Boyfriend says he only wants 1 child and it's a dealbreaker – advice?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

You have to go with what you want in life, but for me, there is no way I would end a great relationship over having 1 vs. more children, but that’s just me.  If it was no kids vs. having kids, that would be a different story.  If it were me, I would be happy with having one and see what happens after.  He may decide that he wants more than one later.  If he went from not wanting kids to now wanting at least one, he may change his mind later, but if you do end up marrying him you would have to be sure that you would be ok with just one in case that’s what happens.  Don’t go into marriage hoping you can change him. You might decide YOU don’t want more than one after having one.  It’s so hard to say.  I’m 34 weeks with my first now and having some issues with my pregnancy so I think we will be “one and done”.  I’m also a bit older, almost 38, and the thought of having a baby after 40 just isn’t for me, but who knows.  Maybe I will change my mind.

Good luck!

Post # 3
Member
4018 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think only you know your deal breakers and what will make you happy. He seems like he has already compromised by going from a stance of “no children” to being open to one. Are you willing to compromise your stance of “children” for a “child”? It is ok if you arent because both yours and his feelings are valid. I would examine why you are opposed to only one child. He has already given you valid reasons why he doesn’t want more than one. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker. 

Post # 4
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

What happens if you got pregnant with twins? Is he going to make you choose one?

Post # 7
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

View original reply
doglovingbee :  I can totally see where your boyfriend is coming from regarding age.  I wouldn’t stress about it too much but also don’t disregard it either.  Your timeline seems really close to mine.  We got married when I was 36 and as I said, I’ll be almost 38 when our baby is born.  It would be pretty physically demanding to have multiple kids starting at that age having them close together.  I was thinking 2 but like I said, I think now we will only have one.  Another thing to consider is that it might take some time for you to get pregnant with your first (hopefully it won’t!).  I think it’s great that you are both open to adopting an older child after having one.  It doesn’t sound like you’re too far off so a bit of compromise might work out well.   Who knows, maybe you will get lucky and have twins 🙂

Post # 8
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
doglovingbee :  please dont’ take this the wrong way but it’s all very well that you may want to have two kids but how do you know that you won’t find one enough? Maybe the child will be difficutl to deal with, you may have medical issues, financial issues whatever. I certainly don’t wish any of that on you, I am just saying that life happens, don’t stress. You’re not even pregnant with your first yet you know you’ll want two? My  sister’s husband used to be all super excited about them having a lot of kids (ideally 3+), now they have two and they doubt they’ll want more (mainly due to unexpected financial issues but also because they have been finding the reality of parenthood really difficult to deal with despite the initial enthusiasm). He also comes from a large family hence the reason why he wanted to have a lot of kids too. Not anymore.

I’d say that if your boyfriend it otherwise great in every other aspect, don’t break up with him. Men who treat women (and their pets:-) like gold don’t come around all that often:-)

Post # 9
Member
3975 posts
Honey bee

Listen to what he is saying and believe him.  If you want more than one kid and that is nonnegotiable, you need to move on.  

If you can find happiness with him and the potential of one kid, then stay.  

Post # 10
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

View original reply
londongeocity :  yas!  You gotta hang on to a good man when you find one!

Don’t throw away a great thing over this.  He’s already shown you that he’s capable of evolving, questioning his own opinions, having a vulnerable conversation about things that scare him…those are amazing qualities to discover in a man, don’t write him off for being honest with you – that’s what every woman wants!  He’s already compromised so much of his initial belief system, he decided he wants to marry you without being nagged, he started to think maybe one kid wouldn’t be so bad…if you acknowledge his feelings, his fears, and work with him to brainstorm solutions, he will be much more receptive to your desires.  Ask him exactly what scares him about children, but ask it calmly, lovingly..not aggressively.  If it’s money, what compromises can you both make to help him feel safer?  I don’t think that it’s that he doesn’t think having kids would be fun and awesome, he’s just not naive to the enormous responsibility.  That’s a whole extra mouth to feed.  Attempt to see obstacles through his perspective and he will mirror that same effort.

Post # 12
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

If you are 34 and really happy with this guy, I think you should try to agree to have one child to start with and then decide what to do as a couple.  There are so many factors, like whether or not you are able to have that child quickly or it could take years.  After you have one child, you might

a) agree to try to have another child right away to prevent a big delay to your travel or retirement plans

b) decide to just have the one child

c) decide to adopt another child

It sounds like your boyfriend has been open minded and willing to compromise in the past.  There is a chance that he will love being a father and want more, and you will have a difficult pregnancy/birth and want to stop at one.  These are hard things to predict.  I have one child with my husband right now, and we both always have wanted two.  If for some reason we are unable to have another, it really wouldn’t change how happy I am about our family.  But, you know yourself, and if you would never be happy with just one, then maybe compromise is not right for you in this case.

Post # 13
Member
3353 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

View original reply
doglovingbee :  i mean, i think no kids vs any kids is a dealbreaker…but how many kids is so much more fluid. It’s very hard for ANYONE to really know how many children they want until they have any at all. I can’t tell you the number of friends i had who want several then had one and decided that was enough – and those who said one and now have decided on continuing. To me, numbers aren’t dealbreakers. You have an idea about what the perfect number is but life is so much more complicated than that. I think the biggest thing in a marriage is openness. You have to be honestly willingly to consider and be open to just one; and i think he needs to be open to maybe more than one. I think as long as you both decide you’re going to be open and just see how it goes…then you’ll be fine. 

Post # 14
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee

You need to decide if you’d be happy if you only ever had one child.  If you can’t say ‘yes’ to that, then you need to move on.

Post # 15
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Here’s the thing: at 34 by the time you meet, marry, get pregnant, have baby #1 with a new guy and can safely conceive #2 with a new guy, #2 may no longer be an option.

What would make you happier: the man you’re with or the option of a second pregnancy that you may or may not even want when the time comes?

Enjoy your pregnancy and treat it as your last, because hell, even if you agree on #2 there’s no guarantee you’ll get pregnant again. Then if you agree on another it’s a bonus.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors