(Closed) Boyfriend invited to a wedding and not me..

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
12956 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would be upset by this!  Absolutely you have a right to be.  At the same time, they may be limiting the number of guests to engaged/married couples only, and this was the way they could fit their guests.  It sucks but…now that I’m in the depths of trying to figure out the guest lists and +1s, I get it.

Post # 4
Member
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Might be an oversight. My BFF was just married and I knew that she wanted both my SO and I to attend. When the invite was addressed it was just to me without a plus one.

I know it must have been a mistake, and my SO came.

Maybe have your SO call the couple to confirm and if they really don’t want you there then… ummm that’s messed up!

Post # 5
Member
5965 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

…that’s really weird, once you break the 200 guest threshold it kind of doesn’t matter anymore…invite congress at that point!

Post # 6
Member
12956 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Nona99:  Where did you see they invited more than 200 guests?  I don’t see a guest count in the OP…

Post # 7
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

That’s off, as you are a couple for 12 years – hell longer than a lot of marriages.  OK – you’re not married but are in a very long-term relationship, and I personally feel you should have been treated as the engaged/married couples.

Post # 8
Member
12956 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Cariad:  Agreed.  I suggested this may have been the reasoning because some people are so strict when they draw that line.  But yeah, 12 years…is basically married and rude to split this social unit. 

Post # 9
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Yeah, unfortunately the proper etiquette rule is—unless you are living together, engaged or married—a guest isn’t required to get a +1. Outdated rule, but when you start writing out your guest list…you’ll see how hard it is to invite everyone of your friends with a +1. Most people want to invite everyone with a +1, but 99% of the time, it’s impossible. 

So not to pick and choose favorites and offend anyone, a lot of people set this rule for their guest list. 

Cutting down our guest list was, by far, the worst part of wedding planning. 

Don’t take it personally and let your boyfriend enjoy the time with his family and friends. I’m sure he—as well as the bride and groom throwing the wedding—will appreciate it! 

 

Post # 10
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I am a bride and I only invited married and engaged couples.  The unmarried couples that we did invite, we had to be very good friends with both.  Our single guests or relationships where we really only knew the one side…do not have plus ones.  

I wouldn’t take it personally at all…the decisions we made were due to finances.  Weddings are so, so, so expensive and if everyone was allowed a plus one…we couldn’t get married.  We chose to have the closest people there….I know you said you met them but it is the biggest day of their life that comes at a steep price!  You probably were not the only one who may of been left out and when you start making exceptions it gets very complicated on the bride and groom!

Post # 11
Member
8472 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Yeah, I mean, c’mon now, you’re with him 12 years!  That’s plain crazy!  You have every right to be there.  But like people are saying, you never know people’s financial status.  Perhaps your boyfriend can find out why?

Post # 12
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I feel ya! This happened to me a few months after we got engaged. A couple who was getting married about a month before us sent the save the date to just my Fiance. It made me feel weird since we were planning on inviting BOTH of them to our wedding (we still did and they RSVPed for 2 right away). It looks like they’ve since post-poned their wedding, so I didn’t get a chance to see if my name was added when they sent out invitations.

If it’s just the save the date, I would say wait and see if they add your name to the invitation. If you’re already at the invitation stage, maybe reach out to your boyfriend’s brother and see if he thinks his friend intended on you being included too. My advice would be to not be the person who RSVPs and wasn’t invited. If it turns out they are having to limit guest numbers or something, you don’t want to be the cause of them freaking out. You boyfriend can let them know that he would love to come, but won’t be able to make the trip without you.

Overall, I think it is very rude of them to not include you at this stage in your relationship. Hope it goes well and try to not dwell on it!

Post # 13
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m with you given how long you guys have been together! 12 years of dating is more than people there may have been married. It’s ridiculous that your relationship is viewed as less “legit” because you’re not married. I get the whole only inviting married/engaged people, but a 12 year relationship – come on! You should have been invited. 

Post # 14
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi harrissj52:, I see that this is your first post on WBee… so WELCOME to “the Hive”

12 Years is a long time for sure… BUT as the others said, when it comes to Wedding Invites, and the huge expense that goes along with Weddings ($200+ per head is not unheard of) then it can be understandable that sometimes feelings get hurt when Guest Lists are drawn up (lots of posts on that topic here on WBee).

As noted, many Couples in an effort to keep costs in check, opt to just invite Married or Engaged Couples… some do however add in those that are Living Together… and in situations where purse strings aren’t as tight then yes Plus Ones may be extended.

You said that the Groom is the friend of your Boyfriend’s Brother… so the distance on “the family tree” is quite distant between you and the couple.  So even tho you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend have been dating a long time… I am guessing when it came time for them to trim down the Guest List, that you were one of the unfortunate souls who didn’t get an Invite

Honestly, you shouldn’t take it personally.  I am certain that the B&G would have LOVED to have included you… heck their original “dream” Guest List may have been twice the size of what they found out they could realistically afford / manage.

Your Boyfriend or Best Friend should attend the Wedding if he can (realize that 300 Miles is a fair distance away).  And you should be happy that he was included… because as noted, a friend of his Brother isn’t really that “close” in the scheme of things.  If you like, the two of you could sign a card together, and thereby send them your Best Wishes as well (would be the classy thing to do)

I know it sucks not to be invited… but it is what it is… just a sad fact of Wedding Planning.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 15
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

perspective changes this a lot… case in point:

“i would NEVER invite anyone to MY wedding without a +1. even if they are single that’s just rude. who asks an ADULT to eat alone?”

– bostongirl27, July 2011 (4 months pre engagement), upon Boyfriend or Best Friend receiving a solo invite to his friend’s wedding

 

vs.

 

“he has a girlfriend now? dammit! ugh…well have you met her? no? hmm… ok, maybe they will break up and he can find a hot bridesmaid at the wedding then because that dude is flying solo.”

– bostongirl27, July 2012 (11 months pre wedding and still 20 people over our guestlist max), upon learning FI’s friend declared his loved for some chick on facebook

 

Post # 16
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If your Boyfriend or Best Friend is close enough to them to get an invite, he should just call and ask if you are included in the invite, at that time he can mention your 12 year relationship if they aren’t aware. this would clear up any confusion of an oversight and you would resolve feelings of being left out, bc chances are they will say oh of course bring your SO, if they say no I’m sure they will tell him why and then you won’t be asking yourself why.

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