Post # 46
Do you have to always DO something together? Can’t you just “hang out” att the same place ? You do your things and he does his? That’s what me and my SO does all days all week, haha.. we live together though, but that’s exactly what I have done with all of my exes, that I never lived together with, too!
Maybe you can come up with that sort of arrangenent as a compromise? he might even feel that he “has to” come up with things to do to have a “reason” to get you to hang out with him…? Even though just time together is, possibly, what he really would want from you? Like couple-time with no pressure to do anything particular!? Like when two people live together.
Post # 47
bibilicious : Thank you; yes, that would be a lot better- being together without the pressure of having to actually do something together.
Post # 48
cmsgirl : MTE! The whole “he wants to spend the entire weekend with me and not just part of it…” isn’t that a natural evolution in most relationships? At least relationships that progress? I don’t think that makes him clingy, I think it just means he and OP are on different pages.
Post # 49
elena91 : ive been in a similar situation with my honey. When I had my own apartment, before we moved in together, I didn’t like when he would come over every night and spend Friday and Saturday night with me. I felt suffocated. So I communicated my concerns to him in a kind and honest manner and he understood. So then we spent less week nights together and when we made plans on the weekend, we actually made plans instead of him just hanging around all day. It worked out 🙂 And now that we live together we are pretty independent so it works out. I think the key here is good communication.
Obvious warning signs is when you communicate your needs and he rejects you or acts hurt.
Saying you need space isn’t rejecting him it’s just saying you need mental breathing room for yourself so you have a change to miss them. If he doesn’t understand, to me, this would be a red flag.
Post # 50
So how much time do you spend with him?
When you are with him what do you do with him?
What don’t you like about the interactions?
Post # 51
Honestly when I moved in with my – by some standards – “clingy” boyfriend (now husband) it made it so much easier on both of us. We could just be around each other without having to schedule things in. We could do our own thing in the same space.. it just worked so much better for both of us. He felt more secure because I was around all the time, and I wasn’t exhausted all of the time from constant plans and activities. Again – I’m a major introvert and need head space and down time.
You don’t have to move in though to start testing that out and see if it works for you guys. Can you try to find some solo activities you can do in tandem? (As an example I often draw and paint while he cooks, or we read books, one of us plays video games while the other does some kind of chore etc).
Then you can start to see whether you’re actually incompatible or if you can both find a way to get what you need from the relationship – and you both need to get what you need from it for it to be healthy and work long term.
Post # 52
Supersleuth : He travels a fair bit due to the nature of his work, so he’s away two to three days every fortnight, but to make up for this, he wants to spend all his evenings and the whole weekend with me. Earlier, he used to hang out with his friends on Friday evenings and sometimes midweek, but now he wants to spend even this time with me.
So it’s nearly every evening, unless one of us is working late, and the weekend.
What do we do? Well, lots of things really. We both enjoy sports, so often play tennis together, go for long walks and sit for a few hours in coffee shops when there’s time. We sometimes go hiking on weekends, and to the cinema every couple of weeks. When we are at my place or his, again, we tend to watch films and sports together and sometimes play board games.
The things that gets on my nerves is that he does not give me space. When I’m trying to do something like reading, he actually sits down next to me and starts reading the book with me. Don’t even see the point of this. On weekends, when he’s really caught up with work and is at home engrossed in work, he still keeps asking me to stay with him at his place while he’s totally busy, when I suggest that I shoud be getting on with other things that I have to do. And he wants to tag along whenever I go to see old friends and family. Another thing is that, while I enjoy going for day trips sometimes, he tends to want me to accompany him far too often, and I find this tiring.
Post # 53
wolfeyes : I can see why moving in together might work, because yes, then you can be around the person but without the pressure of planning things to do together. I acutally think this might work better for us.
Post # 54
elena91 : Okay, this gives me a better idea of whether you are being reasonable.
Yes, it sounds like he is crowding you.
To be honest, when people get married they do spend a great deal of time around each other. Otherwise there really isn’t much point in getting married. But I don’t think that you are at this stage in your relationship. You are at the point where you are contemplating living together – which is a big move.
The thing is that relationships can only progress at the rate of the slowest (in relationship terms) person of the couple. One member of the couple can’t force the other to be closer or more intimate or more enthusiastic. It has to occur naturally, if it is going to occur at all, and can’t be hurried. Trust and comfortableness and ease in each other’s company take different amounts of time for different people. If a person has spent a lot of time being very independent and self-sufficient it’s maybe going to take longer. It’s the same for people who have had trust issues because of previous bad relationships, either as adults or children.
However there has to be a balance. Quite a few people on this site seem to be in relationships that have got too comfortable where they are with people who don’t pay attention to them. This is bad because they are being taken for granted. But at the same time it’s bad if a person has to barricade themselves in a locked bathroom in order to have a moment to themselves.
Nor should being a couple mean that the two people stop being individuals in their own right. You need to maintain interests of your own. You need to have friends who are your own friends. Not every friendship or event has to be a couple friendship or event.
So you need to have a big talk with your boyfriend before deciding to move in. It may be that a mathematical approach is needed. It may be that you need a certain number of nights per week to do your own thing – meeting friends, joining a club or practical things like doing the washing. It may be that a certain number of weekends you plan non-couple things. But the main thing is that you sit down and talk about it. It may be that your boyfriend needs reassurance that you love him and once he has that he can relax more. It may be that you have to be very clear about your boundaries. It may be that you have not only to plan non-couple things but fully commit to couple things when they occur.
Moving in will either work or it won’t. It may make things more relaxed but you may find that you are barricading yourself in the bathroom. The thing is that you won’t know unless you try it.
You might want to have an official “trial period” to see if it works before you sign a lease.
[On a slightly different tack, you might want to discuss finances and splitting the chores before you move in. I’m astonished at how many women on this site seem to suffer from “Stepford Wives Syndrome” and do all the housework and cooking. You sound pretty independent so I’m hoping that you are not one of these women.]
Post # 55
Supersleuth : Yes, I’ll discuss how we share responsibilities with him beforehand.
He’s usually happy to share tasks; even helps me around my place.
But since I’ll be moving to his place as he owns his flat and I’m renting, it’s better to have a chat beforehand.
Post # 56
You don’t sound compatible for the long-term.
I am what you consider the typical overly affectionate and clingy female. I had exs who couldn’t stand me and felt exhausted after a while. What they say sounds a lot like what you said. It’s not their or your fault. It’s a compatibility issue. I’m now 24 and engaged to someone who even after 3 years would happily spend every waking moment with me and see me “invested in the relationship” instead of “exhausting”.
What’s concerning is you’re not able to give him what he wants anytime soon and not even sure if you ever want kids (which he definitely wants, it’s literally the reason to get married), but you choose to stay with him because “things are years away still”, it doesn’t really affect you, and you’d rather waste his time and watch him trying his best to win you over by acting like a good husband helping you with groceries and spending weekends with you (which most wives would die for)
This relationship sounds like a trainwreck waiting to happen.
Post # 57
I agree it seems like you are not compatible. Nothing wrong with either of you, but you both just need to find someone who feels the same way.
Post # 58
jocelynxw : He knows very well that I’m uncertain about marriage and kids, but chose to stay with me, too. I’ve not mislead him or hidden how I feel.
Post # 59
It sounds to me like he’s not getting enough of you to meet his needs and you might like to consider moving in together. There’s a lot to be said for spending nights together sleeping in the same bed. You spend automatic time together. It’s completely up to you whether this is something you’d like to consider but it sounds like he loves you very much and it might be time to have some honest conversations about where the relationship is heading and expectations. If you have serious doubts though about marriage and kids please don’t lead him on and waste his time however….
Post # 60
He might have chosen to stay with you regardless, but he loves you! It would be devastating to see him hurt in 2-3 years when you still don’t want what he wants and you have to leave each other. You might need to do some soul searching on what you want?