Post # 61
I was married with a child before I finished my degree. If she’s going to college, might as well go for something that will get you a job later. These associates used to be enough, but nowadays, it’s near impossible to find a job with less than a bachelor’s.
Post # 62
I also wonder if you don’t enjoy being “better” than her educationally. Not that you actually are, but maybe that’s in your mind.
Post # 63
I love your latest update. I’m glad that you found out how committed she is to your relationship, and also what you need to fix on your end. Sounds like a very healthy relationship.
On a side note, I never wanted to get married while I was in school (and I went back in my late twenties); there were several different reasons for that. My ex Fiance did pressure me into moving our relationship forward, and I finally caved. Many many things wrong with the relationship besides this small peice, but just know it’s not a fun place to be on the other side.
Good luck to you guys!
Post # 64
I was wondering if you would mind elaborating on this –> “I never wanted to get married while I was in school…My ex Fiance did pressure me into moving our relationship forward, and I finally caved.”
You’ve been very helpful throughout this thread, so I’m wondering a couple things. 1) Many people are saying she shouldn’t be so worried about moving forward in school, yet some individuals, such as yourself, have stated their strong preference for also not wanting such things during school. What drives those feelings for you?
And 2) What made you cave? I don’t want to put pressure on her either, but I’d like it to be discussable in the future, and enjoyably so for both of us, so I guess I’m looking for any examples you might have of healthy discussion vs. unhealthy pressure. I’d like to ensure nothing but former for her and I.
Post # 65
- Wedding: June 2017 - Greenspot Farms
I disagree with many previous posters who just keep talking about how you “need to support her”. It’s very clear to me that you DO support her in her endeavor to further her education, which is great!
I think you BOTH need to compromise. If she really wants to go to school to become a teacher you should definitely support her. But if you’re supporting her dreams I think she should also compromise and get engaged during this period. If she is unwilling to concede a little and meet you half way, then yes I would move on and find someone else.
Honestly, I’m just gonna come out and say it… I didn’t think college was that hard lol. I went to community college for 2 years, I even took classes in the summer so I didn’t have to stay longer than that. My last semester before transferring to university I took 18 semesters. I only worked about 10 hours a week though at a part time job. Once I transferred I was again a full time student, with a 21 hour a week part time job and I was in a sorority. I was a 3.5 GPA student. I graduated and got my B.A. Now I’m in a teaching credential program (my last semester). I have a part time job that is pretty stressful doing youth development, I student teach 40 hours a week (for free….ugh) and I maintain my relationship. So honestly, I think she is thinking it’s going to be way harder than it is. Besides, just being engaged adds literally zero things to your plate. The ring on your finger wouldn’t add any stress unless she is actively planning the wedding, which she can do during school breaks.
Just my opinion though that I think if you’re supporting this new 5 year plan (which she doesn’t even sound sure of since she keeps changing her mind), I would think she could meet you half way and enthusiastically agree to get engaged to the man she loves.
Just my opinion 🙂
Edit to add: My boyfriend is thinking about going back to school (for what he doesn’t know yet…grrr) which I totally support. But if he told me we now couldn’t get engaged and follow our “timeline” and everything would be pushed back until he was done, I would 100% NOT be on board with that.
Post # 66
I don’t think this has much to do with support, mrs. i-write-in-bold-for-emphasis. The OP clearly wants to move forward with marriage and all that, and this degree seems to mean that his SO wants to put off marriage and the like for the 5 years. He is 28, and she is 24, that’s kind of a significant thing.
As someone who got engaged and married during her university career, I fail to see why she couldn’t entertain marriage during a degree.
Post # 67
If I could chime in, I got engaged and married during my early university career. We just decided on a 2 year engagement so we could slowly plan with no stress, and voila. Successful wedding with minimal stress, and DH and I managed to graduate with first class honours in our respective fields. It is absolutely doable, and not WW3 as some people are suggesting. Marriage and weddings are really not something to stress about.
Post # 68
OP, I don’t understand this statement “My girlfriend doesn’t want to get engaged while in school because of the stress.”
What’s stressful about being engaged while in school? Accepting a proposal doesn’t mean she has to start planning yet.
Post # 69
This was exactly my thoughts. As someone who got engaged during university… it was zero stress. Oh, a ring? Thank you! End of story – no stress at all.
We had a lazy 2 year engagement and it was 100% fine. I could never imagine going up to DH and being like ya, I’m just going to throw all our plans of marriage and life out the window and put a 5 year roadblock (that doesn’t even need to be a roadblock) in front of it all.
I honestly feel like she is either being very selfish, or she is getting some kind of cold feet that she is not communicating about.
Post # 70
I’m going to PM you as my response is a bit lengthy.
Post # 71
OP- one thing I don’t get- you say you always want your relationship to be moving forward- great, that’s good. But what does that mean long-term? Yes, now it’s date/move in/get engaged/get married. Then what? Kids maybe. But THEN what? How are you going to qualify whether or not the relationship is moving forward once you’re married/have kids? If I were her and I read this, that would be my worry- what am I going to have to do to have him thinking our relationship is always ‘moving forward’ for the rest of my life? And does that mean altering my wants/goals to fit his timelines.
What happens when you retire? Let’s say you’re 65. And you’ve been working for 40 years at that point. Well your now-wife will only be 61, working for 32 years. Are you going to be upset that she wants to keep working and you want to travel? Will she not be putting you as #1, so therefore isn’t moving the relationship forward?
What’s the underlying reason as to why you can’t be happy with how things are at the present? I mean if you were a woman and 35 I’d get the urgency, but from a 28yo guy, I just don’t get the need to have such an inflexible timeline.
Also- let’s say you two do split. You’ve been with her 2 years, and were thinking anohter 2 before getting engaged- that’s 4 years. So let’s say you split today, you still wouldn’t be getting married for 4-5 years- even if you met your next wife today!
Post # 72
well miss-self-righteous, what I meant by my bolded text was that if he loves her he will support her decision to go to school to get her degree. It’s as simple as that. If she’s worth waiting for then she is, if he can’t wait for her then he needs to let her know that. if you read his updates U would understand that her thought process is that it will be stressful to plan the wedding that she wants while going to school. I think that’s perfectly reasonable. he had a conversation where he realized he needed to just stop controlling the situation and let whatever happens Happens. and im glad he decided to do that…they are both now on the same page, He’s supporting whatever she chooses and that’s EXACTLY what I was suggesting by what I wrote…. So thanks for the unnecessary attitude 😘
Post # 73
you said, “marriage and weddings are not something to stress about”, yet u said U decided to have a 2 year engagement so we can “slowly plan with no stress”…… So which is it?
i think his Girlfriend isnt crazy for believing it will be hard to deal with full time school work and planning a wedding.
Post # 74
ETA, in his update he said she’s now starting to question even doing the full load of work and admitted it was because of him being disappointed. His attitude about the whole thing has already put a bad taste in her mouth…. I mean im glad they’re on the same page but he needs to slow his roll a bit. I know on weddingBee there are a lot of people who are waiting and that can def suck but I think it’s important to understand where she’s coming from. It sounds like she really wanted to do this and now might be changing her mind….
Post # 75
His update aside, I just want to know your thoughts on the situation being reversed. What if a 28 year old woman was ready to get married and start having kids. She’s been waiting for a while but her patience is running thin. All of a sudden, her boyfriend (without talking to her first) decides he’s going to enroll in a 5 year schooling plan and tells her “eh, too bad. Not getting engaged now. It’ll have to wait until I’M established”. I feel like a lot of bee’s would say “He’s not making YOU a priority. He’s being SELFISH. Are you going to wait around forever? Find someone who is excited to marry you! Someone who won’t use a lame excuse of ‘school and wedding planning is stressful’. Hell, you could always go to the courthouse! This is a copout! He doesn’t want to marry yoU!”
I feel like we’re always too sympathetic to the women and perpetually see what the guy does as being an ass hole. Now, I totally agree with you that if someone is worth the wait – you’ll wait. I dated my husband for 8 years before getting married. I was willing to wait forever because I just didn’t want to be with anyone else. However, I would be very upset if my husband made this 5 year plan without any regards to me and our relationship. I think if you plan on spending your life with someone, you’ll want to make major decisions together.