Post # 1
So we have been together 6 years. He and his mom are both from another country and moved to the US together. So they lived together in a one bedroom apartment. She gets the bedroom and he sleeps on a mattress in the living room . They have lived like this for 8 years now . His dad passed away a few years ago but they had already been divorced many years.
Here’s the problem: I feel like I his mom has made him feel be is responsible for her happiness . That she is weak and cant take care of herself Shes only in her 40s….wont even hold down a part time job. He pays completely for her and rent. She hasn’t even been saving during this time and he bas never brought it up to her .
We have had talks about marriage and kids before but recently we started fighting when I bring it up . He says I’m selfish and it’s all about me and hes being pulled in a million directions and started crying and like pulling his hair
He is a good person just dont you think this is a red flag ? 6 years and you freak out when I mention it ? Im 32 that’s why I’m bringing it up more now
I know he feels he cant do anything about it because he cant just throw his mom out but I feel like he wants us all 3 to just live together forever . I want an adult couple relationship, a family. Now I’m just losing interest and gaining resentment
I’m scared of hurting him. I dont kniw what to say anymore. Just feel like this is going to go on along time until she miraculously marries a man willing to be her financial crutch and look as handsome as a model
He said it will happen but he cant tell me when
He shared a random video on YouTube with me the other day and I could see his watch lost . One a while back said ‘do you really want a relationship ‘
He says he loves me so much but I feel our future depends on his moms happiness. And hes just going go wait for it , because he needs to make sure shes happy and kk .
At one time his mom was proposed to and she convinced the guy to let my boyfriend move in Also…rent free . I understand saving but still , all moving in together ? Instead of with your gf ? He said he would use that to save up for us together but I doubt he would ever leave her . I feel like hes a boy still because he didny have a father to show him
Just please help , any advice or feedback on my situation.
Post # 2
Wait, how old is he? If his mom is in her 40s and you started dating 6 years ago? I hope she was a really young mom otherwise this could be creepy all around.
But the obvious answer here is that he’s not ready to be a full-time romantic partner. You need to break it off.
Post # 3
This wouldn’t fly with me. Move on.
Post # 4
My first reaction was also – how old is he?? I feel this may be a contributing factor. But generally I’d say this situation is unworkably long term and he appears to have no desire to change it….
Post # 5
You don’t view life the same way and don’t want the same things. Move on.
Post # 6
aoifeo : she had him when she was 15. He is 31 right now
Post # 7
Wait, does he live in a one bed with his mom or does he live in his mom’s fiance’s house?
It sounds like he is in a really difficult position and he obviously doesn’t want to abandon him mom even though he knows it is hurting him and his relationship. Ultimately it doesn’t sound like this is the guy for you if you want to get married asap.
Post # 8
This wouldn’t be okay with me.
Post # 9
He’s acting more like a pseudo husband than a son. Give up and move on. A “good person” would recognize the unhealthiness of the dynamic between himself and his mother. Instead he prefers to make you the bad guy. Give up and move on. There is literally nothing you can do to change this situation and it certainly isn’t something I’d willingly sign up for.
Post # 10
Unfortunately, he sounds very emotionally unstable. I truly think it would be a waste of your time to continue this relationship as you will likely feel like you have to fix him and frankly, you never will. He needs to be on his own and figure out his life. If he never moves out and makes his mom/himself become independent then that’s on him. You can’t wait around. You can’t force him into anything and you shouldn’t want to. This man clearly has a lot to work out and seems very unwilling at this point. It could take him years to get to the point where he even considers making changes.
Post # 11
zzar45 : He was going to move in with the fiance and his mom but that guy broke it off with her . So currently he still lives in a one bedroom with his mom . That’s why it’s hard because I know it is difficult for him, but now I can also see this is how it will stay . I would hope being in a relationship this long he would want to branch off , but I know his moms situation will fore or stop him . Now he cant be apart or too far from her . I would have st least thought she would have considered saving to help herself get a place knowing he was in a relationship. Coming over to his apartment to sleep on the floor and having to walk into his moms room to go to the bathroom isnt exactly attractive . He wants to get a house one day but I’m sure that means she would live there too .
I dont expect marriage right now just feel like I need hope of committment and a future together. Not “i dont know i cant give you a time ”
I didnt realize wanting a future as a couple was selfish …
Just feel like this is no win . In his culture the families stzy together forever or until marriage and I feel even marriage wont change this situation
His mom will forever hold him back . Wish he wouldbe told me this in the beginning. He hid it
Post # 12
Clearly the mom has not created a healthy relationship with her son. It sound like she has made him feel that he owes her and he needs to be there for her. I guess it has been happening his whole life that he doesn’t even know how unhealthy and wrong it is. I really feel for him and I really feel for you. He will not be able to move in and get married until he understands that he is not in charge of his mum.
Post # 13
xcoralskullz11 : Why do you go to his apartment just to stay on the floor of the living room?! Why not your apartment?
If she doesn’t work then she obviously can’t save so I don’t know why you keep presenting that as an option.
Sometimes family relationships are one of the hardest parts of inter cultural marriages. People can throw all the “mommas boy” comments they like at you but at the end of the day that is through the eyes of an american. Living with extended family is normal and expected in many cultures so if that isn’t something you want from your life perhaps this isn’t the relationship for you.
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
I would ask him point blank “How do you see this relationship progressing over the next 5 or 10 years”. I would want to know if my boyfriend of 6 years expected me to move in with his mom or if he expected me to put our future on hold indefinitely until his mother found someone else to support her. How will this relationship look if you get married? if you have children? Will you be expected to sleep on a mattress in the living room with him? Does he have a plan to remove himself from his mothers entanglement? If his response to your question isn’t “Help mom write a resume & move out to start a life with you”, I would be out of there. How long do you put your life on hold waiting for a grown woman to act like a grownup?
Post # 15
Since this is at least partly a cultural expectation, I would not expect it to ever change in a way that will be acceptable to you. He is expected to take care of his mother for the rest of her life and in his eyes it would be heinous to abandon that duty as a son. My ex husband was in a similar situation. His mother asbolutely believed her son was responsible for her happiness, and that this was her right to demand of him. Being “independent” or living separate lives was not a thing. It caused tons of strife and ultimately played a hand in our divorce. I’m sorry you are in this situation, but it is unlikely to change. Your SO will always feel responsible for his mother and she will come first.