Boyfriend of 6 years wont leave mom

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I break up with him ?
    Yes : (71 votes)
    97 %
    No : (2 votes)
    3 %
    wait a year and see what he changes for you : (0 votes)
  • Post # 2
    212 posts
    Helper bee

    Wait, how old is he? If his mom is in her 40s and you started dating 6 years ago? I hope she was a really young mom otherwise this could be creepy all around.

    But the obvious answer here is that he’s not ready to be a full-time romantic partner. You need to break it off.

    Post # 3
    9489 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    This wouldn’t fly with me. Move on.

    Post # 4
    331 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    My first reaction was also – how old is he?? I feel this may be a contributing factor. But generally I’d say this situation is unworkably long term and he appears to have no desire to change it…. 

    Post # 5
    6738 posts
    Bee Keeper

    You don’t view life the same way and don’t want the same things. Move on. 

    Post # 7
    5696 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    Wait, does he live in a one bed with his mom or does he live in his mom’s fiance’s house?

    It sounds like he is in a really difficult position and he obviously doesn’t want to abandon him mom even though he knows it is hurting him and his relationship.  Ultimately it doesn’t sound like this is the guy for you if you want to get married asap. 

    Post # 8
    78 posts
    Worker bee

    This wouldn’t be okay with me.

    Post # 9
    4170 posts
    Honey bee

    He’s acting more like a pseudo husband than a son. Give up and move on. A “good person” would recognize the unhealthiness of  the dynamic between himself and his mother. Instead he prefers to make you the bad guy. Give up and move on. There is literally nothing you can do to change this situation and it certainly isn’t something I’d willingly sign up for.

    Post # 10
    856 posts
    Busy bee

    Unfortunately, he sounds very emotionally unstable. I truly think it would be a waste of your time to continue this relationship as you will likely feel like you have to fix him and frankly, you never will. He needs to be on his own and figure out his life. If he never moves out and makes his mom/himself become independent then that’s on him. You can’t wait around. You can’t force him into anything and you shouldn’t want to. This man clearly has a lot to work out and seems very unwilling at this point. It could take him years to get to the point where he even considers making changes.

    Post # 12
    174 posts
    Blushing bee

    Clearly the mom has not created a healthy relationship with her son. It sound like she has made him feel that he owes her and he needs to be there for her. I guess it has been happening his whole life that he doesn’t even know how unhealthy and wrong it is. I really feel for him and I really feel for you. He will not be able to move in and get married until he understands that he is not in charge of his mum. 

    Post # 13
    5696 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    xcoralskullz11 :  Why do you go to his apartment just to stay on the floor of the living room?! Why not your apartment? 

    If she doesn’t work then she obviously can’t save so I don’t know why you keep presenting that as an option. 

    Sometimes family relationships are one of the hardest parts of inter cultural marriages.  People can throw all the “mommas boy” comments they like at you but at the end of the day that is through the eyes of an american.  Living with extended family is normal and expected in many cultures so if that isn’t something you want from your life perhaps this isn’t the relationship for you. 

    Post # 14
    3783 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

    I would ask him point blank “How do you see this relationship progressing over the next 5 or 10 years”. I would want to know if my boyfriend of 6 years expected me to move in with his mom or if he expected me to put our future on hold indefinitely until his mother found someone else to support her. How will this relationship look if you get married? if you have children? Will you be expected to sleep on a mattress in the living room with him? Does he have a plan to remove himself from his mothers entanglement? If his response to your question isn’t “Help mom write a resume & move out to start a life with you”, I would be out of there. How long do you put your life on hold waiting for a grown woman to act like a grownup?

    Post # 15
    2074 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    Since this is at least partly a cultural expectation, I would not expect it to ever change in a way that will be acceptable to you. He is expected to take care of his mother for the rest of her life and in his eyes it would be heinous to abandon that duty as a son. My ex husband was in a similar situation. His mother asbolutely believed her son was responsible for her happiness, and that this was her right to demand of him. Being “independent” or living separate lives was not a thing. It caused tons of strife and ultimately played a hand in our divorce. I’m sorry you are in this situation, but it is unlikely to change. Your SO will always feel responsible for his mother and she will come first.

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