Boyfriend of 4 years wants children with me… but not marriage

posted 2 years ago in Weddingbee
  • poll:
  • Post # 16
    Member
    47 posts
    Newbee

    I haven’t been in exactly the same situation but similar in that I did give up plans I had when I met my ex. This never felt like a problem because it meant that i’d found him. Gradually I realised more and more that we wanted different things and he was never willing to budge or try new things. I slowly started to resent him and started wanting the things i’d given up.  There was other reasons that I eventually decided to leave too but ultimately it was because I was living someone elses life and getting nothing from it.

    Post # 17
    Member
    396 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    You have already done all the compromising in this relationship and he has not compromised on anything. You’ve given up your preferred way of life, closeness with your friends and family, and your career prospects. He’s putting this break up all on you for the same reason that he doesn’t want to get married: he’s deathly afraid of being held accountable for his actions. He hates responsibility. He wants all the perks of marriage and adult life with all the ability to have that sweet sweet sense of adolescent instant gratification whenever he feels like it. Cut and run, there are plenty of men who are in London, would love to be with a lively and ambitious woman, and will actually want to marry you when the time comes.

    Post # 18
    Member
    4498 posts
    Honey bee

    Loving someone and being compatible with them are not the same thing.  You two do not want the same things and are not compatible.  You may feel like you wasted your time but you made a lot of assumptions (not saying you are against marriage is not the same as being for marriage) and time served is not a good enough reason to continue a relationship.  It sounds like it is time for you to find someone who wants to marry you and him to find someone who shares his ideals about relationships and marriage.  There is no right or wrong here…You just have beliefs that are incompatible.

    Post # 19
    Member
    1399 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2020

    You’re doing the right thing by breaking it off. He’s trying to guilt trip you into coming back right now, which is not okay. Don’t be his baby mamma and move to another country, stifling your career goals for a guy who wont give the same committment to you.

    Let him go find someone else to have his children. You focus on you, and being the best version of yourself you can be. There are others out there that share the same life values and won’t force you to move away from everything you love for them either.

    Best wishes!

    Post # 20
    Member
    2867 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    Nope. Nope. NOPE. Stay in London, advance in your bomb ass career, build a life that YOU will be happy with. He wants all the perks of being a married man with a family without actually having to commit to that family. HELL TO THE NO. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    5113 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2014

    Oh please, this guy has nothing but a bunch of excuses and a “poor me” routine. He only wants you when it doesn’t inconvenience him. Stay in London, you’ll find someone much better.

    Post # 23
    Member
    508 posts
    Busy bee

    Yeah, noooo. Do NOT have kids with this dude. Please stay in London where it seems like you’ll be happier and making bank btw. You’re only 25- you have plenty of time to find someone else who wants the same things you do. This guy isn’t worth another minute of your time.

    He has a lot of BS excuses for not marrying you. Woe is me, dude.. I lost my dad 6 years ago and my parents got divorced when I was like 9- but that hasn’t changed my outlook on getting married or in life.

    Post # 24
    Member
    467 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    It is your decision, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a weird threat for him to make — ignore it. 

    You are still young, and given that you want to wait to have kids anyway, there’s no rush. Enjoy your career and prospects in London. Take some time to appreciate that you are back to living the life you want. I have full confidence that you will find love and passion with someone in London who will want to marry you. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    5049 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Ugh, he is not considering you in any way.  The amount you would have to sacrifice to be with him, to fulfill his future plans is just too much.  I am sure this must be a heartbreaking decision to make but it seems clear that you need to stay in London, make the most of your career, enjoy your family and social network and hold out for a partner who wants the same things as you.

    Post # 26
    Member
    1064 posts
    Bumble bee

    joanne1992 :  Oh Bee. I’m sorry your prince turned into a toad.

     

    Reading you story, what jumped out at me was this:

     

    He “couldn’t move to London because of his daughter and his rugby job”.

     

    I’m going to stop you there. He COULD move to London. He chose not to. You were not (and you are not) his priority.

     

    It’s pretty clear his priorities are himself, his daughter, his career/hobby?, and you are a distant 4th or 5th.

     

    You gave up your family, your friends, your entire support network, a promising career, you gave ALL of that up for him.

     

    What has he given up for you?

     

    Throughout this entire relationship you have prioritized his needs and his child’s needs.

     

    When has he prioritized you?

     

    He’s selfish. He knew from the early days that marriage was important to you. He declined to tell you this wasn’t what he wanted. Because he knew you would dump him.

     

    He was content to USE you, as a companion, a lover, unpaid nanny, because it was CONVIENENT for him.

     

    And now that you are finally advocating for yourself, he is being emotionally manipulative.

     

    It’s so incredibly painful to realize the person we love doesn’t love us the same way that we love them. I am sorry he has done this to you. 

     

    I hope you break up. Block him. Don’t try to stay “friends”. Focus on you for once.

     

    He is not “the one”. That’s a concept lots of women use to justify staying in bad relationships. A lot of men could be “the one” for you. 

     

    There are many men out there who will love you passionately, who want what you want (marriage and children), men who pay their bills and are independent and responsible. Who are decent at communicating and do their share of the housework. Who share your values (whatever they are). Who live in London.

     

    I hope you work on yourself and go find one of those men. 

     

    Sending you good thoughts and vibes of happiness and self care. 

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by  samael. Reason: Formatting
    Post # 27
    Member
    1631 posts
    Bumble bee

    He’s unwilling to marry you because of theoretical financial consequences if you break up. But he’s perfectly happy to have you endure the financial consequences of being with him *now*.  You already sacrificed for him and found that it yielded no results. You know that the answer is for you to stay in London and find another bloke who will want to marry you. And you’ll find him. If you’re that successful in media, my guess is you are probably fairly likable. Once you rid yourself of the chains of this dead end relationship, I’m quite confident you’ll be back here planning your wedding to a fellow eager to marry you within a few years. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    95 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    London is the best! Stay there and advance in your career, you will meet someone there who you both love AND are compatible with. I know it’s hard, but it sounds like you have a great support system and a good head on your shoulders. You’ll do great! 

    Post # 29
    Member
    2794 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Tbh I think this relationship is over. He wants it all on his terms. I also think he has some work to do on himself getting over his parents deaths. His comments about being sure he’ll die young scream therapy to me.

    the only thing I will say is that in France you can legally register a relationship that isn’t marriage. It gives you some legal protections. I think it’s a certificate of concubine or something like that. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    9683 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    This relationship clearly isn’t going to work. You aren’t compatible and you aren’t happy. It happens. You are young, there’s so much ahead of you stop clinging to this relationship that has clearly run its course. Let it go. Focus on your career, find someone who wants the same things, and who makes you happy.

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