Boyfriend is stingy with money and I don’t know how to feel about if?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 76
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

solnishko1186 :  “…a guy like that, to me personally, would be a complete embarrassment to take anywhere/introduce to anyone. God forbid we go out with some friends couple together and instead of just splitting the check down the middle, he calculates to the penny who had what. Or we go to friends house party and friend asks hey can you bring some ice or some ingredient they forgot and he charges them…..I️ would die from embarrassment“. 

This. 1000% agree.

I feel like a lot of people have weighed in here and have made really good points (on both sides) but this kind of captures the main issue. I consider myself a generous person, and my husband is also a generous person. We’re very alike in that regard and that makes us compatible. I like to treat friends and family and generally speaking, my friends and family are all the same way. That’s normal in my circle. If I dated a guy like the above I would be beyond mortified. I would also feel like he didn’t trust or respect me enough to cover $5 for lettuce. To me, this has nothing to do with being a “gold digger”and everything to do with how he values her in the relationship. 

OP, is he like this with everyone? Either way, I would think about what this would look like long term. What if you get married? What if you have a child together and take maternity leave? What would your finances look like then? 

Post # 77
Member
2678 posts
Sugar bee

IMO, expecting the man to pick up the tab on the first couple of dates is no different than wanting the man to buy the ring and propose. 

If I recall, a lot of people in the post about “would you propose to him” said that they prefer for him to propose in order for them to feel that certain level of commitment.  

 

 

Post # 78
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Tatum :  💯  You are so right.  If I am the one with more wealth, I would definitely treat him to places at times because I want to share experiences with him.  

malayna :  No, I would not say to dump him if he is the one struggling.  You do have a point that OP and guy have differing values, and I think his is a bit selfish.  PPs are right in saying it may lead to selfishness is other ways.  This could make for a miserable marriage.  

Post # 79
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

You can’t force someone to spend their money on you. He obviously doesn’t feel inspired to treat you, for whatever reason, a tight attitude to money or he’s just not taking this seriously etc. Also the arrangement between him and his parents with regards to billing is none of your business, being only eight months into dating.

However, I do think you should talk to him OP. Point out one time that you “don’t feel like you’re his girlfriend” and it seems more like a friend type relationship. Then leave it. See what he says but more importantly what he does. Meeting the parents is important for progressing your relationship so make sure that happens too xo

Post # 80
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

mimivac :  Exactly, if we are going that route, why be nice at all?Nobody ‘owes’ anyone anything.  Jeeze PP, it is not about owing; it is about being generous of spirit.  

Post # 81
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Oh thank goodness he’s just your boyfriend. Amazing to me you’ve been with him so long. I stopped dating people for far less irritating “quirks” than this. Don’t think you can change him. That’s not a reality or even a hope you should hang on to. If it  bothers you now think how it’s going to be down the road with a mortgage and kids? He’ll keep tabs on your spending. I work with a woman who has an estranged husband who is just this type and she hates him with a vengeance I didn’t ever think this swear old woman was even capable of. Dont become her. There are plenty of generous people out there who would be honored to buy you dinner.

Post # 83
Member
2813 posts
Sugar bee

tiffanybruiser :  One of my friends was dating this guy for maybe 2 months. One Friday he offers to get them dinner and have it over her place. He brings rotisserie chicken, and wine, she cooks salads and sides. He spends the night and in the am takes the leftovers of chicken and unfinished bottle of wine with him. She stopped communication with him after that. Unfortunately to him, they had some friends in common. Now EVERYONE in our circle knows him as rotisserie chicken guy. You don’t want to be rotisserie chickens guy 🤦‍♀️ Nor I️ charge my Girlfriend for lettuce guy 

Post # 84
Member
4049 posts
Honey bee

My father taught me at a young age never to stay with someone who didn’t spend money on me. Sounds terribly old fashioned but it was fucking great advice. 

These people who are so cheap are INVARIABLY generous with themselves. OP you can’t fix cheap; it’s a character flaw. Dump him, I guarantee you can do bettrr.

Post # 86
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

solnishko1186 :  Ugh just why!? So weird.

I dated a guy in college who was like this. It was like a two month relationship. One weekend toward the end of term, he offered to buy pizza for me and one other friend cause he had a ton of points on his meal card that were gonna go to waste if he didn’t use them. We were like cool thanks! Then later that night he starts acting all pissy when we’re still hanging out with my friend…like he just goes awkwardly silent out of nowhere and refuses to engage any further. I ask him what’s up, and he tells me he didn’t feel we were grateful enough that he got us the pizza. Keep in mind this would have been like a $5 pizza, and it was actually free because he used meal plan points that were gonna expire if he didn’t spend them within the next couple days. He then started ranting about how hard his mother works to be able to pay for his meal plan and he just can’t handle people who aren’t grateful. Dude was a total tool, so many other examples, but this one def stuck out.

Post # 87
Member
2813 posts
Sugar bee

sunburn :  Great advice. I️ agree with your dad. And yes, «cheap” people tend to be very generous with themselves. Just cheap with everyone else. 

Post # 89
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

rrowlan6 :  Oof, I’d dump him. He doesn’t seem to have the needed empathy most people require in a relationship. This is 8 months in. That’s not a long time, but that’s enough time to see how he prioritizes time, care, and money.

Post # 90
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

malayna :  She did not say he always had to pay for her; she pays for him, too sometimes, as she said.

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