Boyfriend pressuring me

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2068 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@ashyashy23:  yes and please please know that your sexuality belongs to you and only you. Don’t EVER let anyone make you feel ashamed about your choices whatever they are. His family sounds disgusting. They have no business having any opinion on what you find attractive. You have every right to be a strong independent wonderful woman who doesn’t accept guilt trips from ANYONE. 

What I am trying to say is, if YOU personally feel that waiting for sec until marriage is something you want to do for yourself than that’s great. But you shouldn’t be doing it for anyone else or because anyone else says it’s right or morally correct. Others opinions matter zero percent. And if you are doing it for religious reasons please remember that your relationship with God belongs to you only. And it’s only between you and God. No one else gets a vote or comment or opinion on it. And anyone trying to comment can be told just that. My faith and life choices are between me and God and they aren’t up for discussion. 

Post # 18
Member
10400 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@ashyashy23:  

I assume you are very young, maybe even still at high school. We have all had a bf who was the same sort of asshole as this and moved on from him. Glad to hear you have done the same. 

“Saving ” oneself for marriage is a foreign concept to me, but if you are serious and your reasons are thought-through and based on what you truly believe, then that is it and any future bf needs to accede to your requests. If l could add, particularly don’t give blow jobs as gifts to such as him . 

Post # 19
Member
961 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

Dear ashyashy23:  I have been thinking about your situation since I posted earlier, and I would like to add just a bit.

If you do go ahead with your plans to break up with him, as you mentioned in your update (and I hope you do), I also hope that this whole relationship will have been a learning experience for you.  You don’t have to accept crappy treatment from any man, nor should you.

And I understand that you’re mad at yourself for giving in to this man’s sexual demands.  But it doesn’t mean your plans to wait until marriage for sex are ruined.  It does mean that you must value yourself enough to have the courage of your convictions.  Be your true self in future relationships.  It’s the only way to go.

 

Post # 20
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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@msuttman8:  SO much of this!!! Read this a million times, OP. 

Post # 21
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

Uh. No. You have boundaries. You want to wait for marriage. He has two hands, I presume. He can handle himself. And I would tell him so. “You’re welcome to masturbate. I am not having sex until I am married.”

Personally, I would be done. But only you can decide when enough is enough. 

Post # 22
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

I’m backing up all the bees, who say dump him. I dated a guy at 17/18, who told me he didnt feel like we were very close like his best friend/his girlfriend because unlike them we werent having sex. I dated a new guy at 19 (we were both virgins) and he cheated on me with a handful of girl because “he really wanted it and he wouldnt have cheated if we were having sex”. I ended up having to get a restraining order against him. It’s your body and your choice.

Post # 23
Member
1931 posts
Buzzing bee

Dump him.

He goes back on his word.

He tells lies to his friends.

He pressures you for sex.

Three HUGE red flags right there.  As for the ’embarrassed’ comment, HE is the one who should feel embarrassed for pushing you to go further than you wanted and for using emotional blackmail to get his own way.

In future, don’t date any guy who pushes your boundaries like this.  If you are upfront about wanting to save sex for marriage, a decent guy will either break up with you because he doesn’t agree with you, or else he will support you in keeping those boundaries.  Anyone who says ‘if you really love me you’ll have sex with me’ doesn’t know what love is.  The first time a guy tries to do something you’re not happy with, tell him.  And if he keeps pushing for it, finish with him.

It’s becoming really uncommon to wait for marriage now, but if this is what you want to do, then stick to your principles.  There are men out there (and I mean men, not spoiled bratty little boys like your boyfriend) who will respect your wishes and even agree with them.  My husband and I waited for marriage to have sex, and it was a mutual decision.  He never pressured me or made me feel uncomfortable in any way when we were dating.  And that is how it should be in any relationship, whether the couple are waiting for marriage or not.  

Post # 24
Member
2309 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

 

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@ashyashy23:  He then proceeds to tell me that it is embarrassing I won’t have sex with him since he has told his friend we were and now he has to tell him we aren’t.

 

Well sure. He should be embarrassed. Actually, he should be ashamed of himself.

 

Pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do, that you’ve made it clear you don’t want to do, is wrong on many levels. Emotionally stable, mature men do not behave this way. There is no way this ends well for you if he is so comfortable ignoring your boundaries and is already so jealous (you can’t look at men playing baseball? seriously? while watching the game?). Not only that, but he rallies his family against you when you have a disagreement. Not cool.  Leave this relationship now.

Post # 25
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Please end the relationship ASAP. He is not a nice guy and isn’t treating you with respect. There are so many guys out there that will respect you. 

Post # 26
Member
2881 posts
Sugar bee

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@ashyashy23:  This guy isn’t right for you. He doesn’t share your morals, and he doesn’t want to wait for marriage. This is a huge thing to disagree on. You’re incompatible.

Also, your boyfriend is lying to you to convince you to give in. My husband had had sex with previous girlfriends, and I told him I wanted to wait and he was willing to wait for me and never pressured me. I know couples who waited, and I know couples who didn’t even kiss until the altar. So, no, not every guy would pressure you. Your bf is also being insanely immature to tell his friends you’re having sex and feeling the need to brag like that and then feeling embarrassed to admit he lied. 

Break up with this loser. 

Post # 27
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

I very rarely say “dump him” on forums because in the vast, vast majority of cases, the answer isn’t to dump your partner. Most issues can be worked out with some compromise and communication. However, this isn’t one of these cases. In this relationship, you should leave him because he is being extremely manipulative. You both sound very young. A guy should NEVER pressure you into doing something you’re not comfortable with. Those are one of the few reasons where “leave him” is a reasonable first response. 

My boyfriend and I were 22 and 24 when we met (3 years ago). It took us 7 months to start touching each other intimately (more than just kissing and cuddling if you know what I mean) and over 9 months to have sex. We were each others firsts and had a lot of anxiety. But he NEVER even remotely pushed me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with. If he wanted to move the relationship forward physically, he would say something like “if it’s okay with you, maybe we could try X tonight? No pressure of course! I completely understand if you’re not ready yet”. Your partner should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS respect your boundaries. This is the very first trait that a partner should have.

  • This reply was modified 1 month, 4 weeks ago by elphy94.
Post # 29
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2021 - London, UK

It seems you have already made up your mind but like other bees I just have to comment on this:

BIN HIM. I am not even going to be nice about this or balance any sensitivities on his side. He is a manipulative a**hole. He is emotionally and socially manipulative. He ‘needs’ to now tell his friend that the two of you are not having sex?! He doesn’t NEED to tell his friend anything and using social embarassment as a manipulation tool is scummy. He is also relying on your apparent relationship naivety (how old are you guys by the way? and have you been in a relationship before?) to mould your views on relationships to suit his sexual needs. Grr…I’m getting angry! 

The phrases ‘If you love me you would…’, ‘ This is what every other couple do…’, ‘If you don’t do x, you must not love me.’ and various permutations of that theme should NEVER enter into your decision making. Screw what everyone else does. Every single relationship on the planet is different and you must only do what you want to do at any given point in time. It doesn’t mean that you won’t change your mind or shift your comfort zones over time but YOU ALONE dictates when that happens. Also the opinion of others shouldn’t impact these decisions. 

The rest of his behaviour is just immaturity. You seem to be holding strong – continue to do so. Keep exploring your reasons for wanting/not wanting to do certain things with yourself. If there are absolute reasons then you stick to your guns. If there are moveable ideals then going forward these can serve as areas of compromise but only you need to know this or decide on what these goalposts are. 

Move forward and find someone that is compatible with your ideals. The moment there is friction around the ‘non-negotiables’ as you have determined them, move on. Simple. 

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