(Closed) Boyfriend not invited

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I honeslty think she did what was easier, not what was right.  If she really wanted it to be about her day, she should have told mr. psycho groomsmen to get over it and suck it up. I think she knew you would be there no matter what, and so she took the easy way out.  In  my opinion, if you give someone a plus one on their invite, you don’t really get to control who they bring. Just my thoughts…

Post # 4
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

I hate to say this, but I don’t think there is anything you can do. I’m sorry this is a crummy situation 🙁

Its her wedding, you stated your concerns, and she in turn stuck to her guns. I am sorry for your distress and it can be frustrating, but it is her big day and this is how she is choosing to handle it. When its yours you can handle it how you choose. You can’t ask her to sacrifice her comfort when she is the bride for your bf’s comfort no matter how much you may want to. How long have you been with your bf?

Post # 5
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I kind of agree with @sweetpea1031. It’s unfortunate for you but the reality is, she’s not obligated to invite your boyfriend and did what was going to cause less stress overall. Sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 6
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

is he really crushed? i mean, there’s plenty wrong in this situation, as i see it. 1st, the ex is a psycho and shouldn’t make it about himself anyway. 2nd, you shouldn’t have brought it up at her bridal shower. 3rd, it may be in bad taste not to invite him but it’s for the unity of THEIR wedding. it sucks that she’s freaking out on you but if you want to stay friends, i’d suck it up too and go stag. guys in general aren’t like OMG A WEDDING!!! so i think he’ll get over it and he just needs to understand that they’re trying NOT to make a scene and let the day be about them. so… yeah. it sucks but i’d just go with it.

Post # 7
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I totally agree with @elliestan . I’ve never met a man who would be “crushed” about not getting to go to a wedding. And In all honesty, your friend is probably under enough stress as it is. It’s a bummer that your Boyfriend or Best Friend wasn’t invited, but it sounds like in the end it was probably the right decision for the bride to make! Hopefully none of your other friends have “Crazy Ex BF” groomsmen and you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend can go to all future weddings together! 🙂

 

Post # 8
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Your friend handled this situation very, very badly.  As soon as the psycho groomsman made a threat not to come if a girl he wasn’t seeing bought a date, the bridal couple should have responded that they’d miss him and move on.  He was wrong to put them in that position, and they were wrong and in breech of etiquette to decide not to invite your boyfriend.  I don’t have any advice here really, I think you’re being a very good friend but do know you are most certainly NOT in the wrong here. 

Post # 9
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

I hate to cause more issues, but if I found out that I was not being invited to a wedding because one of fiance’s ex’s was being psycho, I would be pretty upset and probably not want him there either.  I could not blame your bf for being upset about you being there.

Post # 10
Member
6 posts
Newbee

So, Im the Boyfriend or Best Friend.  Let’s first put this in to perspective.  This is not a typical 5-6 hour wedding or even an event where the bridesmaid needs to be there for the whole day.  Its a weekend (Friday- Sunday) wedding, where the bridal party is basically required to stay in a secluded manor where the wedding is being held.  There are approximately 12 people in the party (includung the ex) and this manor is in an intimate setting.  Hence my issue.  Some of you are correct. I could honestly care less about the attending the actual wedding.  Im a guy.  I would much rather spend the afternoon watching football!  However, I do have an issue with my SO being away for two days without me, especially with a psycho ex that made it clear not too long ago, that he wishes to have her back and would stop at nothing to do so. Furthermore, he will be sleeping in the next room. The bride and groom are well aware of this situation and as one reply stated – took the easy way out. Im upset for the reasons I just stated and for the disrespect shown to my Girlfriend.  With all of that said, I encouraged her, for the sake of her friendship with the bride, to attend the full function and fulfill her bridesmaid duties with out me.  My Girlfriend would never dream of threatening the couple not to come if he showed up and the fact that he did and they didnt react appropriately is an insult to us.  Yes, it has caused stress between the two of us and Im flat out pissed.  We will get through this but it leaves a bad taste in our mouths.  I guess we were looking for some validation.  The bride has not been understanding and even though its her day, has taken her selfishness to a different level. More than just this issue.

Post # 11
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

 

@The Boyfriend or Best Friend: I understand that this situation sucks and it shouldn’t be this way but I am glad that your Girlfriend is going to go and fulfil her duties. Hopefully you trust your Girlfriend and know that she will not put herself in a situation where ‘psycho ex’ will be a problem.

To OP: It does seem like the easy way out for the bride; however, I am sure this situation is bothering her a lot more than you think. Planning a wedding is stressful so I would just let it go and be the best Bridesmaid or Best Man you can be for her. Avoiding ‘psycho ex’ as much as possible

Post # 12
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

This situation was handled really poorly, and I don’t blame you for being upset. In my opinion, if a couple lives together, you invite them both to your wedding, period. As PP have stated, if it’s “her day” or “their day” then they shouldn’t be pushed around by a groomsman into behaving so rudely.

I did go through something similar (though not to this extreme) with my fiance last month. He was a groomsman, and his ex was a bridesmaid. I was invited to the wedding, but not the rehearsal dinner. Now, before everyone goes off on me, I know you don’t absolutely have to invite SOs of the bridal party to the rehearsal dinner. But she has never really gotten over him and was pretty upset to find out that we were engaged – we have mutual friends, so we hear about this kind of thing. Needless to say, I was uncomfortable. Not because I don’t trust my fiance, but because it’s just an awkward situation.

So I definitely see where you are coming from. There’s nothing you can do, unfortunately, except avoid avoid avoid the ex and just get through the weekend. But you do have support here!

Post # 13
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@The Boyfriend or Best Friend: THe ex Boyfriend or Best Friend should not matter in the least. If you truly trust your girlfriend, that is all that matters. Every man on earch could “want her back”, and it wouldn’t matter if she is truly committed to you! I think you need to take a step back and reevaluate any jealousy you have in this case. It is probably unfounded. And if it isn’t, you should reevaluate why you are in the relationship. Let your girlfriend have a good time and celebrate a good friend’s marriage!

Post # 14
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Boyfriend – didn’t your girlfriend say the bride DID ultimatley invite you?  If so, then by all means GO.  Problem solved. 

I think the bride is being incredibly selfish here and “her day” doesn’t justify being rude to anyone.  I’m sure that if she were excluded from an invitation to her husband because HIS ex-girlfriend didn’t want HER there she would understand very quickly what the problem is.

I think your Girlfriend would be well within her rights to step down as bridesmaid under these circumstances.  If the bridal couple want to be held hostage by the psycho ex and his threats – so be it but she is under no obligation to do so, particularly if it creates a rift between the two of you. 

Good luck and keep us posted!

Post # 15
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@crayfish: with all due respect, I couldn’t disagree with you more.  This isn’t about trust or jealousy – its about disrespecting this couple’s relationship and putting the OP in an incredibly awkward and unfair position. 

There is no way I would be cool with my fiance’ or I attending an event at which one of us was excluded because of some ex’s issues. 

Post # 16
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@lisa105: I second your opinion. Its not trust thats the issue… its how the situation was handled.

I just think it was a total sucky way to handle it on the brides part. Even if wedding planning IS stressful, there is no way to JUSTIFY treating friends like that or be rude to someone just cause its the brides day. There is a diplomatic way for it! Would you want to be friends with someone who is a total b!tch? just cause its her wedding day?  and trade that off as an excuse for the actions? Friends should be treating each other kindly and treating each person with respect by there actions.

OP she totally dissed you. The tough part is how you react. I would take the onwards and upwards go…. keep your distance from physco ex, tell one of the BMs to keep him away from you and mention to the bride that you wouldnt want to be alone in the same room as him and could she please be a friend and keep that peace.

To the Boyfriend or Best Friend.. if your so worried, go travel with her and make a guys weekend of it.. bring a friend along.. dont go to the wedding but your on hand if she needs you. 🙂 or gets put in a sticky situation. And that way, if it does get too much… she can pack her bags and leave with you.

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