Boyfriend lied about something minor – how do I get over it?

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
749 posts
Busy bee

I read this to my Fiance and he agreed that this is a major warning sign for a much bigger issue. And as it has only been a short term relationship, I would cut it off now to spare the heartache. 

Post # 32
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

sounds to me like he was invited to a girl’s birthday party but you weren’t…..

Post # 33
Member
1372 posts
Bumble bee

Why did you cry when he got home late? Because you were hungry? Because he missed dinner? Because he was late? Because you suspected him of something? 

Post # 34
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

I’d be pissed AF on several counts here. 

First and foremost I absolutely HATE it when people try to turn someone’s perceived reaction as the reason for the lie. “I knew you’d be mad/upset/jealous/insecure/worried/questioning me” etc, as though the lie was necessitated by the unreasonableness of the other person. This is a form of gaslighting IMO, as in I couldn’t come to you with the truth because…well, you know the way you are….  Fuck that shit totally. 

And also, I don’t like being treated like I’m an idiot. Taking your phone into the bathroom to delete pictures?!? What is this, 10th grade? His none-too-subtle bathroom dash is an insult to your intelligence and also highly indicative that he didn’t come clean to you on the full story. You already knew he was at a birthday party, what’s with the mad-dash to the toilet to destroy evidence? 

If there’s already bullshit like this 6 months in, I think I’d be done. If you don’t end up breaking it off with him, as a few others have already suggested, I’d have a no-bullshit-allowed conversation about this and let him know that for someone who seems afraid of breaking up, his behaviour is going to accomplish this and a repeat offense will guarantee it. 

Post # 35
Member
3710 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Actually I revise my previous comment to reflect everything RobbieAndJuliahaha said, because frankly, she’s brilliant. I gave my guy a second chance in a similar case, but he fessed up right away and didn’t try to hide it or make lame excuses to justify his lie. That’s shady AF and I’d definitely consider ending it because I’m not interested in wasting my time with another loser who lies to me.

Post # 36
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

Hard to say since it could be anything. My first instinct was that he has had previously bad experience in being honest and some e (you, ex, someone close to him) has reacted badly to spending time with opposite sex/going to party etc. And now his reaction is to avoid conflict by hiding  the truth. But this in turn makes it into a bigger conflict.

Post # 37
Member
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Charliejeorge :  I also gave my now-husband a second chance when he lied about something and I’m glad I did but a) we had been together for about two years at the time b) he was remorseful and contrite c) he folded quickly and didn’t continue to lie d) he absolutely understood why it was a big deal to me and didn’t expect me to get over it immediately. 

Post # 38
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

What i dont understand in all this is why was he taking a bunch of photos in the I place? He was at a friends house when two others appeared with cake. He stayed forsome cake and he came home. Why the need for a load of pics? Does he normally take photos of everything he does?

 

Was it a coincidence that on a friday night just after her birthday she had invited your boyfriend over for work. While at the same time 2 other men just decided to surprise her with a cake/party?

Post # 39
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

There is nothing worse than someone that is supposed to love and respect you, looking you in the eye and lying with with no effort or remorse.  You have to ask yourself if you will be able to trust him whenever any type of conflict arises. You know he apparently has no issues with lying straight to your face. Will you be able to believe anything he says, or will you wonder if he is being truthful? 

Post # 40
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee

Is this the first time he lied to you (that you know of)?

I dated a guy before for 6 months and he used to tell minor lies on things that there’s absolutely no reason to lie. He also used to regularly call himself a “straight shooter” and a “good guy” and “honest”. We didn’t break up over any of the lies but I did realise that he just had low character / moral values. And anyone who verbally announced themselves to have some virtuous character was likely the complete opposite. Like, I’ve never heard real good guys and honest guys announce themselves as such, they just are and they don’t even think about it you know?

Anyway one of the lies he told early on, like a month in, was that he asked if I wanted to meet his best friend on a day out to the theme park with her (the best friend) and her fiancé. I thought about it and said I felt it was too early in the relationship to meet friends. We had only been on 4-5 dates and also he was pushing things to go 100 miles an hour, so I wanted to just pump the brakes and take time to get to know each other. 

Anyway he said his friend doesn’t even know we’re dating, it can just be like a friendly day out and we don’t have to tell them we’re dating. I still said no not yet. Then a day or so later we were talking about his friend just casually, and he let slip that she did actually know that we’re dating all along. So I immediately went, hang on, you just told me a day ago that she didn’t know. He admitted he lied. He didn’t think it was a big deal. And I said… so you really just lied to get me to agree to meet up with her and her fiancé. He also admitted to that. He could see I was shaken by this. And I said it made me think he would lie just to get anything he wants. He admitted he f’ed up and asked for another chance and repeated again that he’s a good guy and this is not like him (it’s actually very much like him once I got to know him more).

This should’ve been a big red flag for me to just break up and not waste anymore of my time with him. I did recognise it as a red flag and I know I have good judgement, I just didn’t act on it because emotions got in the way. I broke up with him for good about 6 months into dating over something else, but in hindsight that should’ve been enough to make the call straight away and not waste time. 

Watch out when someone lies over something when there’s no reason to lie, they’re shady.

Post # 41
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

This is really weird. His reason for lying is because he was scared you’d get mad? What a pussy. Also, not good enough. Childhood should have taught him that. I wonder if he kissed her, or if they’ve been flirty for a while and he knows it’s wrong.

Post # 42
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee

My immediate thought was he was invited to the party but didn’t want to tell you because of previous bad reactions….I mean, why were you crying when he came home? That’s an extreme reaction for missing dinner time. Plus you are going over the top in justifying your snooping on his phone. Either way there is a total lack of trust and maturity in your relationship.

Post # 43
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

fran01 :  low blood-sugar, feeling left out, dismissed, and disappointed? That’s a combination that makes me cry.

Post # 44
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

anonbee9893 :  Hey, I think it is a major red flag but I would try to remain calm. If you really love him, I would reflect first. Think have their been other red flags you’ve missed. 

As far as this particular incident, I would try to find out more informatiion. Do you know these people? If you don’t, then why not meet them and see how that goes. 

I am a bit perplexed by why he left in the evening/ sounds last minute. Did he really go to speak about work or did he know about this birthday celebration?

His integrity is in question because:

1. He lied about why he was late

2. He didn’t text as you both are accustom to. 

3. You both had made plans… so where are his priorities?

4. Next day, didn’t tell you yet again

5. Deletes the pictures!!! Is major!!! Because he was covering it up

Post # 45
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee

Even if this was all completely innocent, the lying is definitely concerning.  Sometimes it’s very hard to tell the truth, I get that.  You either don’t want to get in trouble, or you don’t want to hurt someone.  But this was a situation where it was easy for him to tell the truth – “oh, it’s so and so’s birthday, so we’re having cake so I’ll be home late” – and yet he still lied.  If he lies when it’s easy to tell the truth, what’s he going to do when it’s hard?

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