(Closed) Boyfriend spends hundreds of dollars 'recklessly', can't 'afford' a ring.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
407 posts
Helper bee

alexanon :  What kind of ring are you expecting?  $1k 5k 20k? Maybe he’s still saving at the same time he’s spending. 

Post # 17
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

If he wanted to buy you a ring, he’d buy you a ring.

Post # 19
5025 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

37 and playing Pokemon Go?

You need to talk with him about priorities.  Tell him thank you for the gifts but you much rather have that money go towards a ring.  I’m not sure you can stop him from being generous and treating his friends but you can turn down gifts he is offering you.  It doesn’t sound to me that he is on the same page as you.  Time for a serious talk.

ETA: I agree with PP, if he wanted to buy you a ring, he would buy you a ring.  Clearly he has the money.

Post # 20
511 posts
Busy bee

I think he either already has the money for your ring saved up … Or your ring is not a priority at this stage. It could be that maybe he thinks an ering should cost $20k and he needs more time to save? Where I grew up, most people’s erings cost $20k so a lot of men who have great salaries and go out will still say that they don’t have enough money for the ring because they are still saving for it

Post # 21
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

TBH I would rethink committing yourself to a person who spends so recklessly. Being on the same page about financies and spending habits is so important for marriage. Otherwise, be prepared to monitor him.

If he wanted to buy you a ring, he would save for it. He has other priorities, clearly.

Post # 23
1007 posts
Bumble bee

ladycirtolthiel :  “If he wanted to buy you a ring, he’d buy you a ring.”

This all day.

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Post # 24
3287 posts
Sugar bee

I would be less worried about a ring and be more worried about being married to someone who could get you into seriously financial trouble. If he does not have money for a ring I doubt later he will have money for a down payment on a house. Once you are married any bad credit will negatively affect yours. 

Post # 25
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I wouldn’t be okay with this either. I wouldn’t care if it was just an occasional thing, like maybe he picked up the tab for his friends because one of his friends did it last time, but then he makes sure not to make unneccessary expenses that week or two; or he gets you the dress that you love, but it’s because you’ve been feeling down lately, you have a specific event to wear it to, and he hasn’t bought you anything in a while. The Pokemon Go thing I can’t justify, and I’m a Pokemon Go player lol. Also – valet at the mall?? Really??

But all of this combined… And if this is just one week, and it’s a typical week… Wow. Maybe if he had plenty of money, but he’s throwing around money that he can’t afford. Even if it wasn’t about the engagement ring, if the two of you are in a committed relationship, he should be working to build a future with you. He’s spending money without any care to your future together. That’s not okay (and wouldn’t be okay if the roles were reversed, either).

If I spent money like this, my SO would not be happy (and neither would I, if he spent money like this). We live together and although we aren’t engaged or married yet, we still share our lives and so have to consider the other person. I don’t run my purchases by him, but I have enough care for him to know that I need to pay off my bills, save for our future wedding, for our future vacations, for our future lives together. When someone else is in the picture, you consider them in your future.

It doesn’t sound like your SO is considering you in his future. That is what I would be concerned with. He may just be bad with money, or he may be purposefully buying you things to placate you, or it could be a combination of both, but either way he is not considering your future together. I think a serious talk is in order.

Post # 26
286 posts
Helper bee

alexanon :  Hmm, okay. Getting upset about timelines at 37 is a bad sign. Has he been married before?

Have you tried going ring shopping with him in person – or at least suggesting it? 

Post # 27
3089 posts
Sugar bee

If buying you a ring was a priority, he’d buy you a ring.It’s not that he can’t afford it (clearly), it’s just that it’s not a priority.

Oh, and the way he spends money: I would rethink getting married to a man who does not know how to manage his money at 37 years old (unless he is a really great SAVER as well which I doubt).

Post # 28
6929 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m sorry, Bee, he sounds like a man-child who doesn’t want to grow up and deal with adult priorities. I can understand picking up the tab for dinner out or a treat for the office once in a while but $300 for Pokemon Go? He’s 37 years old. How much does he have put away for retirement? Does he own a home? I would also be concerned that money seems to run through his fingers like water…

Bottom line: if buying you a ring was a priority he would buy you a ring. 

Post # 29
2441 posts
Buzzing bee

I think he’s playing you. He obviously HAS the money to get you, not only the ring you love, but a much nicer one, if he wanted. Anyone spending money like that could easily save up for even a 10k ring in a few months. 

He’s 37 and spending $300 on the PokemonGo app? Honestly, this shows a HUGE flaw with priority setting. He sounds like a man-child. What man goes around buying people’s affections still in his late 30’s?

An incredibly insecure man who doesn’t feel happy and whole on his own, so will never reach a point of being able to fully commit to a healthy relationship.

I don’t think you sound like a brat at all. You don’t like or need expensive clothing or flowers or pokemon go coins, but THOSE are the things he’s choosing to get you, instead of, say, a $15 potted plant. He’s not taking YOU into consideration, just doing the things he thinks guys are supposed to do to keep their gf’s happy and content (ie not pushing for marriage.)

The fact that he gets ANGRY whenever you want to discuss timelines just clinches it for me. He is a man-child with no intentions of ever proposing to you and he’s using emotional intimidation to keep you silent, like you’re a subordinate. Ugh. 

He sounds like the LAST man you should be wanting to marry. Are you sure it’s HIM you want, and not just marriage in general? B/c yes, thankfully you’re still in your 20’s and can easily start over.

Do that.

Post # 30
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I didn’t read all the PPs, but I have to say that $925 is half my monthly paycheck. He spent it in a week? Dang. That leads me to believe he makes good money and should have no problem affording a ring. I think he likes showering people with gifts, but really doesn’t understand what you really want (not sure whether you’ve had a sit-down with him about your future or not). 

He does get you really nice things. Try to be grateful for that. I know it’s hard when you just want a committed future with this guy. Is he saving money at all? Sounds like you need to have a talk about where both of your priorities like. At 37, it sounds like he’s a little childish.

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