Post # 1
So, for once I’m not posting about waiting frustrations. And maybe it’s for the better that I’m not engaged.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 4 years, almost 2 of those years have been LDR and at least 2 more of those years will continue to be LDR (schooling). He works like 80hrs a week, including Saturdays and gets home with just enough energy to eat and crawl into his bed. So he doesn’t get out much. On St. Patty’s day, he felt bummed that he didn’t have any plans, so he went to a party his ex-gf was throwing, but she’s not the problem. The party turned out to be kind of a drag and he ended up at a nearby bar, by himself. He started talking to some random girl and after ~15mins of talking, she kissed him. He admitted that he reciprocated initially, but then pulled away, said he couldn’t do that, and went home soon thereafter.
That happened Saturday night and he told me this morning (Monday). He said he was too scared to tell me on Sunday and he didn’t know what to say to me. He spent all Sunday trying to figure out what to say and didn’t sleep a wink Sunday night because of the guilt. Which led to him confessing this morning.
He is SO repentant. He cried to me this morning about how it’s not what he wanted and that he was sorry. I asked if being away from me made him THAT lonely and if he wanted to pursue other people, he said that he did not want to pursure other people. All day he speaks of guilt for betraying me and letting me/himself down. I tried to probe him to see if he was looking for a way out of the relationship, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
I don’t know what to do. We’ve been dating for 4 years and I really thought I was going to marry him. I thought that he would for sure be in my future as my husband. Now I don’t know what to think. I always told him (somewhat jokingly) “If you touch any girls, I will end you. In every sense of the word…I will end you”. So he knows I don’t take this lightly. But i don’t want to throw away everything we had…but I’m so intensely hurt by what he did. And since we’re apart, I can’t keep tabs on him or anything. Are we making too big of a deal out of this?
I’m not really looking for encouragement to kick his butt to the curb, but I don’t know how I should handle this.
Post # 3
It’s totally up to you what you do in this situation, but if it were me, I would forgive and move on. You want to end your relationship because of a kiss that he did not initiate and pulled away from when he was drinking alone at a bar on St. Patrick’s day? The girl was probably very drunk (I’m assuming since she kissed him after 15 minutes). I would be upset and would let him know in no uncertain terms that cheating is unacceptable and if it happens again, then there won’t be anymore forgiving, but I wouldn’t end things over this incident alone.
Post # 4
It’s bad he did that but it’s good he told you. It sounds like he really is repentant and sorry for what he did.
Would he be willing to do some counsling sessions to show he’s trying to figure out *why* he reciprocated initially and what it is he might be missing that caused him to be in this situation.
Would he be willing to do some sort of long distance couple’s counseling? So you can see how serious about the relationship he really is and to help you trust him again.
Post # 5
Honestly, I don’t think it’s something to end your relationship over. If she really did kiss him and he pulled away, you can’t really blame him. If he was drunk and and kissed back, i’m sure he didn’t mean to. By the sound of how guilty he felt and that he was honest, just forgive the guy and move on.
Post # 7
I say forgive and move on TO SOMEONE ELSE. When you know, you “know” sweetie and there’s no room for stuff like this. You don’t want to be married to him and have him tell you (his WIFE) that he kissed a girl at work or something. I’m sure your bf is a nice guy but you deserve an AMAZING guy, one that you never thought you’d find. Is what he did forgivable- maybe to some people. But are you worth MORE than what he did- DEFINITELY.
Post # 8
Well, he has a few things going for him. He fessed up. He could very easily have not said anything to you but he decided he needed to tell you. It sounds as if he’s never really given you a reason to doubt that he is being trustworthy with you and he moved away from the kiss.
Moral of the Story: Booze and girls never mix well. Let this be a lesson to him, forgive and move on.
Post # 9
I find it a bit weirder that he went to a bar alone than the fact that he didn’t pull away right away when someone kissed him. Also, it seems like it would be rare to me to just randomly kiss someone if there wasn’t some sort of flirty conversation going on.
I probably would give him another chance based just off of the kiss, but I might want to have a serious talk about putting himself into bad situations like that.
Post # 10
@Mewcakes: I hate that I’m writing this online, but I want to encourage you. I went through something similar, where he kissed a girl he had no feelings for, and I remember how angry I was. It was a long time ago, and we are still together and even married now.
Talk to him about it as often or as weirdly as you feel you need to. Give him a good old angry cry. I hope it gets easier for you. Time does make this sort of thing better.
Post # 11
@Boston Bee: Totally agree with what you said.
Post # 12
Forgive perhaps, but do not in any way let him think that it was “ok”. There have to be some kind of consequences for his behavior, otherwise he might not feel so sorry if the opportunity crept up next time.
I think you ought to seek a counselor’s advice as well if you fully intend to forgive him. It’s going to hurt, and your trust has obviously been compromised to a degree, so a counselor’s advice can help you to navagate how to let it go in a healthy way, rather than let it fester and limit your relationship in the future. It’s easy to let that happen.
Post # 14
We’re talking one kiss here. I can’t tell you what YOU should do, but if it were my boyfriend/fiance/husband, I’d say you screwed up, don’t do it again, I forgive you. It sounds like he’s sorry enough and to me, one mistake this minor (in the grand scheme of things, it really is) isn’t worth throwing away something good.
I would talk with him about how/why it happened and things he can do in the future to prevent it from happening. He may have been having a somewhat inappropriate conversation or said some things to lead this girl on/boost his ego, not thinking it would go that far. Sometimes it’s just a manner of learning how better to conduct youself with members of the opposite sex when in a serious relationship.
Post # 15
Because you can’t keep tabs, will you ever really trust him? or every time you can’t get a hold of him will you wonder if he’s with someone else? Trust is tricky and you need to decide if staying will have a negative effect on your well being.
Post # 16
Well….I have an ex from a few years back who told me all tearful that he “kissed a girl” and swore that was all that happened…but I found out later he slept with her…multiple times on different occasions when he finally came clean. As long as you are SURE a kiss was all that took place then maybe forgive him…would be hard for me though!