Post # 1
I reallllyyy need your advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for around 6 months. We actually MET on Tinder, but since have stopped using it. I deleted mine, he deleted but redownloaded his because he wanted to see how many matches he could get (by swiping right to everyone??? idk)
Just this past weekend, we were out and I noticed he was on tinder. He told me about all of his matches and I noticed that he was actually TALKING to some of these girls – And I was p*ssed. Almost in tears, telling him that if he cared about me why would he do that? Asking him if he was cheating on me etc. He said that he started using it again because he was trying to find his friend a date, and ended up liking the validation he got by having his ego stroked by these girls. But then he asked me if I was happy in the relationship, I said yes and then I was like “Why you’re not?” And he said he is he just feels depressed, like something is missing and he is just unhappy with his life?? I don’t know. He said he would delete it, but I could look at all of the conversations he had on Tinder first. I did. None of them were flirty, but sometimes he started the conversation which bothered me. But he could’ve always deleted conversations, which he denied he did but still. I watched him delete the app from his phone.
The worst part about all of this was the day after he asked me to meet his family for Easter dinner. That’s when he started saying “If I didn’t want to be with you why would I want you to meet my family” and telling me he didn’t want to break up and that he cared about me but I just don’t know… We went for Easter dinner, and it was actually really nice.<br /><br />He was always very self-concious and always liked to know that he was attractive. His last relationship he was cheated on, etc. So I don’t know what’s happening here…
I’m just confused and sad. I really don’t know what to do and if I should truly believe him. My friends say I should give him another chance but a lot of things online tell me to dump him. But I want to make it work? He just seemed genuinely depressed lately, his grandmother died he doesn’t like his job etc. But I don’t know if that’s what’s causing him to just seek validation or to actually cheat on me… Help!
Post # 2
Your situation resonates with me because your boyfriend sounds like my father (sad, but true). Unfortunately, my dad does not know how to take care of himself emotionally. His dad was very hard on him (he was the baby of 4 and his dad never let him forget it), so therefore he is always looking to outside sources for ego-stroking and making himself feel good. As a result, he was unhappy for his entire 25 year marriage to my stepmom, and we found out later he had several affairs throughout their marriage. He also suffers from depression because he is never satisfied.
I’m not saying your Boyfriend or Best Friend is a full-blow narcissist, because he’s readily admitting why he’s on the website and how it makes him feel to get that attention (most narcissists would never admit this), but I would be wary that he may be the type of person who is never happy and always looking for someone else to validate him and make him feel good about himself.
See it as a red flag and proceed accordingly. Good luck!
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I agree with the PP. I would take note of this behavior and be on watch.
He sounds very young, also, so maybe he’s not ready for a serious relationship.
Watch your back, OP. 🙁
Post # 4
prahajess: I agree! Haha. We are both young. In our early twenties. I am his first relationship since a 4 year relationship he had with a cheating gf.
Post # 5
Honestly… I don’t think he’s worth your time. Sorry. Tinder is a hook up/dating app, and he was on it while you two were out together. Don’t wait around for him to actually cheat.
Just my 2c.
Post # 6
No, this is not acceptable. Just no. It’s been 6 months! You’re worth more than this kind of crap.
Post # 7
he was cheated on and feel insecure so he is doing the same thing to you. while it might not be physical yet, it is emotional.
6 months isn’t that much time invested. if you think he is worth it to work on, you should. but you might also do better finding someone who respects you.
Post # 8
mosh17: this sounds like bad news to me. He says he’s depressed. If he’s in a relationship he is happy in, he wouldn’t do or say all the things he said.
He’s keeping you until he can find the next person who can replace you. Yes, he brings you to his family. So what? That doesn’t mean anything until he starts being loyal.
You are better off dumping him while this relationship is still young. Trust me, you won’t regret this and you will find someone better.
Post # 9
- Wedding: December 2014 - Norton Country Club
Been there, done that… different apps though. My last exbf (before I met FI) did this and I couldn’t deal with it. He deleted the first app, then moved onto another one that I didn’t have any experience with… He also renamed it on his phone and changed the icon to something like a calculator or calendar! No lie- the man was having convos on “Words with Friends” and would eventually add these girls as friends on Facebook saying they were coworkers. He gave me the same excuses that it wasn’t “real” and he needed his ego stroked.
It might not have been real to him, but the pain it caused me was real. I felt betrayed, un-sexy, and like I wasn’t enough. Trust me, meeting his family is NOT enough to build a sturdy relationship (exbf’s mom in this scenario loved me and still sends me cards 2 years later). What should have happened is that if he feels less-than or unattractive, he should come to you. Going to other people secretly is not the way to strengthen a relationship! If he’s depressed and doesn’t want to burden you with that, he needs to seek some professional counseling.
Also… about his messages, “none of them were flirty”… my impression of Tinder is that they don’t need to be overtly flirty, it’s sort of implied that you’re trying to get physical from the get-go there.
Post # 10
But I don’t know if that’s what’s causing him to just seek validation or to actually cheat on me…
mosh17: Does it really matter? Either way, this guy just isn’t worth your time; be glad that you only wasted 6 months.
Post # 11
mosh17: I think you should be ready for him to cheat on you if you don’t take the appropriate steps. If he’s seeking some kind of validation, it should be coming from you so why is he looking for it outside? If you are satisfied that you are doing all you can to give him a sense of security, then I think you should be prepared for heartbreak because he WILL cheat on you if he’s looking for validation from other women.
Secondly, you should be thankful that he did not delete those conversations. If he did, you would never really know what he’s been up to.
Post # 12
Regardless of whether he’s actually cheating on you, do you really want a relationship with someone who is so shallow and immature that they need validation from an online hook-up site?
Personally I’d give him the boot. His current capers suggest that he’s totally unreliable.
Post # 13
Your Boyfriend or Best Friend of six months is going on a dating website and chatting with other girls right in front of you and you want to know what to do? Have higher standards for yourself. Dating others or being in a nonexclusive relationship is one thing, but he was totally disrespectful. I wouldn’t tolerate being treated like that and neither should you.
Post # 14
Have some self respect, OP. At best, your boyfriend is seeking sexual validation/ego boosts from women other than you, and at worst, he’s literally trying to hookup with other women right in front of your face. I don’t care how “damaged” he is from his last relationship, you need no part of trying to fix him. As our friend Sweet Brown wisely says: ain’t nobody got time for that.
He’s a douche. Move. on.
Post # 15
mosh17: Sorry to be so blunt, but this is totally unacceptable! If he wants to continue this relationship with you, he needs to stop searching for female attention OUTSIDE the relationship. He seems very confused about what he wants and he may not be ready for a serious relationship. If you choose to continue the relationship that’s your choice, just watch out for yourself. your best bet would be to end it now before he hurts you. :/