Post # 1
New to the site, thank you for any advice you may have! I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. We click on almost all areas, same interests and are Christians. Everyone who sees us together seem to smile at us and our friends think we are such a great match. After 6 months of dating he said we should get married soon. I was thinking it was too soon as I barely knew him.
He has had some major childhood trauma and this slowly came out after our 3rd year of dating. I became more aware of why he was so shy and didnt like to talk about himself much and was very secretive about his personal life. After we had a few more very brief discussions about his past, I became very empathetic and patient about the marriage thing. Fast forward to our 5th year, I started to become less patient and wanted us to move forward with marriage plans. He reluctantly and cautiously starts telling me he doesnt want to get married now but if he is pushed to do it there are a few conditions I must agree to. Those conditions absolutely stem from his traumatic past and are quite difficult for me to accept as a Chrisitan. He is open to therapy but wont set it up on his own. I offered to help him and am still trying to find a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma.
I am 41 now and its very hard to move so slow with this relationship because I want to have a child, but at the same time we love eachother so much. He says he wants me to get what I want and is willing to give me a baby but as a surrogate so he isnt responsible for child support. He would help where he could but says he is not financially ready to support us. I told him I can cover costs but was hoping he could see we can build wealth together as a family. This is so complicated and I feel a bit stuck. We have tried to break up every year since year 3 but it is so traumatic for both of us given our tight bond and mutual interests. He would be an amazing husband and father but he cant see that in himself just yet.
Post # 2
sobee1234 : how can he be an amazing father if he wants to give you a baby via surrogate so he doesn’t have to support the baby?
What is even going on here? What are his conditions for marriage?
Why do you want to marry someone you’ve been trying to leave for three years?
Post # 3
sobee1234 : Move on. He’s offering to have a baby with you but take no responsibility for it because of trauma he experienced as a child that he seems to be making no real effort to get over so he can live a happy, healthy, life?
You’ve tried to break up before? Try again and this time follow through with it. 41 is not old, but you’re no spring chicken so I’d stop wasting my time if I were you.
Also, no one should be given “Conditions” they have to meet in order to be marriage material, especially ones that are apparently very offensive to your religious beliefs.
Post # 4
Break up with him. Get into therapy.
Post # 5
sobee1234 : “ is willing to give me a baby but as a surrogate so he isnt responsible for child support”
This is really bizarre. It really doesn’t sound like he’s going to be ready to be a husband/father anytime soon. If having a biological child is important to you, I’d move on. You can’t spend another decade waiting on him and it sounds like it’s going to take him years of therapy to work out his issues, not to mention it sounds like he’s in terrible shape financially. I don’t say this lightly. I’ve been with my boyfriend even longer than this but we’re more than 10 years younger and do NOT want children-I just bring this up so you know I’m not usually one to advise moving on after long periods of dating without marriage.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
I must be reading this wrong because no where am I reading that he would be an amazing husband or father. After 6 months of dating he wanted to get married and now it’s been 5 years and he isn’t ready. You break up every year for the last 3 years. He gives you conditions if you guys do marry. He tell’s you can have a baby by a surrogent because he doesn’t want to be fiancially responsible?? WTF!! There is nothing amazing about that. He should have gotten therepy along time ago to deal with his childhood trauma. But seeing as how he didn’t and if he now does I think he really needs to work on himself. Whatever has happen to him has made him into the man that he has become and it will take alot longer if not forever for him to feel somewhat “normal”. This is trauma that he has dealt with through his childhood, teenage years and adult life he knows no other life unfortunalty. If he is 40 years old it will take just as long to undue the trauma that he has been through. He can’t give you what he has never had.
Post # 7
Oh Bee, what you write actually sounds heartbreaking. A big NOPE for marrying or having children with him while things are as they are. Don’t get into negotiating how you have to have children with him! This is really bizarre.
Put everything on hold for now and the only way I could see this taking a good direction is him going to therapy. If you can’t get hold of someone that specialises on childhood trauma, he can go and see someone that lists “life transitions” or something similar.
Post # 8
I find it very hard to believe that your interests are so niche that you’re the only two people in the world who have them or can understand them. You’re 41 – surely at 41 you can’t be so sheltered still as to believe that, nor does he sound so amazing as to keep yourself in perpetual limbo feasting on the conditional scraps and crumbs he gives you. Be smarter. Have more self-respect. Move on. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you are compatible as life partners.
Post # 9
He will not be an amazing husband or father.
Post # 10
sobee1234 : What kind of childhood trauma did he experience and what kind of conditions is he putting on the relationship (conditions that would go against your Christian beliefs??).
Is it sexual abuse? And are the conditions that he wont have sex with you? Because that would make sense around the idea of giving you a child via surrogate…the not wanting to pay child support is just a dick comment and shows you that he wont be there to support you and any child regardless of how it is conceived. Also – the agreeing to therapy but refusing to set it up himself is a RED FLAG and most reputable therapists would not engage via a third party – the person has to want to undertake the work on themselves and this includes making the arrangements.
Post # 11
It’s actually possible to commit after a traumatic past…..unless you’re using a traumatic past as an excuse to avoid commitment. Wake up, you’re living in some dopey dream fantasy world where you marry and have children. It’s not going to happen, please, for your own sake, stop being so gullible and desperate.
Post # 12
You lost me at surrogate and child support. That is seriously messed up. So he’ll give you his sperm to make the baby but doesn’t want any part in being a dad. Mmhmm great guy. I’d run.
Post # 13
“If he is pushed to do it”???? Huh?? I’m so sorry, but no. Just no. He’ll make a good husband and father, but doesn’t want to support you OR his seed financially? Again… no Bee, just no. So sorry for you smh.. You’ve ignored this for far too long. 41 and want a child naturally? Time to remove those rose colored glasses. You’re only seeing what you want to see. Good luck, Bee
Post # 14
I’m confused by what he means about a surrogate. Does he want you to find a sperm donor? Otherwise he would be the father. Or does he want to sign away all claim to the child?
It doesn’t matter because it’s a sad and sick thing to even suggest after leading you on all this time, especially knowing you want kids. His traumatic history is no excuse for that. At some point you have to take responsibility for your own actions.
Post # 15
sobee1234 : so what exactly do you get out of this by marrying him? He doesn’t want to raise a child with you or be responsible for it ever!!?
I’m assuming you will use his sperm and your egg and have a surrogate carry the pregnancy for you? Honestly OP, If you want a child, I’d go it alone with a sperm donor and dump this guy because you would be in the exact same position this way and you won’t have him as an extra piece if wood tied to your leg. At least by doing it alone and not in a relationship with him, you’d have a chance of finding real love with someone else who would be open to being a supportive part of you and your child’s life.
This man isn’t it and if you did end up with him and have your child according to his stipulations, can you imagine what it would be like for your child to grow up around such a disfunctional person and relationship? Even worse as a child without really understanding the undercurrent as to why ‘dad’ doesn’t really bond with them. That would cause long lasting emotional issues for your child. Don’t do this to an innocent child.
Leave him and find someone who wants to be with you whole heartedly, with joy and no stipulations.