Boyfriend says we will discuss marriage closer to when we plan to start a family

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2834 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

cremecaramel :  yeah no,  absolutely don’t move in.  Also,  when something will be further discussed is not his unilateral decision!  3 years in as you are now I would be pumping the brakes on this relationship period and probably move on.  You want different things, don’t minimize that or play yourself here by moving in.  

Post # 3
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

How nice that he can dictate his needs (no discussion about marriage until ready to start a family) and you just accept it, instead of him listening to your needs and y’all compromising. 

Id tell him I’m not willing to discuss moving in with him unless we’re ready to get married. 

Post # 4
Member
4057 posts
Honey bee

Oh dear, or should I say hell no! Another one of “those” men. The ones who are fine with having baby mamas but dont want to be married.  Look, this is very bad news. He doesnt even want to discuss it until you’re closer to having kids? Don’t ever move in with someone without making a concrete plan for marriage. I dont even like the idea of living together until you’re engaged and in your case I wouldn’t move in at all. This guy has all the earmarks of a time-waster. I’m sorry

And don’t be so quick to assume that being dumped has affected his view on marriage. It’s just as likely that it had no effect at all. Men happily change their views on marriage for the right woman, I’ve seen it SO MANY times. They date a woman for years, are very ambivalent about marriage, dont even want to discuss it, until a woman comes along that they really want. They know she won’t just hang around forever on empty promises. That’s the one they marry.

Post # 5
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

You are allowed to change your mind and revisit that conversation. Your feelings and opinions on marriage are just as valid as his. Bring the topic up again and let him know that while you were ok with it before, you have decided you no longer are. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

If you move in with him now, you’re sending a message that you’re okay with the status quo: you don’t mind being bf/gf indefinitely and discussing the timeline of your life when *he* feels like it.

If that’s not what you’re hoping to communicate, then this is your time to stand firm. You need to get on the same page before moving ahead with this guy.

Post # 7
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

So this guy feels he can dictate when you are allowed to even discuss your future together?  But in the mean time he wants to live together and make babies?  Yeah, no. 

Post # 8
Member
8831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

cremecaramel :  “Am I being naive in moving in with him?” — Yes, I’m sorry to say I think so. He is ass backwards and moving in together is not going to make this better. At you guys’ age, 3 years should be enough time to know if marriage is on the horizon. I would move on, not in. Let him string someone else along.

Post # 9
Member
6447 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

This man doesn’t want to marry you, and he likely won’t. Don’t move in with him and DON’T get pregnant. Move on, and do it now. Yes, the two of you have views that may be fundamentally incompatible; yes, he is dictating the terms of the relationship. But the biggest issue is that HE DOESN’T WANT TO MARRY YOU. If he wanted to marry you, children would have nothing to do with it.

Post # 10
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

sunburn :  “And don’t be so quick to assume that being dumped has affected his view on marriage. It’s just as likely that it had no effect at all. Men happily change their views on marriage for the right woman, I’ve seen it SO MANY times. They date a woman for years, are very ambivalent about marriage, dont even want to discuss it, until a woman comes along that they really want. They know she won’t just hang around forever on empty promises. That’s the one they marry.”

This is so true! I’ve seen this time and again and in one case the guy (my cousin) kept going on about how marriage is a piece of paper and lived with his then girlfriend for 7 years, together for 9 years in total (!).

As soon as another woman who he had a thing for years ago (but she was not single then) became single, he dumped his live in girlfriend (gave some other reason but many of us knew he was interested in this other woman) and asked out that woman. He got married to her three years later. So it wasn’t a piece of paper anymore.

Post # 11
Member
8831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

cremecaramel :  Also, everyone has had their heart broken at some point. 99% of those people go on to get married. Someone dumping him once is a lame excuse for refusing to discuss marriage.

Post # 12
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee

cremecaramel :  so basically he only cares about marrying you because he knows you won’t carry his spawn without it. yeah, no. 

Post # 13
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

1. I think it’s important to try living together before to make sure you’re compatible

2. Don’t live with, marry, and DEFINITELY don’t have children with a guy who thinks it’s ok to unilaterally dictate your mutual future. 

Just because you agreed to something doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind. This guy is stringing you along, deflecting and delaying. I agree 3 years is enough time, and 31 is old enough to know. He is clearly not over his past. 

If you live with him, it will be harder for you to leave if you must. If you have children with him, and you’re not married, you may have to chase him down to prove paternity and get child support. 

It is always a red flag to me when a man is ok with having children without marriage. It tells me he wants the ego boost of showing off his virility without having to commit. Some men have nothing else going on in their lives and they see it as a status symbol to have many baby mommas and babies. Marriage offers you and any children legal protection.

You seem level headed and you know what you want. Stop wasting your time. Him saying he’ll discuss marriage when it’s time to discuss babies is sheer and utter crap. He knows how to shut you up. Are you going to waste more years on this guy, marriage just out of reach, and finally have a baby with him as you fear your fertility is slipping away, and in the hopes a baby will bring a ring?

Just no. Go read the Waiting boards. Learn from the mistakes of others.

Post # 14
Member
12127 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Do not move in without a commitment and a clear timeline to marriage. Obviously anything could happen if you have never lived together, but at 31 years of age and after three years together, if he’s not ready now he never will be. Let him know you value yourself and your time too much to deal with his issues. 

Post # 15
Member
734 posts
Busy bee

cremecaramel :  

I think you need to be much more assertive here.

There is no reason on God’s beautiful green earth why you cannot discuss marriage well in advance of deciding to have children. From your point of view, given that you will not have children without being married, it makes total sense, so why on earth are you accepting it when he says the two of you won’t discuss it?

It doesn’t work like that. Marriage is a topic which should be able to be freely and openly discussed in a relationship, first in general terms, then in terms which become more specific as the relationship progresses. For one partner to say the topic is off the table, as if it were religion or politics at a dinner party, is totally unacceptable.

I agree that you should hold off on moving in together for now. I think you should take some time to think about what you really want for your life, goals, as well as approximate timelines of when you’d like to achieve these. For a woman who wants to have children, this is smart. Communicate these to your boyfriend. Insist on finding some common ground, or at least ongoing discussions about it in the coming months. If he refuses or won’t talk about it or cooperate, I think you need to tell him that you need time to think about your life and where this relationship fits in, or if it fits in. Be calm and strong about it. Give him a chance to get on board, but don’t give it too long.

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