(Closed) Boyfriend invited to a wedding and not me..

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 47
Member
1351 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Here was our rule- if you hadn’t been dating for at least 2yrs/living together/engaged/married/we don’t know you really well- then your SO didn’t get invited. We did NOT give +1s to every adult as  we didn’t have the money unless you fit into one of the above categories. Maaaan his groomsmen were SO mad we didn’t give them a +1 for their girlfriend of 2months. Funny thing is- they were broken up by the time the wedding came around, and they still had a great time! Now, you two have been together for 12yrs! I would’ve totally invited you. So, I think you have a right to feel hurt. But, it seems as if you don’t really know them so I would’n’t take it too personally. But, at the end of the day couples should have a right to invite who they want to their wedding, as you should have the right to invite who you want to yours.

Post # 48
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
@This Time Round:  Every thread could use some cheese.  😉

/threadjack

Post # 49
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Did someone just say cheese? 

Post # 50
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@june3012: The problem with that statement (do whatever you want, it’s your wedding), is that these people are hopefully people you want in your life long after the wedding. So yes you should consider etiquette and how you are treating the people that you want to celebrate with you.

Post # 51
Member
7344 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Come on? 12 Years? You’re essentially married without the marriage license. Totally rude to invite your boyfriend without you.

While I don’t agree with the thought you have to make cuts and can’t include everyone’s SO, I think a couple of 12 years trumps the comparison of a girlfriend of 2 months.

OP, I’ve been in your shoes. Honestly, the only thing to be done is your BF can RSVP no, and if asked why, he can just politely tell him that you are a couple and he didn’t want to attend without you. They might realize their mistake and rectify it or say “sorry we’ll miss you” and you’ll have your answer.

My Fiance and I have also been together for 12 years. About 3 years ago (9 years in, owned a home, but still pre-engagement) Fiance was invited to a wedding with no +1. Keep in mind that WE were invited to an engagement party held here locally (the wedding was in their hometown) for the friends who weren’t invited to the wedding due to budget/space. We attended the engagement party, and then the invite came and I was not on it. Fiance declined, and they never asked why. It’s not like they didn’t know about us, the groom had stayed in our home before. Ironically now that we’re getting married Fiance invited them, and wouldn’t you know they’re coming.

Post # 52
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@magicmoments Have you had the pleasure of finalizing your guest list yet?

The OP stated that the couple getting married is the friend of her boyfriend’s brother that lives over 300 miles away. 

Maybe the couple had one spot yet and thought that the BF would like to accompany the brother. Maybe the bride doesn’t know they have been dating 12 years. 

Most brides don’t have the luxury of inviting everyone with a +1—for a myraid reasons. Based on personal experince, I made the rule that no one that wasn’t engaged, married, or living together gets a +1. That way no one can accuse me of picking and choosing which SO’s I like better. In fact one couple got engaged 2 weeks before our wedding and I called my friend and extended her a +1. 

If a “friend” didn’t want to come because her boyfrined wasn’t invited, then don’t come. Everyone know people there, and the tables were painstakingly thought-out and arranged so no one would feel uncomfortable or sit with people they don’t know. 

Abiding by the rule we set, we avoided having to judge whose relationships are more serious than whose. In my opinion, a couple dating a year can be just as serious as a couple dating 12 years. As a bride, hosting a party with limited space, you have to draw the line somewhere.

 

Post # 53
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@bostongirl27:  YES!  This x1,000,000.

Our grand plan involved every person allowed to bring a +1.  Then my parents invited 30 extra family members/friends and our plan went right out the window. 

OP, for all you know the same thing happened there.  I agree with others.  It must feel like a slap in the face not to be invited, and I’d be upset too.  In real life, though, it’s not always possible to give everyone a +1.  

Post # 54
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

View original reply
@BrooklynWife:  Well considering my wedding is a year away, I wouldn’t call my guest list finalized I suppose. But we have included a date for every single person over the age of 18, so that anyone that is in a relationship by then will be able to bring their SO. The truly single people we will decide when the time comes, I would actually like to give them the option of a date too but those are the only ones I would even consider cutting. And that is non-negotiable, our entire budget is based around the list we have now.

I also thing that implying that someone isn’t really your friend if they don’t come without their SO is ridiculous. So her boyfriend should go to the wedding to be a real friend, but they are perfectly fine offending his girlfriend? It’s not like these are made up rules, it’s standard etiquette, she has every right to be offended.

Post # 55
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Just show up with him.  Problem solved 😉

 


*slowly backing away from the conversation*

Post # 56
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

View original reply
@Hbomb84:  Haha!

View original reply
@magicmoments:  have you picked a venue or perhaps a caterer? I think it’s real easy to think its that cut and dry when you don’t have figures in front of you and that money’s not flying out of your account. I’m also pretty sure that I’m not the only one who isn’t going to cut costs in the other details of a wedding I’ve always wanted just so I don’t hurt someone I don’t know’s feelings. While I do think a long term SO should be included out of respect, I would think not inviting your friend at all is going to be way more offensive. If its important to that person, they’ll be there regardless of a +1.. 

Post # 57
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

View original reply
@Soon2B_MrsS:  Yes I have a venue, caterer, and rentals all picked out and contracted. And an estimate from the florist on centerpieces. Everything I have picked is based on my limited budget and the number of people on our list.

Also, you are not just talking about hurting the feelings of a random person you don’t know. You are talking about hurting the feelings of a person that means a lot to a friend, and most likely the feelings of your friend too.

I also totally understand wanting the dream wedding, but you have to work within your budget. You should cut the guest list or cut something else, you (general you, not just you specifically) are an adult and sometimes you don’t get everything you want. You can choose to handle that gracefully and make a tough choice, or you can choose to be rude to your friends so you can have everything your way.

If its important to that person, they’ll be there regardless of a #1

As for this part, the same could be said for the bride and groom, if their friends were important to them, they wouldn’t break etiquette and offend them this way. My friends are so important to me but I would not go to that wedding. My SO and his feelings are important too.

Post # 58
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

View original reply
@magicmoments:  Really in the scenario of your wedding, you can have what you want. If putting your guests who may have a gf/bf pop up out of the woodwork by the time your day comes makes you happy, that’s great. However, if one side has a huge family and a certain number of guests has been set, I’m not budgeting around someone who may or may not exist at that time. Of course different circumstances could arise but if it’s new, it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal if theyre not invited anyway.

But hey, it’s all personal preference!

Post # 59
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You said you’ve met the bride and groom before. They may know you are the girlfriend but do they know how long you’ve been dating? If you met once or twice they might not know you’re in a long term relationship. If they were told you’ve been together 12 years could they have HEARD 12 months? Could the invite of your bf be an oversight? If your bf knows the groom can he call and confirm the invite is for himself only. I’m not trying to make excuses for them but rather not see someone be upset over something until you know it was intentional.

Speaking of not intentionally inviting someone….. I was invited to a wedding of my friends daughter. I was living with my bf (now husband) at the time but the envelope was addressed to me only. One day a week or so later my friend called and explained that since her budget is so tight she was only able to invite me. I told her I totally understand and I’m sure Mr. B does too. He did and told me to go, have fun and not even think twice about it. Plus I’m pretty good at talking/socializing with people all by myself. I heard from her the next day, she said I was so understanding and didn’t complain about my bf not being invited she made room in her budget for him. I thanked her for doing that and it was a beautiful wedding.

Post # 60
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
@Ill Be Mrs B:  That’s so nice.

I kind of wonder if it was apolite, I like you and youre the brother of my friend, so here’s an invite.  It just depends how well you know the guy.  Think about The conversation between him and his fiancée as they try to justify each invite. (side note, I’d still be annoyed as understanding as Id be of the situation….). Maybe they don’t think he’d go without you anyway?

Post # 61
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

When I was getting my invites ready my Fiance did not know anyone’s last name or spouses name… no joke.  His life long friens and family members, he didn’t know their names so I had a really hard time and some people got Mr. So and so and guest, I think most married people got both names.  I need to set up address cards for people to fill out at the wedding!

The topic ‘Boyfriend invited to a wedding and not me..’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors