Boyfriend of 4 years wants children with me… but not marriage

posted 3 years ago in Weddingbee
  • poll:
  • Post # 2
    373 posts
    Helper bee

    Say boy bye. If you’re not good enough to marry/commit to fully for life, then you’re not good enough to have his kids.

    Post # 3
    81 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    Tell him to go F*** himself. He wants you to be a baby mama and not a wife so when he wants to leave he can freely do so leaving you to struggle as a single mother. Get like Usain and run the hell out of this relationship. 

    Post # 4
    469 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    You two don’t want the same things. You can either leave him or stay and know that you won’t be getting married. He has a right to not want marriage, just as you have a right to want it. 

    Post # 5
    1385 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    Bee, I know you don’t want to hear this but it sounds like you guys want different things in life. You want marriage, he doesn’t, he wants to stay in France, you don’t, he wants kids soon, you want to can love someone and not want the same things. If that is the case it’s a matter of sacrificing what you want in order to make the other person happy. Honestly, he doesn’t sound that great to me based off what you said. It seems to be all about him and his child, and he seems unwilling to compromise on anything. I think you would be better off & happier if you left.

    Post # 6
    2171 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Sounds like you guys have different priorities and goals in life and simply aren’t compatible. Like kbeexo said, he has a right to not want marriage just as much as you have a right to want it. Could he have been more honest about his feelings earlier on? Sure. But now you know and can decide what is best for you.

    Good luck

    Post # 7
    10635 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Weddingbee ate my response.

    Dont have kids with someone who won’t marry you. You’ll end up a permanent baby mama. If marriage is something that’s important to you then break up with this guy and find someone who wants the same things. 

    Post # 8
    15125 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Yea, no thanks.  I think he’s pretty obvious his children will always come first.  He’s looking #1 for a baby momma to give him kids, and then #2 the relationship if it works.  I mean, sounds great as a father, but awful as a partner.

    Post # 9
    1082 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2018 - -

    Your decision to leave because he’s obviously not good enough in some very basic ways in which a considerate human being should be, HIS decision to live like a bitter coward and shame and guilt his younger lover into risking everything for himself without gain in turn. He is terrible.

    Post # 10
    226 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    joanne1992 :  I am sorry you are hurting. The hard truth is that you are willing to go the extra mile for him, but he is not willing to go the extra mile for you, or compromise on much of anything. Love is love but it does not compute to a happy ending–in the real world, it’s a lot more complicated than just loving someone. He seems very caught up in his own feelings and his own what ifs and is completely disregarding your life and needs and wants. BUT–you realize this. You are aware that he is doing this. 

    I think you should stay in London and pursue your career. You should not be held accountable for his ex’s decisions or his old life. That isn’t fair. Your heart will heal. You have already reached the point of resentment. He is saying this is your fault, but he won’t compromise, he won’t meet you halfway, he won’t even meet you a quarter of the way. Staying in London is the right choice. I’m sorry.

    Post # 11
    311 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    You two fundamentally want different things. That’s no more his fault than yours, although he should have told you this long ago, before stringing you along for years (and to a whole new country). The fact that he’s laying all the blame at your door isn’t acceptable though. His response that its “YOUR decision” and that he “wants to be with you, just not married” is manipulative.

    My advice: stay in London. Enjoy your life, work, family and friends. Find someone who wants the same things as you. He will not change and you should not change just to stay with someone like him. 

    Post # 12
    4275 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Neither of you are wrong, you both just don’t want the same things.

    He’s not the one.

    Post # 13
    1047 posts
    Bumble bee

    He sounds like a keeper. 

    Post # 14
    357 posts
    Helper bee

    Yes, and ultimately we broke up over it. Similar story, I gave up my career and house, I helped raise his kids, 7 years together. I resented him over feeling like “why aren’t I good enough, why aren’t I ‘worth it’, why wont he do this for me knowing its important to me, why do I have to give up what I want?” all of that… the financial thing is an excuse, you can get a prenup. If you’re serious that money doesn’t matter and he’s serious that money is the only thing stopping him then the prenup covers that. Listen, I totally get it, its hard to leave because they tell you a great story, but the reality is that deep down he’s not 100% committed to you and that’s why he wont marry you. My ex told me over and over how he was 100% committed and it was just a piece of paper and meaningless, but I wanted it so bad because deep down I could tell he wasn’t truly committed to me, I could feel it, and that’s why marriage became so important to me, because I wanted that external security I didn’t actually feel from the relationship. I was obsessed with wanting to get married and he had every story about why it shouldn’t matter, but it did. He eventually cheated and I see I was right, he wasn’t fully committed to me. Your man is full of excuses. I lived it, so similar, and I would hate to see you lose more years like I did.

    Post # 15
    2565 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    He just doesn’t offer much. Sure, he’d likely be a good dad (though resentful that he would have to support your children financially), but he’ll NEVER sacrifice anything for you. This is not a good relationship.

    Stay in London. Heal. 

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