Post # 17
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I would definitely be offended! As someone who was in a LONG term relationship (also ~12 years) before getting engaged, everyone who knows us knows that we are sharing our lives together, with or without an engagement ring. I suspect it’s a similar situation for you, right? Like someone else said, 12 years is longer than many, many marriages. While the “official etiquette” may call for only invited married or engaged couples, this is definitely a situation where that stupid rule should get thrown out the window. So yeah, I would be PISSED if I were you (if it’s an event you’d like to attend) and have your boyfriend basically tell them you both are coming or neither…
Post # 18
It’s your SO’s brother’s friends that are getting married. Unfortunately couples just can’t invite everyone. While you may be in a very long term relationship and going on 12 yrs together, this isn’t your SO’s friend or relative, its his brother’s friend.
So far out from couple, that one of the first things they did was cut the +1s of those they weren’t personally close to, and that happened to include you.
I understand being hurt by that, but when it’s your turn you will undersetand their situation.
I would leave it be, if your SO wants to attend, let him, if he chooses to decline because of you not being included that is fine too.
Do not be one of those people that asks if it was an oversight. If you ask the couple may feel obligated to extend an invite and play it off as an oversight, only to turn around and come on the bee and complain and stress because they felt forced to invite people they couldn’t afford to include.
Post # 19
Your feelings are your feelings and are never wrong, however it sounds like you don’t know this people, and they may not even be that close to your boyfriend. I think it’s a simple solution, if it bothers you and him that much simply rsvp your regrets.
I also wouldn’t rush to judgement about the couples intent, they may just know your boyfriend isn’t married and haven’t kept up with his love life so they just issued him a plus one.
Post # 20
TO – bostongirl27: I know this is off-topic, but I think it deserves to be said…
I just wanted to say GREAT POST !!
It may not be exactly the same situation as the OP… but it says TONS about perspective…
It is one of the great things about the Internet, WBee and Life… a lot depends on WHERE you are in the process
Realize that it might have taken a bit of courage on your part to post something so self-depreciating… (on what many times is a sticky point / contraversial subject here on the Etiquette Board)
So I want to say it takes a lot sometimes to say… “Hey I get it… I learned something”
I nominate your post as the POST OF THE WEEK here on WBee for your openess & honesty.
Post # 21
It does suck. My cousin invited me but not my Fiance to her wedding, even though we’re been together longer than them and we’ve lived together/ bought a house before them. It’s not a budgetary issue either because she’s constantly boasting how many people she’s invited and how much they’re spending. I am perplexed by it because my Fiance is literally one of the nicest guys you can meet (everyone tells me). I am quite hurt by it and I was considering not going but I love her parents.
Post # 22
Are you living together? When we had to cut down our guestlist; we gave everyone a +1 that was engaged/living together/married. A few friends got exceptions to that rule when I knew that their +1 was their long term gf/bf and I’ve met them. Anyone that just recently “got into a relationship” did not get a plus 1.
From a bride’s perspective; I had to cut people out to meet our headcount and the first people to get cut were the bf/gfs of people that weren’t living together and I only met at large social gatherings. Anyone that I knew well and didn’t fit the +1 criteria I kept because they met my “friend” criteria, aka I had a relationship with both the friend and their SO.
Post # 23
I don’t care how much they are paying per head or if they’ve only met the SO once or twice, it is plain rude not to invite someone’s SO of 12 years. Period.
This is how it should go down: When you making your guest list, you have a budget you need to keep in. You determine who are your “must invites” and if they are married/engaged/in a serious relationship you know that those people CANNOT be split up. And you work backwards from there, if you really want those people there then you need to cut your budget elsewhere.
There is really no excuse for it.
Post # 24
@Nona99: excuse you
– there are some bride and grooms that have a strong personal relationship with all of their guests, even if the guest count is 200! did you think for a second that some families are HUGE? my parents have tons of siblings, we have lots of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. my FI’s side also has a very, very large family. our wedding is a celebration of merging the two sides and bringing the families together. and trust me, we have had a very, very hard time with guest list because we have a big group of friends too. so a plus one WOULD make a difference, even with a larger guest count.
to the OP, some brides and grooms just don’t have the room to invite someone they don’t know well. we had to stop our plus ones at married/engaged because it came down to cutting our own family members to be able to give plus 1’s to any SO, even a long-term one. However, if we personally knew the couple well, we’d find a way to give a plus 1 to that SO in a 12 year relationship. But it sounds like they dont even know you very well.
Post # 25
I’m a little shocked that so many people think this is fine. Couples are a social unit, you do not invite someone without their girlfriend of 12 YEARS! I get that there are limits, we are on a tight budget too, but that is no excuse. If you can’t afford both parts of a couple, don’t invite either, that is way less offensive. If this was me and my Fiance (even before we got engaged), either one of us would just decline to attend the wedding. And yes, I would be offended too.
Post # 26
Ditto! Like my initial thought of, “I’m NEVER EVER EVER inviting anyone that I don’t personally want to my wedding,” vs. “Crap, Future Mother-In-Law added another couple and their two kids.”
I totally understand being hurt that you weren’t invited. I just wanted to ask if anyone clarified that you are truly not invited? Is there any way for your Fiance to politely ask? What if they just didn’t know how to spell your name or perhaps they assumed he’d just bring you… I don’t know, I just wanted to be sure that you were positive you weren’t invited before getting really upset.
Post # 27
What I don’t get about people who get upset about an unengaged/unmarried person not being invited with a +1 to a wedding or acting indignant enough to add a name to an RSVP or just having his or her SO crash a wedding is—WHY would they want to go in the first place. I had never even thought to get upset about this (and don’t get me started on people adding names to RSVPs—this is unheard of in my circle of family and friends).
Before getting engaged, I had never even thought that just because I had been with my SO for years, that I was guaranteed to go to every single social event he was invited to and vice-versa. We are both from big families, and to be honest someitmes he was invited to a distant cousin’s kids wedding—and I was happy NOT to have to take off work, travel to Maine to celebrate the beginning of a couple’s life together that I didn’t know.
We’re all here on these boards trying to get good ideas for own weddings, solving all sorts problems, asking for advice, and to run things by each other. In doing this, I find that the number one answer to a bride asking a question about a dress, decor, theme, paper goods, flowers, etc..is: “it’s your wedding day—do what you want and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Who cares what anyone else thinks.”Well, the same thing comes to a guest list. as a guest—that is what you are a guest to a bride’s wedding. A bride who has spent hours agonizing over her list, her venue space, her budget…and not extending a +1 to a non-married or non-engaged couple is 100% okay, and as a guest (or in this case the girlfriend of a guest) you have to be okay with that. In the end it comes down to who the bride wants to celebrate with on her wedding day. If your name is not on the invitation, then it’s not you. It’s that simple.
Post # 28
Your boyfriend of TWELVE years? heck yes, i would be upset too!
Post # 29
I’m not even thinking about the 12 years thing so much but your poor BF who is expected to travel 300 miles by himself. I’m sorry but if the guest is that far away then they should be given a plus one for a travel buddy and then to add that you have been together 12 years, isn’t that like a common law marriage??? I would be very offended if I were you and if I was in this situation were I was invited but not my SO of 12 years I would politly decline.
Post # 30
would i be upset? probably. would i know that i am being irrational by being upset? yes
Post # 31
I think her SO can travel alone, also she could travel with him and not attend the wedding if he couldn’t handle the travel. Almost all of our guests are coming from Out of Town and are not getting +1s unless they’re engaged/married or super close friends with us.
It is a hard line to draw but imagine if the bride posted here annoyed that her FI’s friend’s brother called to invite his Girlfriend, most people would support her.