Post # 31
I thought I was clear to him about the timeline being important –we had SO many discussions about this before moving in. But I am also generally pretty easy going and I didn’t want to badger him, so I haven’t been constantly bringing engagement/the timeline up. When this whole conversation happened last night, he seemed genuinely surprised that I was upset.
He seemed apologetic for the misunderstanding but he thought it should have been obvious that he wasn’t ready because he hadn’t actually proposed, no matter what he said over the year or the original timeline we agreed on. He acknowledged how that could have been confusing for me, but he still just doesn’t understand why I’m sad/disappointed/angry.
Post # 32
So if you were clear about a year in all those discussions prior to moving in, he seems pretty nonchalant about changing the length of time without discussing it with you. Maybe if a year doesn’t really mean a year to him, he should have said that up front, or at least brought it up and talked to you about it sometime during that year.
Post # 33
I think there’s a margin of error with timelines given they’re forecasts of emotion. There’s sort of an implied “or so” to me, as in “in a year or so”. It’s not clear that he understood their original talk to mean 1 year exactly.
We are a few months past a year. Not clear how many that is. 2 months? 4? 6? 8? I don’t see something like 3 months past 1 year as being a big deal. But it sounds like he has told her that it’s imminent. If that statement bears out and he proposes by the end of 2017 then I don’t see the issue. If he comes up with another excuse, though, then I see the issue.
Post # 34
Knowing that you want to marry someone someday (even if it’s within a year or two, it’s still someday) and actually being ready to propose in the immediate future are two different things.
I can know that I want to marry my partner eventually without necessarily being ready to do it very soon.
It sounds like now your boyfriend is actually ready to do it.
Post # 35
Maybe he thought he would have been ready to propose in a year, he wasn’t. He is now and you both are on the same page.
Post # 36
It’s been about 6 months, which isn’t a huge deal. I don’t really care much at all about blowing the timeline. I just wish he had been more upfront, and now I worry that we have a major communication problem — with him feeling like he should just tell me what I want to hear/what’s easiest. It’s just really disorienting because I’ve never doubted a word he’s said until now.
Post # 37
Yes, but if it was an honest margin of error, why cuoldn’t he have come to her about it and have an adult discussion? Why did he leave her dangling until the timeline had passed and then the onus was still on her to suss out where his head was. I’d absolutely be okay with an honest, sincere guy needing a few more months for a valid reason, being the one to come to OP before the timeline had passed. But now he says:
“he thought it should have been obvious that he wasn’t ready because he hadn’t actually proposed”
That line pisses me off so much on OP’s behalf TBH….. well yeah, you should know I didn’t intend on keeping my promise since it was obvious I didn’t keep my promise.
And keep in mind, HE talked HER into living together without engagement by giving her his word- in several persuasive conversations- that they would be engaged in under a year. And now he’s taking an ‘oh yeah, that….umm, well I didn’t do it so you should know I’m not ready still’ So he conned OP into getting his way with sweet talk and empty promises and now he’s acting perplexed that she actually expects him to honour his promise. Honestly, this is dealbreaker territory. It’s not about a ring, it’s about spending your life with someone you can’t trust to keep his word or take responsibility for his actions (or in this case inaction).
Post # 38
Unless there is an actual measurable obstacle like finances holding someone back, and if you’re over 25 or so, I don’t agree that there should really be a distinction between “I know I want to marry you” and “I’m ready to marry you.”
If there’s not an obstacle in place and instead the person is waiting to see how they’ll feel in the future, or make sure everyone’s parents get along or whatever other boxes they feel need to be ticked, then they didn’t really mean “I know I want to marry you,” they meant “I feel fairly confident I want to marry you but I’m not actually sure yet and will need some more time to figure out whether I actually want to make this commitment for real.”
I think part of what OP resents is feeling like there’s still been a trial period all this time that they’ve lived together when she moved in with the assumption that it was a concrete next step toward marriage. They’ve been on seriously different pages about everything and she feels more invested in the relationship. The fact that he’s finally come around and decided he’s “really ready” now when she’s been ready and waiting for a year and a half is rather galling.
Post # 39
Some commenters don’t see a problem here, but I do. It sounds like, from what you are saying in your post, that he basically tried to get you to move in with him and stay close to him by dangling engagement over your head. I don’t think anyone should make a major decision based on their relationship and it sounds like you had to make a change in your job choices to be closer to him. There isn’t enough information on his side of the story though. Did you two work this out together as you were 100% sure you wanted a long-term commitment? Did you weigh the pros and cons of your decisions?
Post # 40
if i wanted to marry the guy i would just accept the engagement invitation and be happy. There are some other options also:you can decline, move out and find a better guy, or accept but argue a lot about the invitation being late.
Post # 41
We return to our Big Book of Lame Ass Excuses, flip through the pages—do you recall if we’ve heard this one before or do we actually get to give out a few originality points?
We will have to deduct most of them right back for sheer lameness of the excuse.
He can’t marry the OP until he’s certain that both families ‘get along’? WTH? The families live in different states, for gawds sake. And so what if they didn’t? So what if they hated each other? What if they pitched ashtrays at each other’s heads on Thanksgiving? He wouldn’t be able to marry the OP? More than a bit juvenile.
At least he’s not insisting that it will take two years to plan a proposal. True story.
Post # 42
I guess the thing is I just don’t think there ever really is a promise of marrying someone until someone has actually proposed. That’s what the proposal is. How does one promise to make a promise? I generally think it’s poor form for someone to give a firm timeline unless the holdup is something like, I am hoping to buy the ring during a trip overseas in 3 months.
I agree, though, that it’s problematic that he made this promise in order to get her to move in with him. I underweighted that in my first read through. Considering she made a decision contingent on his proposing within a year, it should have been on him to bring it up when he couldn’t fulfill that contingency.
Post # 43
I definitely think that there is a difference between wanting to get married and being ready to get married, and he may not have realized that there was a difference when he originally said that he was ready. I’ve known for years that I want to marry my boyfriend, but I wasn’t actually READY to marry him until about a year ago. The moment that I knew I was ready was after a 45 minute conversation about politics–all of a sudden, something in me shifted and I knew that I was ready to take steps toward legally binding myself to this person and making him my partner in life for the rest of my life. Your boyfriend may have just had this same moment, where he always knew that at some point he wanted to propose to you and after seeing your families together he had that “a-ha” moment and now he feels fully ready to make good on his promises.
I will say that it seems a bit off to me that seeing your families get along was the final piece of the puzzle, because that really has nothing to do with the two of you or your relationship. Unless he is extremely family-oriented and needs that final piece of validation before proposing to you, which very well may be the case.
I would definitely say that you have every right to express your feelings to him so that he understands your thought process and how you’re feeling, especially if you’re feeling like he manipulated you into living with him under false pretenses because that’s no way to go into what should be a happy time in your relationship. But try to give him the opportunity to express all of his thoughts and feelings before shutting down out of hurt, because that will just end up hurting both of you in the end.
Post # 44
+1 on what Lifetimegoals and littlebuzz said.
I think he was being sincere when he moved in with you, there are a lot of people who move in together with an idea of spending the rest of their life with that person – but just need the actual real life experiences/ proof to solidify that notion.
How good is your relationship? Is there any reason to doubt he doesn’t want to marry you? Is he happy? are you? Do you argue a lot? (don’t answer here, just reflect on your own time)
If things are going well, Sit down again with him, and walk him through how important this is to you.