Post # 1
Hello Hive! I’ve been a longtime lurker, and this is my first post. My boyfriend of nearly two years is exceptionally close with his sister. It’s just the two of them, and they’re five years apart (he’s early thirties, she’s late thirties). They live together. Neither of them need to financially, but they bought a house together several years ago and neither of them have ever moved out. They golf together several times a week, and spend nearly evening at home together watching TV. They go out to dinner at least once a week together, constantly text each other, and share all the same friends. They’re in the same sports league and throw parties together.
He has no interest in moving out any time soon, and neither does she. I’m getting really tired of our date nights ending with him dropping me off at my place, and him going to spend the rest of the night chiling with his sister. He gets extremely testy when I bring it up–his sister is untouchable! I don’t know what I’m trying to gain from posting here, but can anyone commiserate or provide any advice? He’s pretty great otherwise. I just feel like I’m the other woman sometimes in this relationship!
Post # 2
sistersister : you feel like the other woman because you are.
He might not be romantically involved but his loyalty and devotion are to his “sister”. That’s why he’s testy when you try to bring it up.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
You are the other woman. He’s emotionally married to his sister, but he can’t date her so that’s where you come in.
Post # 4
He’s already involved with a woman and it’s not you. You’re the bonus girl.
Post # 5
sistersister : Bizarre! Reminds me of that Friends episode about Rachel’s boyfriend and his behavior with his sister rolling around on the ground tickling each other etc. It was a really funny episode! This real life behavior with your boyfriend would be a deal breaker for me. I’m all for sisterly love but their behavior seems extreme. How do they interact with their parents..is that odd too?
Post # 6
Yeah, hate to break it to you bee but you are the other woman. He is (weirdly) emotionally fulfilled by the relationship he has with his sister. You are the woman he dates romantically but she is the woman he goes home to. I would consider ending this relationship like yesterday.
Post # 7
I don’t think he’s ready for a relationship beyond what he currently has with his sister.
Post # 8
It doesn’t sound like you have much of a future with your boyfriend. It doesn’t sound like he has any interest in changing.
Post # 9
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s a horrible feeling. I hate to say this, but he’s emotionally married to his sister, you’re the other woman who provides what she can’t.
In most cases, it would be a dead end relationship. However, it doesn’t always have to end that way. There’s several sources online (and books) about emotional incest. I would definitely have a discussion about emotional incest with him. He might not even realize how deep he is.
If he doesn’t listen to you, ask him to go to couples counseling with you. Since you two have been together for a couple years now, asking him to go to counseling with you isn’t unreasonable. If he won’t even go to counseling or listen to you, the relationship doesn’t have a future.
My husband used to be like this, but he agreed to go to counseling.
Mini story time:
My husband and his sister had joint everything. Gym membership, phone bills, etc. I didn’t know about this before we moved in together. Four months after we moved in together, he tried to move her into our home. I could go on about the things she has done out of jealousy. I almost posted it, but the backstory is way too long. We ended up seperating for four months. During that time, they moved in together. We went to counseling a month after we seperated. He took a job and we moved thousands of miles away from the in laws. Months after we moved away, she still calls 100 times a day like a psycho. The last time he answered, she screamed at him (speakerphone wasn’t necessary) bitching about how he doesn’t dedicate all of his time talking to her and how I “stole” him away from her. Oh, and how I ruined their relationship. He just hung up on her after that.
After all of those hurdles, now we’re married!
Post # 10
Jelysea has it exactly right. It’s called emotional incest.
Run like the wind.
Post # 11
mrstodd2bee : His relationship with his father is pretty typical. His relationship with his mother is also extremely close. They will go out to breakfast a couple of times a month, she calls him every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and she, he, and the sister are constantly texting throughout the day in their group text. His mom lives about ten minutes away from them and it’s very common for her to just drop by unannounced and make herself comfortable on the couch.
We have discussed that part before, after one too many romantic nights in was ruined by his mom adding herself in. His response was that he and his sister have had the house for several years, and his mom has gotten used to being able to come and go as she pleases. He insists that “of course” she wouldn’t do that if we got our own place but I am skeptical…
It’s hard because I am close with my own family (who live in the next state, about two hours away) and I want a man to be close with his. This just all seems too much. I brought up the idea of us getting our own place about a month ago. He says he’s very content with the situation as it is now and won’t want to take “the next step” whether it be a ring or a house together for another 6-12 months. He is otherwise great. Steady, well paying job, he’s kind and thoughtful, etc. When he comes over to my place, things are great. We went on vacation recently just by ourselves and it was wonderful. The sister/mom relationship is the biggest issue and I don’t know how to overcome it without seeming needy or jealous.
Post # 12
Woof, I am getting weird vibes all over.
“He says he’s very content with the situation as it is now and won’t want to take “the next step” whether it be a ring or a house together for another 6-12 months.”
His reasoning (“he’s very content with the situation as it is now”) is bizarre. That’s not how a man who is looking forward to taking the next step with his girlfriend talks. Like when DH and I first started talking about moving in together, I was also quite content with my cozy studio apartment that I had all to myself, but I was MORE excited about the idea of taking this next step in our relationship. I can’t imagine telling him “well yes maybe in another year, I’m just so content right now with my situation.” It just doesn’t bode well bee.
I also think, while 6-12 months isn’t a ridicuous timeline, it’s still kinda pushing it. Y’all have been together for 2 years already and are in your 30s. You’re not talking about getting married in 6-12 months, you’re talking about moving in! If his reasons were logistical or financial, like “I need to wait til my lease is up” or “I want to finish grad school first” I would understand, but “I’m content with my situation as it is”??? That just doesn’t sound good bee.
ETA: Maybe this is unfair, but the fact that he and his sister purchased a house together for them to live in seems questionable to me in and of itself. I mean I’m wondering, did they ever have a discussion about what would happen if one of them got married one day and wanted to live with their partner? Or do these topics not even come up because both are just so content with the situation as it is?
Post # 13
I’m sorry to say but it definitely does seem like you’re the other woman, he has the relationship with his sister that gives him everything he needs barring the physical aspect. It seems like he got himself a girlfriend just so he could have that.
How was he on holiday? Did you find he gave you more attention, and everything else that a typical relationship has? Or was he texting/calling them 24/7 still?
I also think his reasoning for not wanting the next step is very weird, he doesn’t want to move forward with you because he is content now? Seems shady.
I don’t believe in ultimatums, especially when it comes to family. Usually when you throw an ultimatum down they will just pick the other person as they hadn’t asked them to choose. Though I would have a serious talk with this guy, and tell him how it makes you feel. You say you don’t want to come across as jealous or needy, but you’ve been with him for 2 years so you should be able to talk about feelings openly.
Good luck Bee! Xo
Post # 14
Are you sure that’s his sister?!
Post # 15
This is wrong on so many levels… And the worst part is that he won’t see how inappropriate they are, and will most likely try to gaslight you…