Boyfriend has just bought a ring… and now everything is in doubt!

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 32
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

Oh OP, no! Just, euwww, no! That man is NOT a catch! Throw him back!

Post # 40
Member
1970 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow there is so much to unpack here. 

Please take a moment and take a long, hard look at this guy. Take the rose colored glasses off and forget all of the things you’re hoping for and dreaming about. Forget marriage and kids and all that for a second. Look at the cold, hard facts:

This man cheats on you, he gaslights you, he lies to you, and he is just not a good person overall. You admit that this relationship has not brought out the best in you. 

This relationship has literally been an uphill battle from DAY ONE.

When you think of your dreams of marriage and having children, are you considering that life with this horrible dynamic? Constant fighting and gaslighting and cheating and lying? Are you thinking about how he treats you and how he would treat his children the same way? Is this how you would want your son or daughter to grow up? You would be much better off as a single mom.

This man is NOT marriage material and more importantly, he is NOT father material.

Stop dreaming about him changing and thinking of ways you can turn this relationship around- you can’t. And even if you could, you shouldn’t waste your time trying to basically push a bus up a hill while it’s in reverse.

This is a toxic relationship and it is turning you into someone you don’t recognize. This is how the relationship will most likely always be. Do not count on him changing- he’s 45. He’s not going to change. When you bring out the worst in each other, you need to realize that it is not worth salvaging. Not to mention the major dealbreakers of cheating and lying.

You already know that this relationship is toxic. But you need to accept that this dynamic is not going to change so even if he does propose and marry you, this is how your marriage will be-exactly as it is now. Don’t fall for the trap of dreaming of engagement bliss and the excitement of planning a wedding- it would just be a temporary distraction from reality. 

Marriage is not magic. It will not change your relationship and suddenly make it a positive, healthy partnership. Do not enter marriage hoping to change him. 

Please do not legally bind yourself to this man. Please do not be so desperate to get married that you marry someone who treats you so poorly. You will completely regret it. Save marriage for someone who treats you well, someone who is a loving partner who respects and trusts you. Save marriage for someone you love and respect for exactly who they are at present, not someone you hope to change.

Until you find that someone, do not settle for marriage with anything less. Life is hard enough and you need a partner who is completely by your side and on the same page as you.

Please be strong enough to walk away knowing that you deserve better and that you WILL find better. He is not the only man left! 

It’s time to put yourself first and raise your standards. Good luck

Post # 39
Member
569 posts
Busy bee

The problem isnt that “you dont trust him” it’s that you CANT! He says that to you like you can help it after all the cheating. That’s what toxic people do, it’s how they make you the bad guy so they can keep doing whatever they want to do. You don’t trust him. Hmmm now why would that be?

I feel like you get a little bit of what you should get easily from a healthy partner. He’s doing a little bit after each blow up. Then you got punished and he was going to cancel the ring as punishment. This is way more effort than it’s worth. It’s like you’re trying to reach a goal, and you’re getting there but he’s still the same person at the end of the day. He isn’t going to just change, this will always be a part of him. He doesn’t have the sense to stop. Him saying it was for an ego boost means nothing, it doesn’t show he realizes anything and doesn’t mean he will stop.

Getting to this point isn’t supposed to be this hard. This struggle isn’t worth it. And it doesn’t mean you wasted your time if you end things, it’s how we learn, and when that happens we don’t waste our time again when someone shows these signs. This is going to be a recurring problem with him. 

Post # 39
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

What is there to save? He’s abusing you. Cut ties and continue with counseling. Sorry about what you’ve gone through with him. 

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