- 3 years ago
I’m going to write this message and try and keep it as concise as possible.. though the story is very long. I’m genuinely distraught and searching for answers in the hope for some kind of objective opinion (please be kind!).
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He is French from the south of France and I’m a London girl. We met on holiday 4 years ago and did long distance for a year until we decided we couldn’t be apart any longer. It was a very passionate, you’re THE ONE kind of love. We were totally head over heels in love. Him moving to London wasn’t an option because he has a daughter who was only 6 at the time and he also plays professional rugby. I had just finished university (being 21 at the time) and I was working in media in the city.. so we decided I would look for a job in his city in France, improve my French and move to be with him.
I got a good job there in media and moved- we were SO happy. I’ve never been so happy in my life for the first year and half. But after a while, I started to miss the buzz of my life in London, my friends (who are like sisters to me), my family, my mum (who is my best friend) and all of my support network. In the evenings he couldn’t really go out socializing with me because he has rugby training, and the evenings he didn’t have rugby training he would have his daughter. I did have good friends there from work and joined some sports clubs, but I found the culture there to be a lot less sociable than I was used to.
Some evenings I would find myself cooking dinner for him his daughter… then during some weekends I would find I would be spending my weekends doing things I don’t really want to do like go to children’s parks to please his daughter because it was the only quality time I would get with him..
I started to realize how much I had sacrificed to be with him at such a young age. I knew that my job was good, but I knew that in London my career prospects were so much higher and I was being headhunted for jobs 5 times my salary in exciting media agencies.. and I had this burning ambition inside of me to go and achieve more, but because I adore him so much I was turning this all down because I knew if I was to be with him, I had to be in France.
2 years down the line and I’m now 25 years old, he’s older than me (32 years old) and the topic of marriage came up. We went to my friend’s wedding last year who had the most amazing wedding, and I started to think about how in the future I would like to be married to him with children. When I mentioned it, he said that he doesn’t believe in marriage (this was a big shock to me, seeing as I said early on in our relationshp that I believed in marriage and he never told me he didn’t).
He has a huge amount of resentment built up for his ex girlfriend (the mother of his daughter) because he pays her child support while she doesn’t work much, yet he’s the one who provides for his daughter. He also said that he has heard lots of stories about his friends who have been screwed by their ex wifes with expensive divorces … and I can tell that he doesn’t want to be financially tied to another woman. I was really upset that I’m the one paying for the consequences and was devastated..
He also feels that because he lost both of his parents at a young age, he wants to make sure his daughter receives all of his inheritance (he genuinely believes he will die young because he has cancer in the family…….) we argued about it for months to the point where we decided we would just leave the topic.
6 months later, and we had been getting intimate a whole lot less, because I felt totally distanced from him. After all I’d given up to go to France and be with him – both personally and career-wise, I felt so disrespected and vulnerable. The arguments got a lot worse, and he became a lot more bullying towards me in his arguments to the point where I actually got offered a promotion at work – but for a job in the UK office – and I took it and told him that I wanted to focus on building on my career (it didn’t seem like a problem because the French office is in his city, so my management told me I could travel back every month for a few days and work in the office there… and also see him of course). I took it and we agreed that it would be great for our future – and I could transfer back to the French office one day.
I’m 2 months in to my role and life back in London, and he has become more and more irritated and upset. Last night, he called me and explained that he has been thinking and as much as he loves me, he’s been thinking about the fact that I want marriage and he doesn’t, and how he wants children soon but I want to wait a couple of years.. and that it’s all bothering him. He asked me WHY I want to get married and I explained that because he already has a daughter, I don’t want to be his second “baby mama”, I want the sentimantal proof that I’m special to him and that this time, children will be a real FAMILY with me. I also don’t feel comfortable giving up my life again in England to give him children and family without the reassurance and legal trust of marriage. I explained I also want the same name as my children.. to which he said that they could have MY name and he could keep his if I really wanted. He also said that getting married doesn’t make someone any less likely to leave if they are unhappy.
I explained to him that I don’t WANT separate surnames to our kids – that’s not my idea of a family. He just couldn’t see my point. He then went on to say that he wants to have more children in the next 2 years because both of his parents died young and so he wants to make the most of the time he has with his children.
But what about ME? What about what I want? I told him that I feel like he’s asking too much of me – to move back to France, leave my family and friends, lower my career standards and earnings, give him children – but not get married. And be left constantly worrying that maybe if one day things get tough, he’d leave? He then turned around and told ME that I’m asking too much of HIM!! (because I’d like to get married)
He felt that me wanting to get married because it’s “harder for him to leave that way ” is the wrong reason for me to want to get married…. but he just doesn’t get my point.
I’m at the point where I’m feeling so depressed and devastated that I don’t know how to go on or what to do. I didn’t think this would be a deal breaker for me, but I feel so vulnerable the thought of moving back to France – without my close support network – starting a family, with someone that yes, I do love, but who won’t give me the reassurance of marriage.
I told him last night that clearly, maybe we just have different values and want different things.. and that maybe we should go our separate ways. So he turned around and said ok well just know that this is YOUR decision. I want to be with you and have family with you but I don’t want marriage, so if you choose to leave me, that’s YOUR decision that you have to live with.
Someone please help. Has anyone been in this position?