(Closed) Boyfriend here…A reversal of the "waiting game"…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
880 posts
Busy bee

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gfcouldbeit:  I’m not sure I get it. Yes 5 years of education is a bit of a curveball, but seriously what is 5 years in the grand scheme of a life together? I feel like you think she won’t be able to do anything else other than study during those 5 years. Plenty of people take care of children, get married, have a successful and fulfilling relationships, have a job or two, and still continue to do well in school. Why is it either/or in your mind?

I’m more concerned that you aren’t being supportive of her dream. It takes a lot of courage to go back to school as a young adult. And she’s probably overwhelmed with the idea of putting 5 years of work into following her dream.

I think you sound very selfish when you said “Part of me also feels like for the next 5 years our relationship won’t be a priority ot her, and I don’t look forward to 5 years of that (?) especially when we’ve already had two great ones.” If you really were looking long-term with this woman, what did you think would happen when you have kids? It sounds like in your mind this relationship is all about you and your wants, and not about her and her wants.

Feel free to break up with her but you need to come up with a better excuse than – you’re going back to school and your world won’t revolve around me/us anymore.

Post # 3
Member
1708 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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gfcouldbeit:  your girlfriend going to school doesn’t mean you have to break up – lots of people get married while they are still in school. My sister’s best friend got married while she and her husband were both attending different medical schools, doing long distance. But honestly, if you can’t be supportive of her education and career ambitions, you are probably not the right partner for her. Are you worried you’ll spend less time together because she’s in school?

Post # 4
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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gfcouldbeit:  Lots of people have relationships and get married in school. 

What worries you about dating long term/marriage and the longer program? Are you worried that she will want to put off marriage until she is done with school and settled in her career? Are you worried that she doesnt really want to get married at all? We can throw out ideas, but we aren’t your girlfriend, and she’s the best person to have the “where are we going” talk with. 

If you are worried about her not having time for you while she is in school, I’d set up a regular date night now. It will be a nice break for her, and a chance for you two to make sure that you stay connected.

Post # 5
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I don’t get what the big deal the extra three years will be. If she’s the right person for you now, or two years from now, what will five years make in terms of difference? Plenty of people juggle kids and school or kids and work. 

LikeI say to all the waiting women – why don’t you talk to your partner?

Post # 6
Member
4509 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Why can’t your girlfriend plan for the future with you WHILE going to school? You two can still get engaged, married and even start a family while she is working on her education.  Many people do it.  Just because she has set an educational goal doesn’t mean it will be her only priority in life.  Not to mention, your future together will be more secure financially and her life will be more fullfilling by completing a degree with a clear career path for the future. 

Post # 7
Member
833 posts
Busy bee

It’s very possible to treat school like any other 9-5 job, especially if she’s taking 5 years for a 4 year teaching degree. Yes, there may be weekends here and there where she has to work on a paper or project but I made it through 4 years of college while still making my relationship a priority and so can she. School doesn’t have to mean spending every night of the week studying, it’s all about balance, just like with any other career. If you want to be married before she gets out of school that’s totally possible, I know plenty of girls who planned weddings over the school year, all it means is that it will probably need to be a summer wedding. You need to discuss a timeline with her, make sure that she knows you want to progress in your relationship in the next 5 years and don’t want to wait. As her partner you need to be able to support her dreams and work through life together, not want to quit as soon as something doesn’t line up with your ideal plan.

Post # 8
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I must be missing something here. just because she wants to get a 5 year education instead of a two year one is a huge curveball to you?  Are you all not able to progress as a couple just because she wants to go to school longer than she initially thought?  How does that make you t so ” out of alignment”?  Is her school on another planet?  There has to be more to this. 

Post # 9
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Ahhhh the double standard thrives!

 

Yes man. When your visions of a future dont align you end it and find someone whose vision is similar to yours. 

Post # 10
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

It seems that you think going to school somehow puts life on hold, and this is simply not true. 

Post # 11
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: garden/backyard - July 9, 2016

I totally get it the mind block – you are talking about over double the time you thought it would be.  That is hard to wrap your head around, but it isn’t insurmountable.  Like PP said – you need to sit down and have an open conversation with your girlfriend, only she will have the answers you need.  Good or bad, get it all out – what you had seen as your timeline, and what your new timeline will be might not be as far apart as you think.  Hopefull you will have 60+ years together, and looking back that 3 years will be a drop in the pond.  Good luck 🙂

Post # 12
Member
3243 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

No where in your post do I see that she doesn’t want to get married while in school (did I miss it?), so I’m not sure why her going back to school is such a road block for YOU.  If you don’t support her to better herself, step aside for someone who will. 

Post # 13
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think you’re being a bit dramatic. (“I feel I was misled” and “Our visions seemed too perfect to be aligned, and alas, they weren’t after all”.) Is there any chance you can reframe this more coldly/distantly/logically? 

Post # 14
Hostess
4615 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

My Fiance and I met at 18. At 22, I went to law school. At 23, he got his masters. We’re getting married this year at 27, however, my Fiance is pretty sure he wants to get his PhD. I don’t see how that will harm our relationship or keep us from progressing. I know a lot of people who got married and some who had children while I was in law school. If she says she definitely does not want to get married/have children until after school or x time that doesn’t align with what you want, then I would say you have to weigh whether your timeline or your relationship with your current SO is more important, but if she’s ok with moving things alone while she is in school and/or you can compromise on the timeline, I wouldn’t worry about it. My relationship with my Fiance (then BF) was very important to me all throughout school – we probably wouldn’t have made it if we didn’t consider the other a priority!

Post # 15
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think you need to have a conversation with her. Are you 26 now? And you’ve been dating for a few years? I’m going to go against everyone and say, yes… sometimes life throws you a curve ball and your dreams and ideas for the future don’t pan out the way the two of you talked about. And it’s better for you to see that now, instead of being married and a few years down the road, end in divorce. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over, but if there’s a tug in your gut, and your paths aren’t headed in the same direction, you know. No one else can tell you that. 

My exhusband and I had everything planned out, and then our ideas and dreams changed in two totally different directions. And we had to make a choice. Neither of us wanted to settle. So talk it out. Figure it out before you make a lifelong commitment. 

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