 13
Member
9128 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
nna53992 :  I understand you’re hurt, but you knew he was going and you made assumptions rather than tell him what boundaries made you comfortable. He understands what makes you uncomfortable now and promised not to do it again so move on. FWIW in college one of my exes went to a strip club and specifically asked if I was ok with it and I just said “yea have fun, but no private rooms!” and he said no problem and again specifically asked “do lap dances in front of other people bother you?” and I said no so that’s what he did. If I had said no lap dances he wouldn’t have gotten one. That guy was a dirtbag for a million other reasons but we at least had an open discussion about strip club boundaries lol. 

Also – how old is he? My husband went to strip clubs for bachelor parties when his first few friends got married (no lap dances), but once they passed their mid-20s they were all totally over it. Bachelor parties turned into camping trips and brewery tours. Some guys really do grow out of it. 

Post # 14
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

I’m fascinated by all the people who are like “it’s obvious this is bad!” 

Sex negative culture is weird.

Post # 15
Member
10560 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Not all relationships operate under the same rules. So while a lot of the bees feel that this is just a given and you shouldn’t have had to tell him your boundaries, I err more on the side of he and you need better communication moving forward as clearly you don’t see to be on the same page with boundaries. 

I do think his dismissing of your feelings is a problem. Whether or not the boundaries were communicated clearly or not he shouldn’t dismiss you when you’re clearly upset with what’s happened. So, that would be the thing that made me look at this relationship and decide whether or not it should continue.

As for getting over this, that’s not something any of us can help you with. If you’re upset, that comes down to you and your partner working to resolve that upset and finding a way for you to feel secure again in your relationship and that can’t happen if he just dismisses your feelings.

ETA: Neither here not there but not all dancers are skinny (or pop culture standards beautiful) They come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes and looks as they are individual people playing to individual preferences. I feel like maybe you’re having some self esteem issues which could be also compounding this? I only say that because you describe the dancer as skinny and beautiful which is not something you actually know and makes me feel like maybe that’s insecurities projecting and could be making you feel even worse about this whole thing.

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