Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. He was always the more affectionate one in the relationship, which I am fine with. He never complains about me not being particularly affectionate. However, over the past 6 months, he has become virtually clingy and wants to do everything with me. Every weekend, it seems he expects us to do things together, and I am getting less and less time with my family and friends. Even if I’m going to do the supermarket to pick up break and milk, he wants to come along!
I know he loves me and I don’t want to be ungrateful, but how can I politely ask him to give me space to breathe?
Anyone been through something similar with their SOs? How did you deal with it?
Edit: Just wanted to add that he expects me to spend the entire weekend with him. I don’t mean that I don’t want to spend any time over the weekend with him.
Post # 2
Well,usually weekends ARE spent with significant others. You don’t have to spend the entire day with him, but wanting to avoid him all weekend signals bigger problems.
Post # 3
Hi, Thank you for replying.
He expects me to be with him all weekend. I don’t mean that I do not want to spend any time with him.
Post # 4
elena91 : well you have to be honest with him. Just tell him that you love him but need alone time. I always let my Darling Husband know when I need to spend time alone or with a friend and he knows that it’s nothing personal but that I just need that time to recharge. Even at home I’ll let him know sometimes that hey , love you but I need to be alone for a bit, am tired, drained, etc and then I go and do my own thing and he keeps busy by doing something he likes. Some people get drained by being together too much and it’s healthy to have some time and space away. Explain it to him in a gentle way and then do your own thing. He might need some time to adjust but call it ”me time” and he will get used to it. Good luck.
Post # 5
Do either of you have hobbies?
Example.. my husband enjoys golf. I like DIY projects and visiting the small local shops in our city. So both of those generate the alone time that we each need. It’s not that he spends the entire weekend golfing, and I don’t spend the entire weekend out shopping, and it’s not that we do this every single weekend… but during the few hours that we do spend apart once in a while during our coordinated “me time” we are able to focus on ourselves and relax and just enjoy the moment to breathe. It’s not at all that we don’t want to be around each other– we just understand that we need to have some time to ourselves to keep that “balance”.
I like this article on it. https://www.meetmindful.com/balancing-alone-time/#
Also, you say that you have been together for two years but he has become clingy in the last six months. What changed that may have caused the clinginess?
Post # 6
He does not sound healthy. Does he not have friends or interests of his own? Does he get upset when you insist on doing something without him?
I’d be very wary of this one, he’s trying to isolate you.
This isn’t needy or clingy behavior, it’s just designed to make it look that way so you’ll feel guilty for “abandoning” him. This is about controlling you.
Post # 7
I disagree that his behavior is unhealthy or isolating…perhaps it is for you, but in general I wouldn’t say so—assuming he’s like my Darling Husband and myself who actually feel recharged by spending time together over anything else. He loves you so of course he wants to spend all his time with you. That might not be how you personally work though, and that’s okay…but you should definitly communicate that to him.
It’s kind of like a love-language…he may want a relationship that’s highly involved. It’s possible you two aren’t compatible in that sense, but it’s certainly possible that he’ll be willing to back off if you ask him to.
Post # 8
sassy411 : Woah, I think that’s a massive leap from the information in the original post! All we know is that he wants to hang out with her on weekends, including coming along on errands etc. That’s hardly crazy or unusual for a two year relationship. If it’s not working for the OP that’s one thing, but many people would be very happy with this.
Post # 9
Thank you for your reply.
Yes, he enjoys playing tennis and football. He used to play a lot of it with his friends at a club locally, and still does from time to time.
I am also into sports, but tend to spend my time reading and writing quite a lot these days.
He has a several friends, so it’s not a case of not having a social cricle.
As for whether anything changed, well, he first brought up the talk about having a future together and moving in about six months ago, and more recently, he clearly stated he wants to get married and have kids. I’m not really interested in getting married, but he wants kids for sure, so he wants to get married for that reason.
I will read the article- thank you.
Post # 10
sassy411 : Get upset? Well, yes, he seems disappointed, but he doesn’t make a big deal about it.
He does have friends and various interests, especially sports (he plays tennis and football), but over the past two years (and particularly the last few months), he’s been wanting to spend more and more time with me, and I sometimes feel overwhelmed by it all. I need more of ‘me’ time than he does I guess.
Post # 11
Wait, it sounds like you two aren’t on the same page. He wants to get married and have children, while you do not?
Post # 12
It sounds to me like you have your answer to his sudden clingy nature. I’m guessing your talk about marriage and kids didn’t go exactly as he hoped and he feels he might be losing you or that he needs to draw you closer.
I agree with PP that you two need to make sure you’re on the same page about the future of relationship, especially being 2 years in.
Post # 13
I need more “me” time than my husband does and so I take it. When I need time to myself, I just let him know “Hey, I’m going to take some time to myself to go do x,y,z. No, you can’t come along. Because I want to think my thoughts by myself.”
Just ask for what you need.
Better yet- take it. You don’t need his permission and if you’re trying to be in a successful partnership with him, he needs to be prepared to deal with your ways of being that are less than comfortable for him (like you needing more personal time than he does) just like you have to (like him needing more together time than you do).
Post # 14
Hi, Yes, I posted about this a few days ago.
I told him honestly that I didn’t really know if I wanted marriage, and when I asked him why he wanted marriage, he said it was because he wanted kids at some point down the line (approx when we are in our late 20s). I haven’t decided yet whether I want kids or not.
I discussed this with him, and I said that we were only in our mid 20s, but I didn’t expect him to wait for me in case I changed my mind. He decided to stay anyway (after a week or two of moodiness), so I’m not sure what to do. I just want to figure out how to bring up his behaviour with him without hurting him.
Post # 15
Also, one of the reasons that I find his behaviour strange is that I’ve not known men to behave like this. My exes never behaved like this, and nor do my friends’ partners.
I’ve only ever seen women act like this (overly affectionate, clingy, etc), so maybe that’s another reason that I find this all extremely strange.