- 2 weeks ago
I am new here and I am feeling quite desperate.
So i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, I am 37 and he is 45. I love this man with all my heart and I know that he loves me as well. He is extremely reliable and does some lovely things for me.
We moved in together after 6 months of a very turbulent relationship, we probably shouldn’t have but I thought it would help things (very silly) and it didn’t. After 18 months, his father passing away and increasingly escalated arguments I moved out and have been living seperately from him for a year. One of the main reasons for me leaving was that he was drinking a lot, and that I caught him on kik sexting women and that even though I had asked him about this (he did it in a previous relationship which I knew about) he lied to me about it.
After I left I got on with my life and he basically got back in touch with me and came after me. He opened up and told me how sorry he was about everything, he explained that he had given up on life after finding out he was basically infertile in his last relationship (they had ivf) which was never a problem for me and would not deter me from being with him. I took him back because he quit drinking, stepped up and starting being far more present in the relationship. I told him that I would not consider moving back in together unless we were to get married in the future and he agreed with this – I just don’t see the benefit of it or the point.
We’ve continued to have arguments over stupid things, they’re never over values or life goals – we both match on those. We have never stopped feeling strongly about each other in 3 years, it has never gone away and we are still madly attracted to one another which has never happened to me before.
A few months ago he started asking me what rings I liked, and last week he told me that he had purchased a 0.7 carat diamond ring and he was telling me about all the research he had done. I was beyond over the moon. I cannot tell you how much it meant.
But then on Sunday I was putting my bag in his car and saw a tampon on the back seat floor, and my heart completely sank. I cannot IMAGINE why he would do anything dodgy, he is always in touch with me, I know his schedule but of course because of what happened in the past a couple of years ago I was completely freaked out by it. He has only had the car about 2 or 3 months, the last person who owned it was a lady so it’s possible that it was jammed under the seat and slid out randomly. It wasn’t mind or my sisters and nobody else has been in the car.
I told him that I was freaked out and that I was unsure what to think. He has a habit of reacting extremely emotionally to things and after we got back to my house and discussed it further he basically left because I didn’t 100% trust him, then when he got home he told me he was cancelling the ring order.
He later apologised for this but i was left completely raw and upset by it, like I’d been dropped from a great height. I felt like a text message apology and acknowledgement was not good enough and he didn’t understand how upset i was. But I know that I have been extremely distrusting towards him in the past and that he probably expected the hell that i’d given him previously when I refused to let things go and picked on tiny things that I saw as “evidence” of cheating. From what he’s explained to me he did what he did because he was getting an ego stroke, swore he’d never do it again and I have seen a change in him for the better.
Following all this, he has said that the trust is a major issue in our relationship and he can’t deal with it anymore. I agree with him and we didn’t speak for a day or so. I was distraught. He called me this afternoon and wanted to know if we could patch things up and move forward, but i feel that the engagement is tarnished because he has used the engagement ring as a weapon.
The relationship is basically toxic and I really want to save it and he does too. I am seeing a counsellor and trying everything I can to address things in the right way, not hold onto negativity and I have learned a lot about what it really takes to be in a relationship, but I feel that he doesn’t take the communication stuff seriously. He can’t explain how the tampon got in his car either but I can’t see how he would go out and drop over 2k on a ring then be stupid enough to cheat – it doesn’t make sense especially since he’s never flakey, he’s very invested and he wants me to move in with him in a couple of months and is willing to pay all the rent and bills while i save for the house deposit and he will give me money on top of that to put towards savings as well – I feel that is team work!
Is there any actual hope for this!?