Boyfriend has just bought a ring… and now everything is in doubt!

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1703 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

He cheated (by sexting other women) in a prior relationship. He did it to you. When you reasonably confronted him about a tampon in his car he weaponized your engagement. He admits to doing so for his ego. He’s the one who created the trust issues and he can’t handle this anymore? 

He had a drinking problem, and he reacts with extreme emotion. 

You know married and engaged men cheat all the time?

What is there to save in this toxic, on and off relationship?

Post # 3
Member
714 posts
Busy bee

Oh, Bee, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. I wouldn’t presume to give you advice on this, but I would ask you to consider a few things:

1) alcoholism and abusive behavior are cyclical things, and lifelong struggles. You will eventually be faced with these things again, no matter how well he seems to be doing at this moment. Knowing that it is inevitable that you will see one of these behaviors come up again, do you honestly want to deal with that?

2) trust is a major issue in a relationship. Sadly, it is really hard to fix it once it is broken, and again – this will be a lifelong struggle. Knowing that you will always have some kernel of doubt about his fidelity, do you honestly want to deal with that?

3) you have admitted the relationship is toxic. Relationships are so hard and require work in the best of times. Building a life on a toxic foundation has never made the relationship strong. You know this. Knowing that, do you honestly want to commit to forever with this man.

You know that you deserve more and you deserve better. You deserve to be valued. You deserve to be in a trusting marriage. You deserve a partner who will love and honor you. He is not doing that. 

I think you know the truth of the matter, but admitting it to yourself is hard. Leaving a relationship is hard. Strength. 

Post # 4
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

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@Roses234:  You’re in an emotionally abusive or borderline emotionally abusive relationship. He sounds like a narcissist, to be honest – no one behaves that way who isn’t either hiding something or absolutely terrible at communicating in a healthy manner. GET OUT! Take this as an opportunity. This is not someone you should be marrying – love is not enough to make this work.

Post # 6
Member
1994 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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@Roses234:  The relationship is basically toxic and I really want to save it and he does too.

I mean, that statement is crazy as hell.  You want to save a toxic relationship???  Please reread what you wrote and tell me that is healthy?  OP what you view as love… all I see based on your post, is toxic co-dependence.  You are not good for each other. 

He can’t explain how the tampon got in his car either but I can’t see how he would go out and drop over 2k on a ring then be stupid enough to cheat.  Guys do stupid, illogical ish like this all the time and if he had logical excuse he would’ve given it by now.  Just accept the shady for what it is.  Let’s be clear…..if there’s no trust, then there’s no relationship.  Stop trying to build a relationship on a pile of sand.

Honestly when a relationship becomes an emotional rollercoaster its time to get off the ride.  Please continue your therapy so that you can see your way off.

For the record, I got married for the first time at the ripe old age of 48.  You’re 37 not 97 stop seeing this as the end.

Post # 7
Member
714 posts
Busy bee

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@Roses234:  okay, so you know the truth. That’s a REALLY good first step. You can really love someone and not be able to be married to them. I left an emotionally abusive 12-year long marriage two years ago. The ONLY thing that made it possible for me was THERAPY. Truly, the therapist held me accountable. I highly recommend you get a therapist to help you with this if you can. If not, find an accountability buddy (we will all help as much as we can). Walking away from someone you love is hard as hell, but you deserve to be ANGRY at the way he is treating you. Lean into that. 37 is too young to accept being in an abusive relationship for the rest of your life. You have too many years left to be happy. 

Post # 9
Member
770 posts
Busy bee

“Is there any actual hope for this?”

No. There is not.  Please want better for yourself and your future children.

Post # 10
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

This sounds like a dumpster fire. Why do you want to save something so toxic and broken? Is it more about not wanting to start over? Because girl, being alone is better than being with a cheating, lying, gaslighting piece of shit. You are 37 and have been in this shitty relationship for 3 years. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. Dont you see that if you stay in this relationship, that this is what your life will be like forever? Is that really what you want? He’s 45. He isn’t going to change. 

Post # 12
Member
770 posts
Busy bee

Shared values??  Cheating, sexting, and substance abuse are things you engage in as well? 

Post # 13
Member
798 posts
Busy bee

The only thing you should be saving is yourself. You admit this is a toxic relationship. Get out of it.

This man has worn you down into thinking this he is the best you can do in life and that you should be moving heaven and earth to make it work. He’s a cheater, a liar, a gaslighter and used engagement as a weapon against you. That’s not the kind of person you want to spend any time with never mind marry.

You are only 37, he is not your last chance or your only option in this life.  Get away from him, cut him off completely and do not let him reel you back in. You deserve far better.

Post # 14
Member
1994 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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@Roses234:  Gaslighting and manipulation within a relationship is not something that needs to be saved.  Its STILL going on!

Post # 15
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

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@Roses234:  What kind of shared values? As a pp says – cheating, sexting for an ego stroke, lying, gaslighting, etc – is that what you consider shared values? You mention great sex – you aren’t even the only person he’s having sex with, how does that make it great? Personally I consider monogamy and kindness shared values. You can find great sex with many many many other people. I’m sure millions of men could make you laugh. Many of whom won’t spin into an alcoholic rage after being confronted about their cheating… 

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