(Closed) Boyfriend here…A reversal of the "waiting game"…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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gfcouldbeit:  Your last update comes across as very reasonable. It’s totally fine to have an inflexible schedule! But that does possibly mean that she’s not the one. Really loving someone deeply, but not being on the same commitment timeline can be a dealbreaker. This doesn’t make anyone wrong! It’s just how relationships work sometimes!

I have a theory that you have multiple possible “the ones” in your life. But emotional compatibility is not enough. You need to have aligning plans as well. I wish you luck in negotiating these things! 

Post # 47
Member
3936 posts
Honey bee

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ABusyBride:  

I agree with you about there being more than one “the one”. My DH and I even didn’t know that we were “the one” until we said, “I do”, since we still had an out.

 

Post # 48
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee

I get that you were annoyed she hadn’t announced it may be for 5 years initially, but I’ve been considering going back to university for 4 year degrees, I don’t understand why that would be exclusive of marriage. Heck, it doesn’t mean we’d be putting our relationship on hold at all, I’d view it as moving forward in my dream whilst being married to the man I love. Why is that “on hold” ?

 

EDIT: sorry, I didnt see the update until just now. If she doesn’t want to marry you at the moment, I agree that would be frustrating especially at your age.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by britishdaisy.
Post # 49
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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gfcouldbeit:  so basically (if I’m summarizing this correctly) this is a dealbreaker for you. But you don’t want her to feel like you would break up with her over it, so you don’t think you want to talk to her about it. You especially don’t want to talk to her about it because then she may feel bad about it and marry you “under pressure.” 

Here’s the thing: you can’t both not talk about this with her and simultaneously expect her to come out and change anything. She isn’t a mind reader. She has no idea what is going on. seriously, you two need to talk and that’s just about the only way out of this. 

And FWIW: I don’t know that marriage will solve your feeling of a lack of commitment. Especially if you’re saying you wouldn’t know if it were due to pressure… You would always wonder, and she could divorce you in 15 years. This makes me feel like there may be some other issue you have not acknowledged.

Post # 50
Member
940 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I can completely understand where you’re coming from. I don’t think it’s really about the education at all, but about the fact that she suddenly doesn’t want to get engaged for five more years.

I can understand that she’s young and might want to wait a couple of years, but she’s not *that* young—waiting five years for engagement would put her above the average age for getting married (which is 27 for women).

I think you ultimately just need to have a conversation with her: why does she really not want to get engaged for so long? School stress honestly sounds like an excuse to me, because she’ll have several months off every year. That’s no reason to put your whole life on hold.

I can see giving her a bit more time (a year or two) and seeing whether things have changed, but if she’s really adamant that life can’t move forward at all while she’s pursuing her degree, then I think she’s just not that into you.

Post # 51
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I think 5 years could definitely be a deal breaker. Not only is she putting your life on hold but I’m sure there are also some financial ramifications with this. 2 years to 5 of not only going to school but the potential lack of income she would be bringing in. It’s ok to not be alligned all the time, you just really need to pick your priorities and hopefully you have expressed you concerns to her. Maybe she is unaware of how strongly you feel about this. There are many posts on the waiting boards of women who have a set timeline and will walk if it’s not met, don’t feel because you’re a dude you have some double standard to uphold. You are not a bad person if you realize this isn’t going to work for you. And youre not a bad person if you stay. Talk it out and decide what is best for you both.

Post # 52
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I don’t know. I’m all for “if you love someone, you’ll wait. You’ll support them no matter what and you’ll be there for them in the end”. However… it goes both ways. You want to get married and start a family in the near future. 5 years of just schooling will put you at 33 and her at 29. Then, how many years of her lookng for a job and getting settled in to her career? It may be another 2-3 after that before she’s ready for kids. Planning a wedding while job hunting/career building isn’t the easiest either. Although I understand her not wanting to do that during school either.

But I get your doubts. How long do you wait?

Post # 53
Hostess
4615 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

This is tough. As I mentioned earlier in this thread, I lean toward waiting and being supportive myself, but I think since you said waiting 5 years is a dealbreaker for you, that you should talk to her without it being an ultimatum. I would explain it more as thinking your timelines are incompatible and see what she says. I don’t think that leaving to find someone on your timeline means that you don’t love her. I’d talk to her and ask her more about her reasoning for not wanting to get engaged/married at school. Many of my friends are teachers and they planned their weddings while in school/student teaching without issue, but she has to want that.

Post # 54
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

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gfcouldbeit:  FEAR FEAR FEAR ! Thats all Im reading here. You are assuming the worst and trying to control the unknown which is impossible… if you love her support her- Marriage is all about growing with eachother and that means making it easy for one another to grow as people. You just made a whole lot of assumptions on what your future will be like if she goes to school for 5 years as oppose to 2 …. Dont worry about it! enjoy your relationship and dont ruin it with all these negative thoughts. 

Post # 55
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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gfcouldbeit:  Your update sheds more light on your situation.

Your girlfriend does not want to get engaged at all while in school, correct? She’s the one that wants to put things off for 5 more years if I’m reading this correctly.

Honestly, she is the one that sounds a bit inflexible.  Or it could be, like others have pointed out, she is a bit afraid of making a comittment to you and is using going back to school as an excuse.  She obviously doesn’t have comittment issues in general as she’s taking on the task of school for 5 years, she just has trouble saying yes to you.  That and the fact that you state if she did say yes it wouldn’t seem genuine seems to me like she’s just not that into you.  I’m sorry if that comes across as harsh (I don’t mean it to sound like that) but from what you’ve said I don’t see her giving you any sort of compromise or reassurance that you’re “the one”* for her.

* I use the term “the one” in quotes because like others, I believe there is more than one person for you out there.

Given your update, and the fact that she’s 24 and you’re 28, I think you are being completely reasonable with your timeframe.  I don’t think you should have to wait 5 more years.  I also wonder what kind of support she plans on having while she is in school – was she expecting you to financially support her?

I have mixed feelings on the “if you love her you will support her” argument.  Love goes both ways.  Right now, I’m not seeing anything from her to show that she’s commited to your relationship.  I have no problem with her wanting to go back to school for a career she wants.  But, I do have a problem with her saying she cannot get engaged while she is in school.  It really sounds like to me like you’re ok to be Mr. “Right Now” vs Mr. “Right”. 

I think it’s OK that this is a deal breaker for you, and it sucks because you do care about her.  Two people can get along great but if they’re not on the same timeline, then it’s not going to work if both parties don’t compromise.  Like you said, if she was willing to get engaged while she was in school, I think it would show you that you’re important.  But because she’s not willing to do that, I think unfortunately you’re going to have to make a tough decision.

Post # 56
Member
5046 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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gfcouldbeit:  I think there will always be curveballs in life. Are you ready for those without bailing, especially when/if you are actually married? I don’t see a 5 year education as a problem at all. It’s an investment in the future. Possibly your future together. No need to bail. She just wants more education and a better job. That should make you happy!

Post # 57
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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gfcouldbeit:  I didn’t want to get engaged while in school either. It seemed like a huge stress to me. Once she gets into school and gets settled in and breathing again, she might feel a little more relaxed.

Post # 58
Member
4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

wrong thread.

Post # 59
Member
13926 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Sorry for my lack of reading skills. You did say you met two years ago, when she was 22. 

A lot of people don’t want to be married as full time students, but are you sure you know why she feels that way? One thing that stands out to me is how she was motivated by the perception that her career and her earning potential  was not on par with yours. Why was that the focus?  Do you think she is uncomfortable with the financial or power balance in your relationship? Would she be uncomfortable relying on you for support while in school? 

Speaking of which, who would be paying for school? If she’s paying or borrowing it’s one thing, but if it’s  parents, some are unwilling to support a married couple. Cynically, could someone have advised her not to get married while in school because there is a risk of having to split the value of the degree should things not work out? Yes, that is a real thing. Or could it be more about  her vision of a wedding and the ability to afford the kind  she wants while she’s in school than the abilty to plan and be in school at the same time?   

Being unwilling to wait years for a commitment, isn’t “wrong” on your end. And your Girlfriend can pursue a degree and her education uncommitted if that is what is important to her on hers. Sadly, your timelines may just be incompatible.  

Once you have a better idea of what is really holding her back, you might be able to figure out where to go from here or if any compromise is possible. 

  

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