(Closed) Boyfriend spends hundreds of dollars 'recklessly', can't 'afford' a ring.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Belichick :  As far as the things he purchased for you, it seems like he’s a nice guy, nice to you, nice to everyone but that doesn’t mean that he’s ready or wanting to be a husband and his actions are making that loud & clear.

So true. Buying a ton of gifts doesn’t make an ideal relationship on its own, and I don’t think OP’s gratitude for these gifts needs to outweigh her critical thinking.

I dated a guy who always left me sweet notes and gifts at work. Very physically affectionate, very giving person in general. A man child at heart though. Also late 30’s. And figured he didn’t need to tell me he had a crazy ex who was suing him for child support and coming by his house and getting police involved. Also decided not to tell me when he was put on leave at work. Because in his mind, that didn’t have anything to do with me, even though we were together awhile and having discussions about having a future together. Because all he wanted was a girlfriend forever. Not he kind of partnership and commitment I was seeking. All the gifts in the world mean nothing if you’re not on the same page about how you view your relationship.

Post # 47
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

Most of the rings I picked out for engagement rings were under $1000 so he almost spends that in a week. Even if you choose a fancy ring, he would just need to watch his spending for a few months. I agree with most pp that this is really reckless and immature behavior. So either he is horrible with money and spends too much OR he has a lot of money and lies and uses finances as a crutch to why he won’t buy you a ring. Either way, to me it sounds like he’s just trying to get out of proposing and getting married. He sounds like my best friend’s ex. She was 23 and he was 33 when they broke up and he was a complete child. I just hope your bf is different.

Post # 48
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2002

You should only want to marry a man who wants to marry you you just as much as you want to marry him.  Like,  I can’t wait to make you my wife kind of thing.   Move on,  he’s a man child.

Post # 49
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Maybe just have a talk with him and say “while I appreciate your gifts and your generosity, it would mean so much more to me if that money could be put towards saving for our future together.” 

You’re not being ungrateful. You’re not telling him what to do with his money. You’re just letting him know where you’re at. 

If he still doesn’t change (even just cutting back a little) it shows that his priorities may not be in line with yours. 

Post # 51
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Your SO sounds like the very very generous type…kind of like my Fiance when I first met him. It was part of the reason why I feel in love with him so I didn’t want him to change completely, BUT it was getting in the way of saving for our future. 

I had multiple serious/casual conversations with him over the course of 2 years and he finally started listening to me and taking me seriously about half way through. 

This is who your SO is, and these are probably deeply ingrained habits. Money is also a touchy subject. It’s something that’s difficult to bring up. 

You should tailor your approach depending on your SO. My SO hates “serious” conversations so I made sure to bring this up always in a joking manner at the beginning, and slowly made it serious over a long period of time. 

Good luck, it’s tough, but if you really want a long term plan with your man, this is an awkward process that absolutely CANNOT AVOID. If it cannot be resolved, then this is not a serious prospect for you. 

Post # 53
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

alexanon :  If you’re already thinking in those terms, I’d go ahead and move on. Being thankful that you’re “young enough” to move on to someone who will marry you, makes it seem like you’re more interested in getting married, and not the actual love part of the equation. Personally, I’d take a step back from the whole situation and really think about what I want. Is this really the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Do I love him, or do I love the idea of love/marriage. Being prepared to jump ship doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship. 

After some introspection, if you decide he’s the one, sit him down and explain the importance to you. That you feel you’ve been together long enough that taking those steps towards marriage, is what would make you happy. Explain that you love an appreciate the romantic gestures, but that if he put the money towards a ring instead, it would be the ultimate romantic gesture. 

Post # 54
Member
7898 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

He’s not that into you. It’s time to move on. 

Post # 55
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Do you really want to marry someone who spends money so frivously?

Post # 56
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry, bee. In this case, “I can’t afford it” means “I don’t want to.”

He CAN afford it. And he is using buzzwords like “pressure” to get you to stop talking about things he doesn’t want to have to explain–like not wanting to get married. He is putting the blame on you as being the pressuresome force (meaning, gee, can’t you just shut up and go along to get along??) in hopes that you’ll just be quiet and it can then be business as usual.

I would start exploring your options. Do not treat him like a priority while he is not treating you like one. Make yourself and your desire for marriage the priority.

Post # 57
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m really glad you posted this and were able to see other views on the issue. I applaud you for handling it so maturely. I think the bees brought up really valid issues about your SO maturity and a possible light on what your future may look like. From your last reply, it seems you sort of know what you need to do now. Good luck! 

Post # 58
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

Pokemon Go is way fun, but spending money on an app is SO wasteful. It’s very easy to play, catch lots of Pokemon, and level up without spending a cent. 

What’s the biggest red flag to me is that you seem to have no idea about his overall financial situation, especially if he has savings at all. Either you don’t feel comfortable asking (bad sign) or he’s intentionally not telling you (even worse sign). I would feel extremely uncomfortable marrying someone who’s almost 40 without being sure he has retirement savings and a nest egg. 

To be honest, it sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you. He won’t talk about timeline, he’s not interested in saving for a ring… at 37, he should be ready now if he’s ever going to be. 

Post # 59
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

Age gap, maturity gap, financial values gap, commitment gap…

He’s building walls when he should be building bridges.

Sounds as if your relationship is like cut flowers, not a potted plant. 🙁

Post # 60
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Does he invest?  Save for retirement?  Have a year’s worth of savings in case he loses his job?  Or does he blow his income trying to buy affection from you and his coworkers?

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