- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2016
The Bee can be fairly unfair when it comes to role reversals. If you were a female, and she was a male, you’d be getting some different advice than what you have been given. I see no problem with what you’re saying. You’re 28, and if you wait the 5 years she wants you to, then you would be married at 33, best case scenario. You probably wouldn’t have kids right after the wedding, as she would want to work some years, so you’d probably be having kids around 35 or 36. And no, you aren’t selfish for wanting those things sooner. Don’t let others convince you that you are.
I’m in college right now, graduating next Fall with a major and two minors. I work almost full time, as well. Guess what? Can it be a little stressful? Sure, during finals week. But college is NOT as stressful as she’s making it out to be, and this is coming from someone who is currently in it. That’s not an actual excuse, I believe she’s a bit unfamiliar with what to expect. Frankly, relationships are about compromise. If you had it your way, you’d be engaged in 2 years-but she changed her path. But why can’t SHE compromise? I know plenty of people who are planning a wedding in college (I don’t support it, only because they’re 22 right now. But planning a wedding in college isn’t as difficult as it seems). Why can’t she say, “alright, I’ll meet you in the middle. We had originally planned for engagement in 2 years. Can we wait 3 years, so smack dab in the middle of my degree?” That’s just a year extra for you to wait, which I think you’d agree is nothing compared to the five. If SHE really cares about your timeline, she will compromise, too. You’re not the only one that’s supposed to do it. Sit her down and say, “I am so happy that you’re choosing to major in something you’re passionate about. However, I am 28. If we wait your five years timeline, we will be married when I’m 33-34, and that’s just not a timeline I’m personally comfortable with. If I help out as much as possible, would you feel comfortable meeting me in the middle, and becoming enganged in 3 years? I want you to be happy and doing something you love, but we are finding ourselves with different timelines, and if we want this to work, I think we need to meet in the middle and compromise.”
That means you would be engaged at likely 30, and her at 25. Very simple. If she says no, and does not understand, then I think she’s not considering you, as well, and you need to make your choice. But if she’s asking you to wait until 33 until marriage, and likely 35-36 until kids, I don’t blame you for rethinking things.
Check out the waiting boards. When a woman posts that her boyfriend isn’t ready, she gets a smattering of “leave him now!”, a few people advocating for compromise, and a few who chime in with “well I waited for TWELVE YEARS, when he’s ready, he’s ready.” This seems not dissimilar.
I went to nursing school with A LOT of people who were engaged, married, or had kids and were in school. I myself was in a long distance relationship for the first year and 10 months of our relationship, and most of that was spent in nursing school!
My point is, teaching, nursing, etc …. if she wants to go to school she should. If she loves you she will make time for you. If you love her you will support her. You guys will still have a functioning relationship if you both want it!
And if you wanna marry her and have a family …years down the road you’ll both be happy you both have good careers to support a family and each other.
If you don’t want to stick it out, plenty of other men will respect her for going for her dreams and looking out for herself and find it attractive.
I do understand that you just thought marriage was coming soon we though and this is unexpected. It’s okay to be dissapointed. Talk with her about it. Hopefully you can both come to terms and make it work. But please don’t dump her in the middle of schooling! I had an asshole do that to me and screw me up for a semester …he wasn’t worth the tears and I was younger …. but my point is the sooner the better if you really are gonna break up with her.
But if you feel like she really isn’t taking the future of the relationship seriously then I can see where you’re coming from. In thst case, I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to wait around 5 years not knowing if she will actually want to get married after. That’d be the same agony us girls feel waiting for years for a guy to propose when we are ready now …and I wouldn’t reccomend waiting around in either situation.
Only you know if you guys are BOTH serious about your future! If so, stick it out …or get married or engaged during her school! Plenty of people do that who are in prolonged schooling but who don’t want to put off other parts of their life. And if you’re the only serious one then it’s your time to dip …make sure you communicate.
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