(Closed) Boyfriend spends hundreds of dollars 'recklessly', can't 'afford' a ring.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I stopped reading after the part where you said he spent $300 on the Pokemon Go app. surprisedsurprised

Post # 3
Member
617 posts
Busy bee

If he is spending money like that he could easily put some money to the side for a ring.

Maybe he is saving, just wants to surprise you. 

Post # 4
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee

He can spend and save at the same time. Does he save any money? That should be your question.

Also, why are you “still in your 20’s, thankfully”?

Post # 5
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

[content moderated for name calling/personal attack]

Post # 6
Member
1918 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

alexanon :  He either makes really good money and is saving on the side…. however, I am doubting this.

OR he is a 15 year old traped in a 37 years old body and has no plans to marry anytime in the next 10 years.

You two need to sit and have a serious talk. Where do you see your relationship in 3 years? 5 years? Are you to living together now? If not, I would wait on that… If so, who pays those bills?

Honestly, you may need to really consider if you want a husband who sits and plays video games all day.

Post # 7
Member
2506 posts
Sugar bee

alexanon :  sure, it’s his money and he can spend it how he wants. HOWEVER, if you’ve made it important to you that you’d like to get married and want a ring, and he is still spending recklessly and says he can’t afford one, then he has clearly not made you needs a priority.

My first thought is that he’s not going to marry you. He’s sweet to you, but doesn’t want to marry you. He buys you other presents so that you can’t complain, but he has no intention of getting you an engagement ring, otherwise he could have nearly purchase one already with just that money he’s spent in he past week. 

Post # 8
Member
1010 posts
Bumble bee

37 and can’t afford it?  I’m out.

Post # 9
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

With the way he spends his money it sounds like he must make a very hefty salary, in which case I would imagine he can afford to buy you a ring whenever he wants and that he just isn’t of that mindset yet and is using “can’t afford it” as a cop out. In other words, I don’t think it’s the money that’s preventing him from buying you an engagement ring.

 

Oh and can he send me a hundred bucks worth of food? I could really use a pick me up 😉

Post # 10
Member
9982 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds like he could afford a ring if he wanted to.  Do you think it could be possible he’s saying that as an excuse or stalling?

Post # 11
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

My boyfriend is the same age as yours, and I am in my 20s as well. My boyfriend also can’t afford a ring now, but I feel his reasons are legitimate. Yes, he spends too much on eating out for lunch and what not, but so do I. Other than that he makes no large purchases for no reason, we just have a lot of expenses and he can’t afford to put anything aside right now. He is hoping to get me a ring by early next year, but if it doesn’t happen I would understand. 

That being said, if I was in your situation I would definitely be bothered. I would probably make comments, like when he gave you the dress, if I were you I would have said, “I love it, and you’re so sweet to surprise me with this, but I would much rather you return it and put that money in a special place towards a ring.” (I know that is bad haha but I would be getting pretty frustrated with all those purchases, especially picking up the tab for a whole table or buying food for the entire office or using a VALET at the MALL like come on who does that? Hahaha. He spends money like a teenager spends their money, when they have no real expenses or responsibilities and can just buy clothes and food and entertainment with 100% of their pay cheque haha.

Anyway, moral of the story your frustration is legit. Time to talk out some timelines and set some expectations! He clearly has the money he is just choosing to blow it.

Post # 12
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

Okay, I was all ready to be on your side here, but honestly your guy seems incredibly generous and romantic to me – hardly any of that money was spent on himself, and when he did buy the iTunes cards, he bought you the same so you could share! His love language is obviously gifting, so don’t frown on him for expressing his love and affection this way. (Honestly, ‘I prefer potted plants’? Girl!)

While it may be frustrating to watch him spend this money when he’s said he can’t afford the ring, do you definitely know he doesn’t have a ring fund? If so, you need to sit him down and tell him outright  that you love how generous and sweet he is for buying you these gifts and you appreciate the gesture, but that you would prefer that any money he’s thinking about spending on future gifts for you should go into the ring fund. Try to avoid making it sound like you’re telling him off for treating you! 

Do you have a timeline in place? Setting one out with him might help him see how much (or little!) he has to save for this ring and may curb his more reckless spending. 

Post # 13
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I’m torn on this. I truly feel like if it is his money, it is up to him how he spends it. I feel that way even married; as long as necessities are being covered (as in, his rent or mortgage is paid, his bills are paid, etc.), then the rest is his call. I also feel like he includes you in his spending so he’s not being 100% selfish.

However, one of two things is happening: either he is saving up and trying to distract you with other gifts, or, he truly can’t afford it due to his spending. If it’s the first, I guess you’ll find out? If it’s the second, then that’s problematic. Or, it could be neither and he’s stalling.

Regardless of what the reason is, I think the best thing to do is have a discussion with him about a reasonable timeline, about budgeting, and about how you guys see this all unfolding. 

Also…why “thankfully” are you still in your 20s? Like, do you have cold feet too? 

Post # 14
Member
14986 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If he’s spending like this regularly, yeah, that would bother me.  But not cause he’s not saving for a ring, just that’s he’s not saving in general for anything.  If he can “afford” to spend like that, he shouuld be able to “afford” a ring and *everything* else shoud be taken care of – retirement fund, savings, housefund, vacation fund..etc.  Random pointless spending liek that should be only be if it’s more than affordable.  If he makes 1000 a week and spends 950.  Problem.  I mean, if he made 5k a week and spent liek that, then not so much problem… .but if that were teh case.. the he should be able to afford a ring.  I could never be with a spender like that.  It’s nice to be with someone generous, but I liek a secure financial future too much.

And I’d start by returning that dress!  I would have a chewed his head off for even buying that for me!

Post # 15
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Have you guys discussed expectations for a ring? If you want a very large, very expensive one, or if he thinks you do, that would make the “I can’t afford it” argument a lot more reasonable. That being said, his spending habits are unlikely to ever change, I have s feeling, so that might be something to consider in and of itself. 

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