(Closed) Boyfriend got wrong end of the stick?!

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Hostess
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Honestly doll, I would NOT be put on a mortgage with someone to whom I was not engaged or married. That’s just me though. Is there any way you can discuss this with him in a more straightforward manner? I.e, not “I feel disposable” instead, “I’m starting to feel like you don’t want to marry me because …. This makes me feel…”

They’re two separate issues, so I would take the mortage out of it personally. That seems like a separate conversation. OR “I feel uncomfortable being added to the mortgage when I’m not sure if this relationship is heading towards marriage and that’s what I want.” 

Of course, the thing about being direct, open, and honest, is that you also need to prepare yourself for the possiblity that you may hear something you don’t like. Either way though, I honestly believe it’s much better in the long run to know exactly where you stand. 

I hope it works out for you!!!

Post # 5
Member
3429 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Lucy2:  Hi! I agree with @Mrs.LemonDrop: I doubt assuming his mortgage debt, will make you feel like a major part of his life. DO NOT do this until after you’re married! Start up some convos with him about marriage/ engagements. IMO, men have a hard time reading us girls. They sorta need our help in figuring out what we want:) Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Lucy2:  I would definitely talk to  your boyfriend about how you feel, like the PP I wouldn’t be comfortable having my name put on a mortgage if I wasn’t engaged to him. But maybe because he wants to put you on the mortgage, he is planning to propose? You never know…but if the issue is him not proposing, I would talk to your boyfriend about you feel. 7 years is a long relationship. My FI’s sister has been with her Fiance for 8 years, they bought a house last fall and he finally popped the question so it isn’t out of the realm of possibility that he is planning to propose in the next year or so. But if you aren’t happy with where the relationship is going, I would definitely talk to him! 🙂 Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

Nope, my name won’t be on anything like that until we’re married. I would talk to him again.

Post # 8
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

We both want to get married someday..soon  we have 2 homes and were both on the title… i did my research before hand on commonlaw, so i know what im entitled to if any case if we were to break up…but of course everyone is different.

Post # 9
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

He sounds like he is trying to make you happy. I would say something along the lines of “I appreciate your offer to put me on the mortgage. That makes me much more secure in the relationship and where we live. However, I would like to talk about our future and what role you see me in it. I think our relationship has great long-term potential and I would like to take the next step by getting engaged in the next year. What are your thoughts”

Post # 10
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Why would he want to get engaged and married?  He gets all of the benefits of a marriage without that.  You live together and share your lives just as any other married couple.  Plus, he gets to occasionally be selfish like he was about the mortgage on the house and it is always excused because you’re not married.  Does he actually want to get engaged and married at all?  Time to have a serious conversation about where you each see this relationship going in the next few years.  Seven years is a lot of time to be together and not know what page you are on as a couple.  You need to be willing to walk though if he doesn’t want the same things as you (i.e. engagement and marriage.)

Post # 11
Member
11 posts
Newbee

@Lucy2:  

I hope it works out for you!!!

Post # 12
Member
8461 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Lucy2:   I purchased a home with my Fiance before we were married, we were together for 4 years (living together the entire time).  I wasn’t even looking for a proposal/marriage.  Basically if a guy wants to get married, it doesn’t matter if you already live together, have “all the benefits of being married”, etc.; he will propose.  If your guy is clueless, and doesn’t know you want to get married, you have to tell him.  The other option, and I hope this isn’t the case, is he doesn’t want to get married. 

Have you talked to him about marriage?  Why don’t you propose to him?  Another bee on here did that and it was super cute.  Your Boyfriend or Best Friend obviously doesn’t understand how important it is for you to be engaged/married.  People have differing ideas about committment, so you need to communicate with each other and make sure you’re both on the same page.

Post # 13
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Talk to him again and explain what you meant! I agree with PP’s on the fact that I wouldn’t put my name on something that big while you two are just dating.

Post # 14
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Just a thought: i’m assuming you’re in the states.  If you are, in pretty much every state he can add you to title anytime (I happen to work in finance for the mortgage industry).  Just something to think about!

That being said, I agree with the other bees that that isnt really the real issue.  Part of me wants to say “7 years??? whats the hold up??” but then I see you say you’re in your early 20’s, so this is could a middle/high school sweetheart, and I think the time frame can be a little different than, say, if you’d both met and started dating IN your 20’s when you’re both established adults.

Yes, I’ve heard the whole “why by the cow?” and “why would he propose when yall are playing house?” theories, and while I do know that happens, I also feel the choice to move in together before marriage should be addressed on a case by case basis.

Us, for example: we met and were friends for awhile, then dated for a few months before he found out he had to move for his job and asked me to go with him. Of course I went. 9 months later we moved BACK again and are still living together.  Before finding out about the move, our plan wasnt to live together until we got engaged, period….but then life happened. I had several concerned parties warning me about how he’d have “no incentive to propose”, etc. and while their thoughts are valid, there was more to the situation than just 2 unmarried people cohabitating.

If it were me, at this point, I’d simply tell him you have a timelime for how you’d like your life to play out (with him!) and make him aware of your desire to be engaged and married.  Based on his reaction, you’ll be able to tell alot.

Post # 15
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

So he makes a lot more money than you but has asked you for a deposit to put your name on the mortgage? Are you paying rent to him?

Do you know how difficult it is to add someones name to a mortgage? Also will it mess with your chance to buy a new home yourself as a first time buyer? Have you come straight out and said when you want to be married by? 

Post # 16
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

yikes. don’t put your name on the mortgage unless you’re married.  just my 2 cents. 

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