(Closed) Boyfriend here…A reversal of the "waiting game"…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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gfcouldbeit:  Ok, I see. So it’s moreso  not ready to fully commit until she finishes school. I understand now. 

in this case it will come down to how committed you two are to the relationship. you really need to sit down with her and ask her some tough questions that you may not want to hear her answers to. based on that discussion if you feel she can’t be invested in the relationship the way you REALISTICALLY feel she should be then it’s best you part ways. Again, you need to be realistic with your expectations. 

Post # 33
Member
880 posts
Busy bee

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gfcouldbeit:  I guess you have to decide what is more important – your timeline or her? 

Now’s your time to shine as a really and truely supportive partner. If she can’t go back to school and have you support her through it, then I don’t see a bright future for the two of you to begin with. Sorry – that may sound harsh but life happens and you have to roll with the punches. 

Post # 34
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I gotta say, there are three or four guys just like you I broke up with during my undergrad. That doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed… But when you start putting your five year plan ahead of your partner’s or her realities, it kind of shows that you don’t care as much about her as an individual just as a role.

Post # 35
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I just saw your update.  I’m not in your shoes, but if I were–if the person refused to get engaged and progress with marriage it would be Sianara, Sweetheart!  There’s nothing wrong with that.  It’s not immature or a lack of commitment to her, it’s you wanting someone who’s ready for marriage so you can have a marriage, and married life and all it entails together.

FYI: some posts get nasty here.  If people get too critical of you or start going after each other, like sometimes happens, close your thread and delete it.  Ultimately this is a personal decision for you anyway and what power does a stranger hold to push you one way or the other?

Post # 36
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee

If you know you want to be with her forever, what’s the problem with having to wait a little longer so she can further her education and career? 

Post # 37
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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gfcouldbeit:  It’s totally possible that what I’m about to describe doesn’t fit you at all. It’s hard to get a good read for what’s going on in a relationship with just forum posts. If so, disregard it. But if there’s a kernel of truth there, consider it.

You’re framing this as though you love her more than anything and would do anything for her, while she’s choosing something totally different and proving that she doesn’t love you (and/or doesn’t want to commit). I don’t think that’s a fair framing, because it makes it seem as though if things don’t work out, they’re all her fault. 

You want your timeline, right? And she wants her teaching degree? And those are incompatible. There is a spectrum of compromises ranging from totally sticking to your timeline all the way to totally deferring to her new idea for a timeline. You have to come together, compare your conflicting preferences, weigh how much you value the other person’s preferences, and then choose somewhere on that spectrum. It’s not fair for you to frame it in “my way or the highway” terms and then put the onus on her to decide whether to take it or leave it.

Again, sorry if this doesn’t describe you, but it’s something I’ve seen so I wanted to put it out there.

Post # 38
Member
1708 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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gfcouldbeit:  I see. Well, she’s 22… it’s entirely possible she is just not ready to get married and won’t be for a few years. If you really don’t think you can (or want to) wait for her to be ready, and are wanting to marry and start a family in the next 2 years, I think it might be better for you to move on. Talk to her, tell her your thoughts, ask her how she feels about a long engagement, and see what she says. 

Post # 39
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

It seems like studying isn’t the issue here, the issue is that you don’t want to wait 5 years to take the next step in your relationship. No one can blame you for that bees often get upset that they are waiting, you have a valid reason to feel the way you do.

You thought the time line for engagement was 2 years, now suddenly it’s 5. That’s a big adjustment and I think most people would be understandably upset.

But school is just the symptom. The real problem is that she doesn’t want to get engaged for 5 years. I doubt this is entirely because of school, lots of people get engaged whilst studying. She’s only 22 and might not want to make a huge life decision whilst unsure about her career path.

As a teacher I can agree with her reasoning that she will be stressed and under a lot of pressure. However if you relationship can’t survive that then you’re not right for each other.

You need to decide if this girl is worth waiting for. If you want marriage before 5 years then you’re not compatible,I’m sorry. But if you love her then concider amending your timeline so she can remain a part of your future.

Post # 40
Member
13926 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I think the real issue is that she’s 22. 

Post # 41
Member
3936 posts
Honey bee

 

I wouldn’t wait 5yrs. fwiw

If you two are truly “the ones” for each other then it also wouldn’t surprise you if you two reconnect come year 4 or 5 again and start anew, right?

Chin up, Groom to Bee!

 

 

 

Post # 42
Member
2922 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

She’s 22, this is her time to go after an education. You can still have a thriving relationship, while she studies and you can even plan for a future. If you really love her, and not just the idea of a relationship, you should want to support her aspirations. If getting married right away is that important to you, maybe she’s not the one for you?

Post # 44
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

My Fiance had to deal with a similar situation in our relationship. Two years after we met, I decided to change majors and apply to medical school. That means 4 years of extra schooling, and a few years of residency after that. That means no kids until he’s 32 and i’m at least 28. But you know what? It’s my dream, and he loves me, so he decided to support that. And that means the world to me.

Plus, you get to enjoy a few more years of just the two of you together. Maybe you can put some money aside for travel, or some other significant project together. For us, we decided to get married this year, because we wanted to make that promise to each other. It’s also another milestone for our relationship. I understand that you need to feel like it’s going somewhere. But there are plenty other things you can do that don’t involve a house and kids.

Post # 45
Member
4425 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

IF YOU LOVE HER, YOU WILL SUPPORT HER.

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