Boyfriend is stingy with money and I don’t know how to feel about if?

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 106
Member
3888 posts
Honey bee

I can’t get over the $5 lettuce thing.

Post # 107
Member
7828 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

solnishko1186 :  Well, but he already has stopped Venmo-ing her for groceries, a point that keeps getting overlooked in this thread. That’s why I think there is hope here. He has already shown a capacity for change. No, she shouldn’t assume he’s going to change further – I don’t see anyone suggesting that. What she should do is have a direct convo with him, explain how this makes her feel, and see if he is open to further change. 

Post # 108
Member
369 posts
Helper bee

rrowlan6 :  “My current financial situation is absolutely not permanent. I will be finished with my degree and working as an RN in a little less than two years, and totally on my feet. But the fact that he’s so stingy now makes me feel like he doesn’t see our relationship lasting that long. It’s as if he feels like he doesn’t want to waste money on something that he knows isn’t a long-term situation. “

I think you hit the nail right on the head.

I’m sorry you are struggling to make ends meet, but you are lucky that you have a partner, even if a stingy one. What about people who are struggling, making ends meet and alone? Who takes care of them? 

As I said before, its something you have to talk about together. Being poor can make people uncomfortable talking about money, but it is absolutely essential in a relationship and like you said, your financial stature is temporary. RNs make good money for the amount of hours they work. You should not feel uncomfortable about raising this topic at all. 

Post # 109
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee

malayna :  I’m sorry you are struggling to make ends meet, but you are lucky that you have a partner, even if a stingy one. What about people who are struggling, making ends meet and alone? Who takes care of them? 

I don’t know that OP is “lucky” to have a partner. That might be sending the wrong message. This framing makes her out to be a beggar, not a woman who is fully capable of taking care of herself and who deserves to be as picky as she wants where partners are concerned.

“Who takes care of them?” OP isn’t asking anyone to take care of her, though?

When I met Darling Husband, I was fully capable of taking care of myself and had been doing so for over a decade. It just stretched me too tight to ADD him and the activities he wanted to do to my plate. 

It’s a small distinction, I’ll grant you, but I think an important one.

Post # 110
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

malayna :  I’m sorry you are struggling to make ends meet, but you are lucky that you have a partner, even if a stingy one. What about people who are struggling, making ends meet and alone? Who takes care of them? 

There are some people who make you think back and say “Man, I’m so lucky to be single.”  This is one of those instances.

Post # 111
Member
2826 posts
Sugar bee

tiffanybruiser :  That’s great he stopped the grocery absurdities. However if someone thinks that’s ok in the first place., the person doesn’t posses the generosity traits or even common sense of social interaction, and hospitality . She will have to “explain “ all the time how to treat people. Tipping the waitress. Not charging friends for groceries if invite them for dinner. Not splitting check to the penny if go out to dinner with another couple. Not showing up to someone s house empty handed. Buying a friend a drink and not asking for money back. You can’t completely fix cheap and stingy trait.

Post # 112
Member
2826 posts
Sugar bee

malayna :  “She should just be happy to have a partner”…what? What self respect is that??

Post # 113
Member
3346 posts
Sugar bee

malayna :  

“I’m sorry you are struggling to make ends meet, but you are lucky that you have a partner, even if a stingy one.”

There is absolutely nothing “lucky ” about having a cheap partner. Women need to start thinking of men as lucky to have them rather than “oh I’m so lucky to have anyone at all that I’ll tolerate this cheap/abusive/etc man.

 

 

Post # 114
Member
7828 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

solnishko1186 :  You’re making a lot of assumptions about this dude. Nowhere does the OP say he tips badly, shows up empty handed at social gatherings, or charges friends for groceries. And no, he shouldn’t have Venmo’d her for the groceries in the first place, but it seems he realized that was a bad move, which is why he’s no longer doing it. If someone does something wrong and then realizes they were wrong and changes their ways, I’m typically inclined to give them props for it, not continue berating them for their past behavior. 

It’s possible that his stinginess is so deeply rooted in his character that there’s little to no hope of meaningful change. It’s also possible that he’s never really examined his approach to money until now because he never had a reason to, and once he does, he’ll become a lot more flexible. 

Post # 115
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry you are struggling to make ends meet, but you are lucky that you have a partner, even if a stingy one. What about people who are struggling, making ends meet and alone? Who takes care of them? 

Huh? The OP is just dating this guy. He’s not paying her bills. She takes care of herself. She just wants to know if the fact that he Venmo’s her for lettuce money or won’t ever buy her dinner makes him an ungenerous asshole, uninvested in the relationship or what. Basically should she keep it moving. This has nothing to do with being *lucky* to have *someone*.

Post # 116
Member
9637 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Dump him. Seriously. Do you want a husband like that? yuck. 

 

Post # 117
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

From what I have seen and experienced, while being generous with their money in a relationship (to the extent of it being practicable in their particular financial situation) doesn’t necessarily show that someone is committed to the relationship,  being stingy with their money in a relationship almost certainly shows that someone is not committed to the relationship.  

Whatever happened that led them to feel this lack of commitment, I don’t know. Upbringing? Negative past relationship experiences? Personality? Whatever.  Point is stinginess is a strong indicator that someone doesn’t think a relationship will last long term and/or doesn’t care. Unless they’re teenagers and have no real world experience, they have to know that this kind of behavior bothers MOST people, and they don’t care that you might leave over it. At least they don’t care enough to change.  

If you don’t end up with this guy long term, I guarantee you whoever he ends up marrying, he’s not asking them to pay for lettuce and he will have taken them on plenty of dates by the time they get married. To be honest this is just like how someone will be like “oh I just don’t believe in marriage” and then lo and behold the next person they date they’re married within a year.  

Splitting everything 50-50 every time, INCLUDING the times YOU offer to pay, is one thing. Letting you pay for things and still blithely Venmo you $2 the next time you hang out, is CHEAP.

This is regardless of how much you make and how much he makes and whatever your family backgrounds are. If he has no problem benefiting from your generosity, yet never feels the desire to reciprocate, that is CHEAP. I wouldn’t even be friends with somebody like that, let alone date.  

Post # 118
Member
11495 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

rrowlan6 :  Even if he stopped the venmo lettuce routine, and frankly, that would have been the very last date in your place, he continues to show no common sense or empathy for the nature of your relationship or your financial situation. Some things can be learned or a work in progress, but a spirit of generosity and compassion is something you don’t want to HAVE to teach. Part of dating is knowing how to pay attention to signs and yes, how to weed out someone who is this cheap, self centered or clueless. 

I don’t necessarily think this means he is not serious about a future. We don’t know this person and there can be all kind of root causes. But at this stage of dating does it really matter why he is the way he is?  

Post # 119
Member
814 posts
Busy bee

I dated a guy like that once. He had a job in finance making $90k first year out of college. Lived rent free in a huge apartment his grandparents owned (in NYC!!) and literally had no concept why I couldn’t afford to go 50/50 on $100 dinners every weekend when I was making $40k and paying market rate rent.  I didn’t expect him to pay for everything but he still….girlfriend can’t eat at Eleven Madison Park “just cause” he got a reservation there. 

 

I never could figure out if he was cheap or just clueless. He’s now 40 and still single and I think his attitude towards money and dating probably has a lot to do with it. 

 

I’d move on, bee, after having an honest convo about the differences in your “fun” money account.  Or just start telling him, “sorry I can’t afford $5 lettuce. Can we get the $2 one or can you buy this if it means so much to you?”)

 

Stingy people are only going to be happy with another stingy person. That’s an extreme money view where there isn’t any room for compromise. 

Post # 120
Member
2826 posts
Sugar bee

tiffanybruiser :  I️ asked OP how he is with others, hopefully she responds. I would be surprised if he is completely different with others and is generous. It’s hard to imagine that someone who barely  pays for dates and venmoed for lettuce is a super generous person in other settings. But yes, we don’t know.

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