Boyfriend of 5 years won't seriously commit.

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
676 posts
Busy bee

The “I am overwhelmed talking about our future” is actually a quite commonly used phrase by men who don’t want to marry you. 

For some of us it is a broken record and we stop allowing it to hurt our ears. Time to move on. 

Time together 
+    His age
—————-
Inexcusable!

Post # 18
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

OH. MY. GOD..  This reminds me soooo much of my ex.  It was 2 years of this (together in all 5 years).. at age 32 he finally purchased an engagement ring and DIDNT PROPOSE.  Every. F**ing conversation for the last 2 years of our relationship was about him not wanting timelines, him wanting a family and wanting marriage but not wanting to be rushed (This all after living together for 3 years), I finally left when I was 28, BEST. DECISION. EVER. 

I met the most amazing, thoughtful, perfect man after only 4 months who asked my parents after 6 months if he could marry me, and told his parents after our first date he would marry me.  We had open conversations about our future, and talked about children and marriage together. 

I would pine over these boards, google things like “why hasn’t he proposed”.  I feel like I see sooo much of myself in this post.   You don’t need to suck it up, you are worth more than that!

Post # 19
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

The hardest part of this is the resentment and doubt that it creates in your view on the relationship. That can be damaging even if you DO eventually marry.

My ex husband was this way. He had a lot of things he needed to accomplish personally before he was ready to marry, and he was on a bit of a delayed timeline as he got several degrees before getting his “real” job. I knew he loved me and I hung in there. I finally and lovingly gave him an ultimatum, my (generous) timeline or I’d seriously consider walking. He proposed on the timeline, we got married, he and I were BOTH very happy to be married. But then he started stalling on our timeline to TTC, and it was like the straw that broke the camel’s back, since I already had all those seeds of doubt and resentment and insecurity in his commitment to me. After only 2 years married, we split up (for this and other reasons).

I’m now with a man who willingly and enthusiastically brought up living together, marriage, having babies, what changes we might make in our lives to make these plans more viable and easily accomplished. He’s all in, and he’s EXCITED about it all, and I can’t tell you what a difference it makes in my confidence in us. 

I guess just some food for thought. Even if you do get him to agree to marriage, and he’s happy about it after all, this dynamic is damaging – and it doesn’t have to be this way. 

Edit: Oh, and my partner who is so enthusiastic and vocal about marriage, having a family, etc with me? He is also divorced and it took him many years and well past when his then-gf was ready to be married, for him to propose to her. He says that at the time he rationalized the delay and reluctance with all sorts of reasons. But now it’s obvious to him that above all, he had major doubts about marrying her and was trying to postpone having to make any hard decisions and be the bad guy. ๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„

Post # 20
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee

KittyYogi :  I have to totally agree, here, even though I already commented. Something I myself and others need to remember, as well! We shouldn’t have to drag our signifigant others through stages of life. Once you have marriage nailed, what about kids? Will you have to drag him through that, too? Buying a house? Career options, promotions, decisions, relocating? Other finance things?

 

I have to include myself in overlooking these things. I was so gung ho about just having my ex propose I didn’t even think about the fact that I may haveto drag him through the other stages of life, too. Admittedly, I’m still not “there” yet on accepting everything, but this is food for thought for sure. Even though I know I don’t want kids for a while, and aren’t concerned about buying a house ASAP, either, when I AM ready for those things, will he be? Or will it be another battle everytime it’s time to do something new and progressive in life?

 

All that being said, everything works out differently. You’ll hear of people getting married, happily, in all sorts of different ways. People take different paths to get there, sometimes. Sometimes men need time to grow up or reexamine their lives. Sometimes we (and they) realize they are just happy not being married to ANYONE, EVER. But that obviously entails losing the woman they love if they won’t marry her and that’s what she wants. We may never understand how they are okay with this. There’s no telling if you’ll end up married to this man now, later, after a break up, 2 years from now, or someone else entirely.

 

I think what matters is that we respect ourselves and take care of ourselves…that we leave and do better for ourselves if we’re not getting what we deserve. “they say” once you do that everything falls into place….be it with a new man oneday, or the same man. I think we have to not bank on that one man coming around, though. If he’s going to, he’s going to. If not, someone else will. Putting ourselves first is #1 and then things work out.

 

I admittedly am still in this proccess, but we have to keep trying.

Post # 20
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

WB deleted my reply for some reason??

Basically my main point was that even if you DO eventually get married and both are happy, this dynamic introduces unhealthy doubt and resentment and insecurity into your take on your relationship.  My ex was this way, even though he really loved me.  We eventually got married after I gave him a reasonable ultimatum after a decade together.  We were both really happy to be married, but when he then started delaying our TTC timeline (for decent reasons, really), it was like the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I already had that resentment built up and it was just too much that he AGAIN wasn’t ready to take the next step.

My current partner is enthusiastic and vocal and excited about our future and about making tangible, serious commitments to each other.  It makes me feel so secure and happy in our relationship, and it makes me realize that this is how it should be.

Also, noteworthy: my current partner was previously married as well, and also took many many years to propose to his then-gf, long after she was ready and pressuring him to be ready.  He says that at the time he rationalized the delay to both of them for all sorts of seemingly-valid reasons.  But now it’s clear to him that he had serious doubts about marrying her, and by stalling, he was trying to delay the inevitable… breaking up and being the bad guy, or marrying someone about whom he had serious doubts.  (Eyeroll.  Trust me, he knows that kind of thing doesn’t fly anymore.)

Post # 21
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

hrtsnstrs :  Agreed.  Just as we have the right to want to move on to the next stage of committment, the partner certainly has the right to NOT want to do that.  It’s equally unfair to force it on them. 

I do think a gentle ultimatum can work… “This is what I want, and I’m hoping you do too, but if not, it will be time for me to move on so we can both find what we need in a relationship.”

To your point, my ex is now in a relationship with a fairly younger woman (7-8 years difference), and that will probably work out better for him.  By the time she’s ready to move forward, he will probably have finally gotten to that point in life as well.  (We were in our early 30s when we married, so it’s not like I was pushing it early, but he’s kind of a man-child.  A wonderful one in so many ways, but yeah.)

Post # 22
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

KittyYogi :  THIS x 1 million. you hit the nail on the head.  

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