Boyfriend lied about something minor – how do I get over it?

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

amanda1988 :  Agreed…it’s the panicked deleting of photos the next day that seals the deal for me. Like, way to take the nuclear option over something that’s allegedly NBD. In the best case scenario, he’s someone who would rather lie than deal with minor awkwardness/tension (which points to him being cowardly, dishonest, and selfish)….in the worst case he has something more sinister than a casual bday party to hide. Either way I’d have a really hard time getting past this with a boyfriend. It would always be in the back of my mind going forward and would just make me not trust him in general. I think you should move on from this guy; he’s got some growng up to do in the best case.

Post # 18
Member
1300 posts
Bumble bee

mmm…no thanks.

best case scenario: it was a totally innocent party. he decides he’d rather be there for a couple hours than have dinner with you. he doesn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth and have the conversation with you, because it is easier to lie.

Post # 19
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

anonbee9893 :  “The only thing that comes to mind is that every time we have an argument (and the ones we had so far weren’t serious or big at all) he goes into panic mode and thinks I’m breaking up with him.”

Again, this is the best case scenario and it’s still not a good one. By going into panic mode anytmie the slightest issue is raised in the relationship, it makes healthy communication nearly impossible. It also shows, again, that he’s someone who would rather lie to make things slightly easier for himself than be honest if he had to choose between the two. Honestly, he may not be doing it deliberatley, but it’s also a manipulative tactic. By turning any issue you have into “OMG YOU’RE GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME” – it prevents resolution of the actual issue and instead turns the spotlight onto him and his needs.

This is a relationship of 6 months, so I think you should walk. But if you’re not ready to do that then you at least need to have a come to jesus talk with him. Explain that it’s not the original mistake (i.e. going to this party and staying out late) that is a problem – it’s his dishonesty about what really went down. Tell him that you’ve noticed this is a pattern in the relationship and it’s not something you’re going to tolerate any longer. 

Post # 20
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Is he just going to do what he wants and then lie about it to avoid upsetting you? A birthday cake might not be a huge deal now but this behavior is a red flag. 

Post # 21
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Yeah I think there is way more to this story than he’s telling you.  If he won’t fully cop to why he felt the need to lie and delete pics I’d be done.  You deserve better.

Post # 22
Member
2477 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Everything everyone said, and I think it’s funny that instead of you admitting you were trying to snoop to find something you have this explanation of your cup and then needing to have it edited because he has good filters. I’m laughing at that fact because who is that serious over a picture of a cup? It definitely shows you already had suspicion about him and didn’t trust him so you snooped first instead of asking him. This relationship is a no go on both of your parts. 

Post # 24
Member
6606 posts
Bee Keeper

So obviously the lying is really shitty and makes no sense, but why would he jump to ‘omg I don’t want to lose you I’ll do anythig’ Over something so minor? Honestly that makes it seem like something more happened and he’s overcompensating. If you’ve only been with him 6 months I’d cut him loose. No time for that shit girl.

Post # 25
Member
10695 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

anonbee9893 :  

Lying to avoid an unpleasant reaction from you is a very bad precedent to set.

Imagine a lifetime of that.

Post # 26
Member
8832 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

anonbee9893 :  I don’t believe that it was an impromptu thing. I think a party was the plan the whole time, but regardless — either way, he lied. This isn’t minor. He lied and then tried to destroy evidence. If you hadn’t already seen the photos, you would have never known about this. Who knows what else he’s gotten away with, or what he will lie about and hide in the future. Half a year is nothing. Do you want to live the next 20, 30, 50 years wondering if what your partner is telling you is true? I wouldn’t. He has shown that he would rather look you in the eye and lie, than have a potentially unpleasant conversation. That’s called cowardice and lack of integrity. It also means that he doesn’t respect you. If he respected you, he would want you to have all the relevent info to make decisions about your life. Instead, he selfishly decided that he wants his cake and eat it too, and since you’re too dumb to figure it out, he’ll just lie. No thanks. Dump.

Post # 28
Member
2487 posts
Buzzing bee

Sometimes I ask this to be snarky but in your situation my question is genuine- how old are you both?

Some of the things each of you did seem to be a reflection of a pretty unsophisticated ability to respond to disagreement, misunderstanding, and conflict.

You are BOTH apparently “overreacting” it seems to me. If he were confident and secure in your relationship, he would not have needed to change stories about so many things about what he’d done and what had happened during the birthday party hours. If he were not defensive about what he was doing he wouldn’t have had to delete the photos on his phone.

You have described yourself as participating in a “perfect” relationship, but mature relationships are rarely held to the standard of perfection in real life. Instead of attempting to come up with what actually happened, or listening to him, you cried.

Now you are heartbroken/devestated and he is afraid of your reaction and didn’t want to upset you and was afraid of how you’d react without owning what he thought you’d be reacting TO.

Considering both perspectives, do you know what you want now? What does HE want? Will both of you benefit from honestly hashing this out, or do you both need a break and some time? Is there a resolution that can work for both of you??

Think this through. Decide where you want to be, and what you want from him. If nothing farther, walk away having learned something valuable from the time you spent with him.

Post # 29
Member
4838 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

arosebyanyothername :  exactly. This isn’t a minor lie and the fact that he ran to the bathroom to delete pictures is an even bigger red flag. I’d be done with the relationship. He’s always worried you’re going to dump him?? Probably because he knows he’s SHADY!

 

 

Post # 30
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

You know him and we don’t. So, only you know if their is more to this story or not. However, all he had to tell you from the beginning is that he is going to a party with friends. Period! When you start deleting stuff. you are lying and hiding. I don’t like that at all. Come to me straight. Don’t BS me…I would bot say that he was cheating but who knows? Are you able to still trust him?

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