Boyfriend says we will discuss marriage closer to when we plan to start a family

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
1567 posts
Bumble bee

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ecrisrien :  Could you clarify? One could consider thinking of marriage “only as a precursor to kids” as a red flag.

Post # 34
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

And now the Bee has gone bonkers on my end and I can’t actually see if I posted that. Fuck. I’m being plagued by gremlins today!

Post # 34
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

Time warp! This is what I was trying to post:

Thanks, OP, good to know. I ask because people have different opinions about what marriage is actually for. Some see it as more of a legal consideration than a confirmation of commitment or emotional attachment. Maybe not such a romantic perspective, but practical. My parents did something similar (they dated longterm until they decided to start trying for kids, then got married, then I came along). I don’t think they would have gotten married at all if they hadn’t wanted to have children right away. It’s a perfectly valid approach—if both parties agree that it’s what they want, of course. 

So, (and forgive me if I’m being dense here but I’ve had a long day!), it’s more of a question of his reluctance to discuss marriage sooner as opposed to later than of his wanting to start a family outside of marriage? You have made it clear that having kids out of wedlock is a no-go for you (totally get that!), but is just postponing the discussion until you guys come to a concrete agreement about a timeline for TTC also a non-starter for you (also a perfectly valid position)?

Have you guys ever discussed what marriage means to you and whether those ideals are compatible? So far the most disturbing thing I’m hearing from this post is the way he seems to just assume all ways are his way and that your input isn’t relevant. No one has the right to dictate your future, and if your fundamental feelings about marriage are at odds with his, there is no shame in addressing that and making the decision to look elsewhere for what you need. 

Post # 35
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

“He wants to talk closer to having kids,” listen, this is not a rational thing, this is a ridiculous thing and you know it.

Post # 36
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

But you can’t get closer to having children if he won’t marry you. Your positions are in diametric opposition. Or, to put it another way, what bullshit.

Post # 38
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Has he said when he wants to have kids? Is this a in the next 2 years I want kids or someday maybe in 10 years I’ll have kids.

Post # 40
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

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cremecaramel :  So basically his marriage to you would mean nothing to him unless you have his kid. Marriage should be about your commitment to each other – not about just having kids. You deserve someone who wants to be married to you, not just married to the woman who agrees to have his kid. Kids will only put more pressure on your relationship so if that’s the only reason he would marry you, what happens when you need to support each other through the difficulties of having kids? What if conceiving isn’t as easy as you planned, what is he going to do then? Sorry bee, I just think you deserve to be married to someone who wants to be with you no matter what your future holds.

Post # 41
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

cremecaramel :  So he wants to have kids at 34-35 which would make you 30-31. When do you want to have kids?

Is it impossible to say to him. “I want to move in with you and take the next step in our relationship but in order to do that I need us to have a plan for the future. Us moving in together needs to mean something and not just be convienient. Marriage and kids is important to me and discussing our future only when we are ready to have kids doesn’t work for me.” Know what you are comfortable doing. Is he really willing to compromise and get married? Or does he honestly plan to drag it out forever and his aim to eventually convince you you don’t need to be married or knock you up.

You are both compromising for this relationship. You want to get married. He doesn’t. Not talking about timelines and marriage and a wedding for FOUR YEARS! What if you don’t agree then. Then you wasted four years paying a mortgage together and building a life to start over at 31 when you have known since 27 you were majorly compromising what you wanted for him. Talk and see if you agree.

To me it seems pretty simple to make a plan.. if you want to TTC in three years. What are you comfortable with? I am willing to live with you for six months before getting engaged and want to be engaged for 6 months before we are married. So I can move in in two years. Are you willing to wait?

Post # 42
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

So he would be happy with just having babies and not marrying you? Wow. Your good enough to produce his off spring but not good enough to be his wife. What a piece of work. When a person has it in their mind to never get married and then they find their forever love you would be surprised how their mind changes. And he is going to dictate to you when you guys are going to talk about it. Do you not see any red flags here? They my not be major but they are there. I don’t know bee it seems like you two have different outlooks on the future. And it seems like it is his way or no way. 

Post # 43
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee

Had to create an account to just to comment on this thread since it angers me so much.

First lets examine the title: “We will talk about”. Who is he to determine when you will talk about what will potentially happen to YOUR body? This language alone would’ve led me to cancel the man on the spot. What are you, some sort of prize cow he’s going to breed? Wait–he’s still *thinking* about it, so it’s not certain. 

Look, this is simply a tactic to a) push marriage further into the future, or oblivion (which he may or may want for reasons that are divorced from the reasons why he previous relationships ended) b) have his cake and eat it too. If you move in, he will recieve all the benefits of a marriage without the commitment and–topping on the cake–a child while you wait for a committment that will never come. 

Also: Please do not mistake moving in as the next logical step to marriage. Lots of women incorrectly think it is. It is statistically proven that moving in together does not influence a couple’s timeline in terms of getting engaged more quickly. You have to talk about what you want, which leads to my next point. 

There are billions–literally billions–of people in the world. He is ONE of them. DO NOT be afraid to lose him. Why is losing HIM more scary to you than losing YOURSELF?? You do not have A soulmate in the world; you have millions of men who could potentially be your soulmate. Don’t move in with this guy, too scared that no one else can and will love you. It’s a mental trap, a dilusion. 

I say all this as a single woman who’s still dating and trying to find a suitable guy, months away from 30. But I will not take a man who will not accept what I want and who I am with both arms open. I suggest you do the same. 

Post # 44
Member
2886 posts
Sugar bee

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cremecaramel :  You want marriage, but your boyfriend has admitted he doesn’t. Essentially he’ll marry you to get you to bear his kids. If you’re unsuccessful in having children, will he divorce you?

if you want marriage, and he’s already admitted he doesn’t, then you have a fundamental incompatibility. This relationship is going to leave you both unhappy and unfulfilled. 

Post # 45
Member
8013 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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cremecaramel :  If you know you want children and therefore marriage don’t move in with a man who won’t even discuss marriage with you. 

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