I’m going to voice an opposition right here to most of the “get out of dodge” advice, simply because it’s really easy to call someone on bad behavior, but we have no idea what regular day to day life is like for you guys. This sounds like a major stress period for you both, and I’ve alway read that you shouldn’t make big decisions like leaving a relationship, even in cases of extreme cheating, until you’ve had at least a month or two to consider things when you’re able to find a less emotional time to mull things over.
I’m pretty sure there’s a lot of redeeming qualities about your SO that make you want to try to work on this relationship AND marry him, so I know simply telling you to leave is not going to help you. I will state that this only if he’s not belittling you constantly in an abusive manner (making sexist comments isn’t abusive – it’s rude and there is a difference – I’ll get to that) or physically abusing you – if that happens, then by all means your best choice is counseling of some sort, either together or individual.
I think it sounds like you’re in a “argument” cycle right now, where both of you are poking each other’s sensitive nerves. He’s probably a bit stressed about his “deadline” coming up in about 4 mos according to your other posts. You’re living together, but I’m not sure how long tha’ts been, and if it’s pretty recent, you may have hit the “OMG, I’m just getting to know this person entirely at least” stage. I’m not excusing his behavior, I’m just saying that with ANY living arrangements there is stress, be it parents and gorwn kids, roommates and SOs – you WILL push each other’s buttons. Add to that a prevalence in our society to trivialize “emotional” reactions to things, the idea (thanks to some Bridezillas) that woemn only want a ring and a white dress and they guy could be anyone, possible meltdowns of the OPs which only reinforce that idea, and then the day to day irritations two people can cause for each other and you end up in argument limbo about silly, insignificant things that turn into major blow ups – like interupting a phone conversation. It asn’t the phone incident that made him storm out. It’s just another irritation piled on top of everything else you’re trying to work through.
My SO is very bad about blanket statements about women, too. I know exaclty why he does it, he had a pretty assertive (sometimes controlling) mom and older sister. He’s the middle kid in a female dominsted family with a dad who acquieses to almost all his wife’s wishes, no matter how it inconviniences him, hurts him or so on. Also, a lot of women we’ve met are “princesses”, who brag about how men exist to buy them things and then can be changed weekly. He’s had a lot of bad experiences with women, so I understand when he starts ranting, and usally just let him get it out, as I know I”m not doing what he’s talking about, and that in a few minutes the verbal diarehha will be over and he’ll be done. It’s similar to how woemn who were abused have plenty to say about how “all” men are controlling abusers, just waiting to use violence. We all know that all men are not abusers, jut as I’m sure your SO knows that all women aren’t greedy gold diggers or worse.
Not to sound like Freud, but how is your BF’s relationship with his parents, particularly his mom? What is his birth order? Was he the kinda spoiled youngest, the super responsible oldest, or the forgotten middle child like my SO? Some people, men AND women really don’t have good coping skills for disagreements. My SO takes any argument as a personal slight – he got upset once that i like my eggs cooked differently than him (he thought I hated his cooking – his sister criticizes his cooking, so it’s a sore spot). I know how he deals with things, and I CAN see that hes been working on things and honestly he’s made progress. I was physically and emotionally abused as a child, and I can say that my BFs temper tantrums are not the same thing. It’s just his poor way of dealing with frustration – no one taught him how to react as a child, and he’s behind as an adult. I realize that when the tea pot blows its spout, most of what comes out is ridiculous exaggeration and its not what he’d say in a rational state of mind, so I kinda blow it off until he clasm down, and then we can work together on the problem.
I’m not with him because he’s a perfect person, and it’s not realistic to expect anyone to be. You and your SO both need to come to terms with how you feel about each other’s faults – you are upset at how he’s been addressing you about “over anylizing”, and he’s upset with you for not just letting it rest (sometimes you can’t solve things by talking it over and over… you need to find a way to spend some GOOD time together witout mentioning anything for a few day. Picking at the wound (“over analyizing”) will never give it a chance to scab over, and you’re just telling him her’s right – you over analyze everything. I hope this makes sense and I’m not coming down on anyone, I just think we have expectations of people to behave perfectly all the time, and once someone reveals their angry self, which is a natural part of them, modern society tells you to ditch them becuse they can’t manage their emotions perfectly all the time. We’re not Vulcans. That said, I hope you can break the cycle and look at your recent exchanges and decide if this is abusive, contrcutive criticism, or just him venting about one topic because another is weighing on his mind, and then decide if this is still the relationship you want forever. I hope things go well for you either way.