(Closed) Boyfriend spends hundreds of dollars 'recklessly', can't 'afford' a ring.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
4815 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

alexanon :  At his age, I doubt very much his spending habits will change.  Can you live with his impulsive spending?    Money issues, and divergent approaches to spending and saving, are one of the most common reasons people divorce.  I think it is great that you are able to identify now what his spending habits are.   

In regard to saving for a ring – that may be high on your priority list but his actions show it isn’t on his radar.   He reminds me of a guy I dated ages ago – he was always buying food for poeple in his office hoping they’d like him better.  They didn’t.  

Does he have a saving plan?  Is he aware of his own spending habits, and does he appreciate or resent your input on how money is handled?

You clearly have a good head on your shoulders.  Don’t settle for less than you deserve – and I mean being a priority.  🙂

 

Post # 32
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

If I were you, my bigger concern would be what his spending habits mean for our future together, and what our life would look like when we combine finances. IMO he is way too old to be spending recklessly like that. Differences over money is the #1 cause of divorce, maybe you should consider spending some time with a counselor to work on your different views of it.

On a basic level, if he can spend $1k in a week on stupid crap, he can afford a ring. There are lots of bees on here whose rings were under $1k, including myself. The question for you is, is this about being engaged sooner, or about having a certain type of ring? And do you even want to be engaged to someone whose values around money are so different from your own?

Post # 33
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

After reading your update, I think:

-He is stalling because he either isn’t into being married for whatever reason, or because he knows he can keep you hanging. Honestly, maybe the idea of marriage for him = having to answer for your finances, so he’s not into that for incredibly obvious reasons. Whatever, marriage isn’t on the radar for him…with you or anyone, probably

-Your worth in life isn’t based on whether you have a husband or not. Please take some time (whether you stay with him or not) to really understand and believe that, okay? You are not required to “find someone to marry you” and your ring finger does not have an expiration date.

-If it were me/my sister going through this, my thought would be that based on what you’ve shared with us it’s probably time to move on. He isn’t going to change his spending habits just because you guys get married, and a marriage that he feels pushed into is not going to be one you want to be in. Split amicably, and then move on. Good relationships happen when both parties are on the same page. This is not what’s happening here.

Good luck girl!

Post # 34
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

Well, I do not find anything wrong with the way he spends his money. I agree it might be more than what an average person spends, but if he can afford it without getting into debt and still being an independent, functional adult (living alone, paying for services, etc.), then I see no problem. I also don’t see his spending as useless.

Hi bought Pokemon Go money because he probably likes the game and hoped to get you involved. 

Paying for food and gifting comfort food sounds to me as being thoughtful and generous towards other.

The dress was a gift. I think it shows he cares about you and what you like.

The flowers were nice, but if they bother you let him know.

The parking ticket is just one of those things that sometimes can’t be avoided, especially on crowded cities.

All in all, I think the problem is that you are not on the same page. I think he isn’t really thinking about marriage now or in a near future, while you are thinking about a ring now or in the near future. I do not think he has anu responsability to marry you or give you a ring (even after 4 years of dating) but he should at least give you an answer.

Be blunt with him next time you approach the subject. STOP asking for a ring, and instead tell him how you feel and what YOUR timeline is. Something like:

“You know from before that marriage is a priority for me, and that I am ready to comit my life to yours. In my life plan I aim to get married before I’m X years as I’d like to start a family soon. What about you? I need to know if my plan has a chance to be fulfilled or not?”

Also, I am very worried that you find whate he does (spends on) unnecessary and useless, when it seems that it is important for him. Could it be that maybe he feels you don’t appreciatte him and wants to date you more time to see if that changes?

Post # 34
Member
819 posts
Busy bee

alexanon :  Timelines add unnecessary pressure? RED FREAKING FLAG. If he wanted to marry you, he would have either proposed with a 2k ring or at the very least given you a realistic timeline by now. What does he think, you’re going to stick around forever in the vague hope that he’ll marry you? If I were you, I’d dump him and find someone who A- doesn’t spend that much money on stupid stuff in a week and B- actually wants to marry you and is willing to spend some money on a ring.

Post # 35
Member
997 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

yeah, if he’s spending that much weekly without thinking about it, he already has enough money to buy you a ring, and probably has started saving for retirement

if that’s not the case, I would be less worried about him not spending it on a ring and buying your silence with designer goods and MORE worried about his financial spending habits putting you into debt or impacting your retirement together… thats the bigger issue here

Post # 37
Member
2506 posts
Sugar bee

alexanon :  yeah…i mean, i don’t know you or him or your relationship. but from the little you’ve shared, he’s not going to marry you. i’ve been the 27 year old dating the 37 year old who wouldn’t marry me. he would casually talk about moving in with me, but it was all talk (he renewed his lease on his place for another 2 years), he had no intention of doing so. but the talk was enough to keep me around for a few more months before i saw that i was convenient for him and good enough not to break things off, but that we had no future.

i know how hard that position can be – he’s not cheating on you, he’s nice to you, etc. it’s hard to point to something and say “this is why we need to break up”. but you don’t always need to be harmed in order for a relationship not to be right. and if he’s making up excuses as to why he hasn’t gotten you a ring, then he’s not getting one.

the happy ending? about a year after getting out of that relationship, i met another man who is my perfect other half (cheesy, i know). he’s my best friend and i can’t imagine life another way. we officially moved in together 6 months in (we “unoffically” started living together 1 month in), and 2 years later, we’re engaged. HE insisted on getting engaged and getting me a ring (i was a bit jaded at that point). HE wanted to make the commitment in our relationship, and would likely have done so after a year if i hadn’t taken more persuasion (not about him, but about marriage in general). I couldn’t possibly be happier. It’s a lot easier once you’re in a healthy, supportive relationship to recgonize the not so great ones.

If a guy wants to marry you, he will. Period. And he’s not going to take convincing to get there.

Post # 38
Member
1419 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

j9marie :  Hey, my dad is 48 and plays Pokemon Go. Don’t hate! tongue-out

Post # 39
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: County courthouse

He’s really bad with money for a man of his age and I doubt this kind of behavior will change with time. Are you sure you want to marry a man that spends $300 on a kid’s game??? Seems pretty immature to me.

Post # 40
Member
10120 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

A 37 year old man spent $300 on pokemon app shit?

BOY BYE.

Post # 41
Member
1532 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

concordbee :  I was just going to make a post too about the “timeline adding pressure” being a huge red flag.  You beat me to it. 

 alexanon : You know couples fight about money after getting married too right?  You really have to think about if you guys are on the same page about how you handle money before you just up and marry this dude.

Post # 42
Member
6353 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

It seems as if you get your ring you would ignore his reckless spending.  Trust me, not having gotten that ring is the least of your problems.  $300 on pokemon go at 37???

Post # 43
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

You need to decide how much longer you’re willing to wait.  With the money he’s spending on other things, not being able to afford the ring is an excuse.  The fact that he’s not willing, at 37 and after 4 years of being together, to even discuss a timeline would be reason enough for me to leave.

As far as the things he purchased for you, it seems like he’s a nice guy, nice to you, nice to everyone but that doesn’t mean that he’s ready or wanting to be a husband and his actions are making that loud & clear.  

Post # 44
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

There’s nothing wrong with him spending money this way if he can afford it. There also nothing wrong with OP being frustrated that he spends money this way and claims to not be able to afford a ring and wedding. There is a problem with different, irreconcilable views on spending and different priorities. OP, he is telling you, via his words and behaviors, what his priorities are and are not. Marrying you is currently not a priority.

You need to decide for yourself whether it’s worth staying. You are entitled to seek what you want in life and a relationship. You just have to accept that what you want might not be obtained in a relationship with him. Behavior like this is probably not going to change.

Bottom line, the situation here is one of two things. 1. If the boyfriend can reasonably afford all these things, he can certainly afford a ring, and he’s stalling and stringing OP along to some extent, and he doesn’t want the same things she wants. (Sure, we can say a ring isn’t necessary, but I feel that’s viewing the situation with blinders on.)

or 2. He really can’t afford to spend this way, and he’s being irresponsible.

Neither of those is really acceptable in a relationship.

Post # 45
Member
2032 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

alexanon :  Based on what you wrote, he could afford a ring in just under two weeks if he stopped spending the way he is. Five to six weeks for the ring you really, really want. It would be extremely easy.

When I was younger I dated a few guys who were 8-10 years older than I was. I eventually realized they were dating someone a lot younger because they thought I wouldn’t be ready for marriage – and they were also not ready for marriage.

I would show him your calculations. Talk to him very honestly about all of this. You have every right to be angry with him and his spending. If he can’t afford a ring, he can’t afford to be spending almost $1,000 a week on frivolous things. I would be so frustrated with this guy and wouldn’t have patience for this behaviour. Sadly, if it were me, I’d be out.

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