Boyfriend is stingy with money and I don’t know how to feel about if?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 121
Member
2813 posts
Sugar bee

weddingmaven :  I️ completely agree. Some things are not teachable. You either have it in you or you don’t. 

Post # 122
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

When husband and I started dating he was the one who didn’t have as much money as me, but being from the south he insisted on paying for everything and I had more money than him insisted on paying half.  Soon I had enough of him being so irresponsible with money and asked him why he felt compelled to pay for 100% of everything all the time and he thought I was struggling with finances because I never bought anything new.  I just told him I was raised to be extremely fiscally responsible which a lot of people translate into “stingy”.  Years later we are both set in our careers, we are attorneys, make extremely good money combined, still have seperate accounts for certain things and still never buy new things.  I drive a 2010 Avenger, him a 2008 Ford F-150. I shop primarily at the Goodwill, and there is nothing wrong with that.  I do not need someone buying me stuff to show they care.  I do not need to buy people stuff to show I care.  

I cannot even process the “Women invest so much time into looking good for a date, we should get the meal bought for us”.  Are you kidding me right now?  That is incredibly degrading for a woman.  

We do however live by the “never show up empty handed” mantra.  Whenever we go somewhere we always have a gift for the host.  

I think OP’s boyfriend is just being fiscally responsible like I was and yes she is struggling right now, but I am sorry if husband was struggling when we were dating we just wouldn’t go out.  It wasn’t my responsiblity to pay for everything or give him stuff just because I had more money.  

Now we are both of the mentality that we work hard for what we have and if and when we do need to buy a new vehicle we have enough money in the bank to pay for it in cash and stay out of debt.  We work hard and what we have is hard earned.  It is ours and no way in hell am just going to give it away.  

Post # 123
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

This would bug me, and make me wonder what he would be like if we got married. I think the more important question here you need to ask is how he handles money, what his spending habits and style is with money. You need to know if you two have compatable spending styles because this is the number 1 thing married people fight about and divorce over is money. My mom always emphasized to me that I wanted to be with someone who had similar spending habits as me. 

My dad is really responsible with money and hates to spend it. He isn’t cheep though. If he has to buy something he does his research and gets the good quality at best price. He is that kind of a spender. My mom is a stay at home mom and so essentially she would spend his money on play tickets, symphony tickets, clothes for herself etc. she didn’t over spend and the tickets she bought were for the family etc. But she did tell me they had to adjust and my dad doesn’t love that she spends more money than he would but he accepts it. 

Don’t harp on your boyfriend with specifics about the things he does that are stingy right now. But you should ask him what kind of a spender he is, what kinds of things he would spend money on vs. what he would be upset spending money on. Ask him if he was married what would bother him if his wife spent money on etc. YOu just need to figure out if your spending habits are compatible. 

Post # 124
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

 All I can say is that I have dated both the stingy guy you describe and a super generous guy who is TERRIBLE with money (i.e. makes a ton of money, but SPENDS a ton of money without regard, including on me).  It’s hard to say which is worse.  The guy who spends a ton of money would buy me lavish gifts and always picks up the tab, but then I found out he had $30k in credit card debt and no retirement savings despite making $250k a year. And he doesn’t even have an expensive house or kids or any real expenses. WTF? It is pretty much a deal breaker because I don’t want to always worry about my financial future.

If the stingy guy is ALWAYS stingy, not just with you, I’d try to look at the positives, namely that you are with a man who is financially responsible. He spends money on everyone else and himself, but NOT you, that would be a different story.

That said, I still think that you could find a middle ground, and maybe agree to have a couple date nights he pays for every month. Also, I think it would be good to communicate where you  are coming from, as far as working, being in school, paying for your own stuff. It doesn’t have to be an attack on HIM, it could just be an explanation about why it’s hard for you to go 50-50 on expensive things sometimes, but you would like to still do them every now and then .

Post # 125
Member
11986 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I have to believe that whatever issues or mentality that would influence someone to behave like this won’t magically go away because one objects to the specific behavior. They might just be expressed in other ways. 

kittenlvr :  I wouldn’t get serious with someone on either extreme. Women should not have to settle because there is someone out there even worse. Rather, set the bar higher. 

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