- 2 years ago
- Wedding: October 2019
Some of you will remember my first post to this forum a couple years back, when my then-fiance blindsided me with a devastating breakup out of the blue:
So many of you gave me wonderful advice back then and really helped me get through a difficult situation. I would love some perspective on the issue I’m dealing with now.
As a general update on me, I’m 34 now. I moved to a new city after my breakup a couple of years ago and I’ve been really happy with my life since then. This city has a lot to offer in terms of having a social life, it’s closer to my family, and I found a job that is helping me to grow in my profession. After moving here I spent a year and a half enjoying new friendships and focusing on work. About 10 months ago, I met and started dating my current boyfriend. I felt completely healed from the devastation and heartbreak I’d experienced a year and half earlier.
Current boyfriend is opposite of my last one – he is from Germany, has traveled the world, lives away from his family and likes it that way, and is very ambitious with his career. He is amazing to me in soooo many ways. We’ve taken several weekend trips together, and he has traveled to meet my family several times now. He treats me (and my dog!) like pure gold. He has planned and paid for a 2-week trip to Germany in September (around our 1-year anniversary) so that I can meet his family, and a few clues have made me think he might propose while we’re there. He has completely brought this topic up on his own (i.e. asking what kind of ring I would like) without my pushing it or even bringing it up at all. We’ve discussed moving in together in November when his lease is up. So basically, I’ve been on Cloud 9 since I met him, believing that relationship heartbreak is over for me and I’m finally getting my happy ending.
BF told me in the beginning of our relationship that he never really wanted kids, and never even really wanted to get married, but being with me changed all that for him and now he was perfectly happy thinking about marrying me and for the first time could envision having a family with someone. I let him know from the beginning that children were a deal-breaker for me, so please let me know if a few months go by and he was still feeling like he didn’t want kids. Over the course of the relationship, it’s come up a few times and always in such a way that he’s fine with having kids – although he does admit to some nervousness about the life changes they bring. We’ve never discussed a number but it’s always been with the term childREN and I’ve even said to him in the past that if we could only conceive 1 naturally, I’d like to adopt a second one because having more than one is important to me. He has not raised any concerns over this – until two nights ago.
We were out at dinner and I casually said something about “a couple of kids” and he responded with “how about just one.” This prompted a conversation about how the idea of more than child really freaks him out. He went on to say that it was a big deal for him to come around to the idea of having 1 child and now the idea of 2 is really really difficult for him. This all really surprised me as we’ve been dating for 10 months and discussed children several times, yet it was a casual comment made over dinner that prompted this big explosion. I don’t know if/when he would have brought this up on his own – after getting engaged? After getting married? For those that are familiar with my backstory, this is a REALLY big deal to me.
We talked it over again yesterday but didn’t really get anywhere, and the way it all ended made me feel like we were headed for a breakup. I am in complete panic mode right now. I do NOT want to lose this guy, but I also feel uncomfortable with compromosing something I’ve always wanted, for reasons that don’t really compel me (he just says that two kids is ‘a lot’ and will delay being able to travel, retire, etc.). I think he is still open to the idea of having 1 child naturally and then adopting an older child, which IS something I’d like to do, it just worries me to agree to those terms right now. I’m concerned about agreeing to that, then getting pregnant later and falling in love with the experience and feeling sad that I’m not “allowed” to do it again. His mind could change too, but what if it doesn’t?
Bees, what do you think? Is this a silly thing to end a relationship over? I’m 34 years old. Should I just be happy to have met a great guy that wants a child with me? What if we break up and the next great guy has the same issues, or doesn’t want children at all? There’s no guarantee that I will find someone in time to have the family that I envision. Is this a compromise I can make for him and still be happy?
I’m sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent and get my feelings out. Any advice from you lovely ladies is welcome and appreciated!