Post # 1
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We are 20 and 21 years old and I’m a senior in college, he’s a sophomore (he’s a year younger than me then took a year off). We have had a really strong relationship and friendship and have known each other forever, we’ve had no issues until now.
He just got accepted to a school in New York City (we are from a smaller city about 5 hours away), and the plan is for me to move with him when I graduate. I’m really conflicted about this because I am very close with my family and friends and my mom and dad both have a lot of health issues. I would not be able to live with myself knowing that my parents are sick and have no help. My mom has a lot of kidney issues relating to cancer treatments from 10 years ago and my dad is an alcoholic, and they both live alone. My boyfriend does not seem to understand my reluctance to move as he believes it is not my job to take care of my parents. He claims I am making him feel sorry about wanting to follow his dreams, telling me that ultimately the ball is in my court as to if I’m going to move with him or end the relationship.
I can’t imagine ending the relationship. I also can’t see myself living in New York City, it’s just not what I want for my life. A huge part of it is my family, and he just doesn’t seem to understand. He has some personal issues here that I feel are driving him to want to move even more, which is also why he thinks I’m being selfish in not moving.
Can anyone give me some advice? Am I the one being selfish or is he? We are not seeing eye to eye.
Post # 2
why is it an ultimatum? Can he go for school for 2 years and then you make a decision of where to live together? He may hate the city, your parents circumstances may change. I’d find a job you like and be open to making decisions as a couple.
Post # 3
Does he plan on living there long term or just for college?
Can you perhaps try a long distance relationship for awhile? He may end up not even liking the city.
If an LDR is not an option, it might be best just to end the relationship if you both have strong feelings about where you want to live.
ETA: I completely missed his ultimatum. I don’t necessarily think that makes him selfish, not everyone is cut out for an LDR. I think it’s in your best interest to end the relationship. Six years is a long time but you guys are both still so young that you have likely changed a lot since you first met.
Post # 4
You guys have been together a long time, yes, but you’re also both very young. I think you are coming to realize that you both want different things from life. You certainly aren’t being selfish just because you see your future differently than he sees his. Sounds like it may be time to go your separate ways and look for someone who wants the same things you do.
Post # 5
I think he’s being incredibly selfish and I can’t believe he gave you an ultimatum! That alone I would say see ya! Frankly parents take care of us all of our lives, when they get older and need our help we should be there to help them. I wouldn’t go if I was in the same situation and I would hope if I had children they would do the same. Parents know we have lives to live and ours can’t revolve around them, but this guy is asking a lot from you and he’s not doing much in return it seems. Besides you said yourself, “I can’t see myself living in New York City, it’s just not what I want for my life”.
There are plenty of fish in the sea but parents are not a dime a dozen. Plus, if long distance isn’t up his alley and an ultimatum is his only solution then kick him to the curb. Just my $0.02.
Post # 7
our goals for the future have been the same until now. We had always discussed living in the same city (or state) that we are both from. He essentially woke up one day and decided to move to New York.
Post # 8
You are both young and realizing you want your lives to look completely different. Very normal at this age. Sorry bee, probably time to move on.
Post # 9
This is tough, sorry bee. Does he have plans to stay in NYC after he graduates? It sounds like you are pretty well set in wanting/needing to be close to your family, don’t feel bad about that. Its simply who you are and what you want to do. While I see his point, its not your job to take care of them, its your choice that you are making and that is ok, don’t let him make you feel guilty about that. Its also his choice to move to a different school, in a different city. It sounds to me like you two are in very different places in your lives. Do you want to have a long distance relationship with him for an open ended amount of time? Does he? From him saying “the ball is in your court” makes me think he is not looking at your relationship as a true partnership in all honesty. This is the biggest red flag to me. His mind is made up and he is going, and it sounds like if you go with him thats great but he really doesn’t care. If he cared, he would talk to you about it more and make it a joint decision….like a mature couple. Because of this, I think you should let him go with no strings attached.
You two have been together for 6years and you are both in your very early 20s. I think you should break up to experience life without each other. Let him go to the city and follow his dreams right now. You can stay close to your home where your heart is. I say this from my experience only, that I would not be ok with a LDR for an unknown amount of time AND that I think its important to hang out with different people to figure out what you want out of a relationship. I know a lot of people can get together in HS or at a young age, and be together forever but I was not one of those people. You never know what life will bring you, maybe he will move back in a few years and be ready to commit to you. Maybe someone else is out there for you.
Good luck, op.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
It’s unfortunate, but it seems as if the reality of your relationship is just different now. Where you were once on the same page, you two now want different things for your futures. I Agree with PP and suggest the LDR route for the time being. If it becomes too difficult or it doesn’t work, then it’s probably time to part ways.
I don’t think either one of you are in the wrong. You just have different priorities for you lives right now and that is absolutely okay. Sometimes it just happens that way. No one’s fault, no one to blame, just a split in the path.
Post # 11
I’m sorry that you’re in this tough situation, OP. I don’t think he is being selfish in giving you an ultimatum, because as a PP stated, some people just aren’t cut out for LDRs. I don’t think I could do an LDR personally. But I do think that it’s unfair that he just up and decided that this is what he wants to do with his life, so suddenly.
Honestly though, I know you’re probably sick of hearing this, but you’re young. Not too much younger than me, might I add. I’m 26. But seriously, you will change so much – SO MUCH – in your twenties. The things that were important to me at 20-21 have drastically changed, trust me. 6 years is a long time to be with someone, but you have your whole life ahead of you. If you feel like moving to NYC isn’t an option for you and are forced to end the relationship, I promise you that you’ll move on with your life. Yes you’ll be sad at first, but you still have so much learning and growing to do. In the end, I believe that if something is meant to be, it will be. Now may not be the best time for you two, but who knows what the future holds. Good luck!
Post # 12
You are both being selfish, and that’s exactly how it should be at your age. He SHOULD go off and follow his dreams, and you should follow yours (whether that’s moving away or building a life where you live). YOU need to be your priority right now – NOT your parents, and NOT him. If you can both do that and support, love, and be there for eachother in the process, it’s the right relationship. If not, it’s not.
That being said, your parents would want you to be happy and live your life. They didn’t raise you to be their nurse. They know you love them. Live the life they gave you.
Post # 13
He might not want to stay in New york city when he is done. If you come from a suburb and are used to living in a house with a backyard without constant noise all the time, it is a difficult adjustment.
Post # 14
20/21 is WAY too young to be held back from trying new experiences imo. If he wants to go, and is willing to end the relationship to do so, I think that kinda tells you right there where you guys stand. And it’d be worse imo for him to stay where you are for the sake of the realtionship and risk him resenting you for not being able to follow his dreams. If you can’t do the LDR, sounds like you two have found different paths to follow.
Post # 15
Hunny, you both are soo young. You need to take this time to EXPERIENCE life. I think it’s time for you to take a break to find yourselves outside of a relationship. I have always deeply regretted not taking more time to be alone and travel…find myself…don;t make the same mistake that so many people do. Set a timeframe of say one year…no communication allowed, then after one year if you still want to be together then it was meant to be but you are not allowed to get hung up on things that happened while you were apart. It sounds like you have a fantastic relationship and I’m not doubting that I just think you need time for yourself. Take a gap year to backpack across Europe (it’s not as expensive as it sounds), volunteer in a third world country….just LIVE, you won’t get this chance again.