Boyfriend got a lap dance at a bachelor party without my permission.

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
10090 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He also picked you. So obviously he finds you attractive, bee.nna53992 :  

Post # 78
Hostess
2245 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

nna53992 :  straight up this sounds like it’s more about your insecurities than the fact that he got a lap dance. 

Post # 79
Member
3510 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

OP I think you need to clarify when and in what context your boyfriend said he likes skinny girls… 

Some here are reading it as if he said that to you in response to you being upset about the stripper. I did not read it that way and assumed it was something he’s said in an entirely separate conversation, in which case whether it was rude/mean or not really depends on the context.

Like, if you two were having a casual conversation one day about what you find attractive and he said he likes thin girls… He probably thought you fit that description so it never occured to him that you would find it hurtful to hear that. If that’s the context then that is miles away from him saying “I got a lapdance because I wanted to see a hot skinny chick!” 

Post # 80
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

nna53992 :  I’d be upset too and very much reconsidering a relationship with someone who thinks paying a professional to grind on them in a sexual way is a monogamy loop hole. A random girl grinding on your partner at a club would be considered cheating by most on here. I don’t understand why so many people are saying to OP that because she didn’t specifically in detail say no lap dances makes it different to cheating. Does an exchange of money for a service suddenly alter the reality that he had a woman grinding on him for sexual pleasure? In my eyes, I don’t see a difference between a random girl grinding on a guy in a club and professional grinding on a guy a strip club. It’s cheating to me in both scenarios and a transaction of money makes it even worse because as a human you are perpetuating and partaking in exploitative dynamics.

OP, I don’t know if I could forgive his choices and I would really consider being with someone who  needs to be spoon fed that paying for someone to grind on them is a no in a monogamous relationship. It would make me question if our morals line up.

He also doesn’t sound supportive of your health. Telling someone with a history of an eating disorder that they prefer slim women is a big no no. He should be trying to help you be mentally and physically healthy instead he is feeding into your insecurity and eating disorder by making comments like that. 

Post # 81
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

nna53992 : What the heck ladies call me crazy but a lap dance isn’t something that a partner should have to be specifically told isn’t acceptable to get in a committed relationship.  That should be common sense. OP ugh I’m sorry but your bf doesn’t seem the least bit apologetic and his whole attitude about the whole thing sucks I would dump him or at least have a very serious talk about what is and isn’t acceptable in a committed relationship.

Post # 82
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Tatum :  But like even if that’s the case that still disgusts because its like ok well I know my gf asked me not to touch so I’ll do everything right up until that point but its ok because I technically didn’t touch her. It’s like a kid told not to touch the top of a hot oven but you can watch the spaghetti in the pot and he goes and stands as close as possible to the spaghetti and then turn and says to his parents well technically I didn’t touch the hot oven. That isn’t what a considerate partner does. 

Post # 83
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

Damn it. You know what, I’ve been back and forth about this post, and didn’t want to say anything until I could really be honest with you. 

I wouldn’t be at ALL okay with this. I’m so sorry, bee.

but consider the source: before he was with me, my fiancé had had a bad breakup and was treated to a night out with strippers and lap dances and told me “I found out I really like that,”

and I was hurt (yeah, I know. He wasn’t even with me at the time. But I had been trying to develop my —*cough* amateur dancing skills on him RIGHT WHEN HE SAID THAT, and I felt compared and toooootally deflated)

and it took me a long ass time to get over the hurt. 

 

Bee. I’m so sorry! I wish I could say something else. But I would dump his ass so fast, he’d think he had been in a boxing match with Mohammed  Ali. 

 

F-ck. As hell. No.

 

lying on top of it all?! Bee, oh hell no. Girl you truly can find so much better than this – 

I’m sorry, because I know it’s so easy for a stranger to say “leave,” and so very hard to actually leave, when your heart is woven into hopes with someone .

 

but you’ve not yet put vital years into this man- I’d ditch him quick and find an honorable man who won’t conceal things from you. 

 

Post # 85
Member
4639 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

How to get past this? Talk, talk, talk. Perhaps this is a deal breaker, perhaps not. But communication is key.

FWIW at Darling Husband bachelor party his friend spent £3000 on dances. His Fiance was understandably furious and they had to cancel their family holiday.

Post # 86
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee

sharpshooter :  I have no issue if people aren’t ok with strip clubs/strippers/lap dances, but the comments about a man who would go to one “not being the marriage type” is quite laughable.  It’s a form of entertainment.  A service is performed for cash.  Going to a strip club doesn’t make someone a bad person.  

1000x yes to this.  Thank you. 

Post # 87
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

cmsgirl :   soexcited123 :  I totally agree, since when do we have to literally spell it out to our men that having another chick grind on you is not ok. They should already know this. 

Post # 88
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I checked in with my SO on this one, OP. He said any man with half a brain should know better than to assume a lap dance is okay, even if it had never come up in conversation. I told him you’d jokingly said, “You can look, but don’t touch!”, and he said that should have sealed the deal. 

Basically, he’s of the opinion that asking your “permission” wouldn’t have been inappropriate here. He would never have gone for it in the first place, but he knows guys whose SOs are fine with it so long as it’s been discussed first. So to him, “permission” is as simple as an adult discussion about “Hey, we may be going to the strip club on this bachelors trip. Is there anything I should know about your feelings on any part of that?” And then he would expect honesty, not a “cool girl” response. If he got mixed signals and then got in trouble, he’d be (justifiably) upset. 

 

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