(Closed) Boyfriend here…A reversal of the "waiting game"…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 76
Member
4400 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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SoonAsYouCan:  U make very good points and I can completely sympathize with him. I was just trying to let the other Bee know what I meant by my first post. Believe me I was a waiter, for almost 7 years! kind of like u! I get the whole waiting thing, and yes I would be disappointed too but it sounded like her reasons seemed valid and I still think if she’s worth it, she’s worth it, even if the roles were reversed. Trust me I waited until my now Fiance was completely established in his career and ready to propose .. All I’m saying is it was worth the wait and I’m very happy, and I see u got married which is awesome! I always appreciate UR point of view. And yes I’m partial to women’s point of view! Haha, always have been, can’t help it 😜

Post # 77
Member
3936 posts
Honey bee

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Cheekie0077:  

I thought the term was, waitress.

 

 

[drops mic]

Post # 78
Member
13774 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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SoonAsYouCan:  I’m not at all convinced people would jump to the OP’s defense if the guy was 24 and had not yet gotten his BA. Waiting, to many people, starts once their partner is finished with school and established in a career. This is different because the OP is older and already established. It’s also different because they, as a couple  had discussed one timeline, but the Girlfriend seemed to change it based on her new career and educational ambitions. 

Post # 79
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

The Bee can be fairly unfair when it comes to role reversals. If you were a female, and she was a male, you’d be getting some different advice than what you have been given. I see no problem with what you’re saying. You’re 28, and if you wait the 5 years she wants you to, then you would be married at 33, best case scenario. You probably wouldn’t have kids right after the wedding, as she would want to work some years, so you’d probably be having kids around 35 or 36. And no, you aren’t selfish for wanting those things sooner. Don’t let others convince you that you are. 

I’m in college right now, graduating next Fall with a major and two minors. I work almost full time, as well. Guess what? Can it be a little stressful? Sure, during finals week. But college is NOT as stressful as she’s making it out to be, and this is coming from someone who is currently in it. That’s not an actual excuse, I believe she’s a bit unfamiliar with what to expect. Frankly, relationships are about compromise. If you had it your way, you’d be engaged in 2 years-but she changed her path. But why can’t SHE compromise? I know plenty of people who are planning a wedding in college (I don’t support it, only because they’re 22 right now. But planning a wedding in college isn’t as difficult as it seems). Why can’t she say, “alright, I’ll meet you in the middle. We had originally planned for engagement in 2 years. Can we wait 3 years, so smack dab in the middle of my degree?” That’s just a year extra for you to wait, which I think you’d agree is nothing compared to the five. If SHE really cares about your timeline, she will compromise, too. You’re not the only one that’s supposed to do it. Sit her down and say, “I am so happy that you’re choosing to major in something you’re passionate about. However, I am 28. If we wait your five years timeline, we will be married when I’m 33-34, and that’s just not a timeline I’m personally comfortable with. If I help out as much as possible, would you feel comfortable meeting me in the middle, and becoming enganged in 3 years? I want you to be happy and doing something you love, but we are finding ourselves with different timelines, and if we want this to work, I think we need to meet in the middle and compromise.” 

 

That means you would be engaged at likely 30, and her at 25. Very simple. If she says no, and does not understand, then I think she’s not considering you, as well, and you need to make your choice. But if she’s asking you to wait until 33 until marriage, and likely 35-36 until kids, I don’t blame you for rethinking things. 

Post # 80
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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yourhandinmine:  Eh, I don’t think the advice he’s been given is so different than what women get. When he first posted, people were wondering why the heck they couldn’t get engaged while she was in school. Then he clarified that she didn’t want to and after that he got quite a few people (including me) telling him that it’s fine for his timeline to be important to him, a few people telling him to support her no matter what, and a few people counseling compromise.

Check out the waiting boards. When a woman posts that her boyfriend isn’t ready, she gets a smattering of “leave him now!”, a few people advocating for compromise, and a few who chime in with “well I waited for TWELVE YEARS, when he’s ready, he’s ready.” This seems not dissimilar.

Post # 81
Member
13774 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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yourhandinmine:  The real comparison would be if a 28 year old woman came on these boards impatient because her 24 yo BF wanted to cut back on working to get his bachelors and pursue a better career path. Everyone would be lining up to say he’s young and she’s being a little unrealistic. And that if she wanted someone on a more compatible timeline it appears it might not be him.

 

Post # 82
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

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ABusyBride:  You’re correct, I was just refering to posters who thought of him as selfish for wanting that within the next 2-3 years. I just didn’t take too kindly to people thinking he was selfish, while if it was a female, they’d say “Of course not, your clock is ticking, no selfish at all!”

Post # 83
Member
37 posts
Newbee

I went to nursing school with A LOT of people who were engaged, married, or had kids and were in school. I myself was in a long distance relationship for the first year and 10 months of our relationship, and most of that was spent in nursing school!

 

My point is, teaching, nursing, etc …. if she wants to go to school she should. If she loves you she will make time for you. If you love her you will support her. You guys will still have a functioning relationship if you both want it!

 

And if you wanna marry her and have a family …years down the road you’ll both be happy you both have good careers to support a family and each other. 

 

If you don’t want to stick it out, plenty of other men will respect her for going for her dreams and looking out for herself and find it attractive. 

 

I do understand that you just thought marriage was coming soon we though and this is unexpected. It’s okay to be dissapointed. Talk with her about it. Hopefully you can both come to terms and make it work. But please don’t dump her in the middle of schooling! I had an asshole do that to me and screw me up for a semester …he wasn’t worth the tears and I was younger …. but my point is the sooner the better if you really are gonna break up with her.

 

But if you feel like she really isn’t taking the future of the relationship seriously then I can see where you’re coming from. In thst case, I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to wait around 5 years not knowing if she will actually want to get married after. That’d be the same agony us girls feel waiting for years for a guy to propose when we are ready now …and I wouldn’t reccomend waiting around in either situation. 

 

Only you know if you guys are BOTH serious about your future! If so, stick it out …or get married or engaged during her school! Plenty of people do that who are in prolonged schooling but who don’t want to put off other parts of their life. And if you’re the only serious one then it’s your time to dip …make sure you communicate. 

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