(Closed) Boyfriend spends hundreds of dollars 'recklessly', can't 'afford' a ring.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

alexanon :  Just consider how you’ll feel 10 years from now trying to save money for your kid’s college or a new roof for the house with him buying frivolous stuff every day.  Will you two really make enough to afford it?

Post # 62
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee

I think my questions are:

 

1. Do you want to be married, or do you want to be married to this guy? It sounds like you’re ready to start over because you want to be married, and so maybe this guy doesn’t really matter that much?

2. Do you know exactly what your boyfriend’s budget is? Do you know for sure he isn’t putting money away each month for a ring?

 

It sounds like he’s treating you and everyone around him really well, and maybe it’s just that he’s not operating on your timeline. 

Post # 63
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Are you worried about his ability to budget and make financial decisions with you, or are you worried about him spending money on himself and not on your ring?

For the former, you could keep with a financial planner as a couple to talk about goals, walk through steps on budgeting, etc. It will take a lot of work and some compromise, but it’s one of those conversations that has to happen. Good job wanting to have these discussions early instead of ending up in a bad spot.

If it’s the latter, well, it’s his money. If he wants to blow it on stuff you deem useless and it’s not impacting you in any way (except the ring), chill out or dump him. I am having a hard time thinking of anything that comes off as more ungrateful than pouting about him spending money on flowers and fancy clothes (FOR YOU) rather than the all-important ring.

Post # 64
Member
2057 posts
Buzzing bee

I hate to be so blunt, but I wouldn’t marry a 37 year old that spends $300 on pokemon. 

Post # 65
Member
2328 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

everyone’s made really good points which boil down to:

Serious discussion needed with him

Post # 66
Member
5876 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

alexanon :  How can you spend $300 on Pokemon Go? 

I think that you are right to be concerned about this.  Not because he hasn’t bought you a ring, but because he has terrible financial habits.

This is a man who doesn’t seem to know how to save, budget, or plan ahead for larger expenses.  He seems to think that any money in his pocket is burning a hole. 

On the other hand, he is extremely generous, which is lovely. But do you really want to be married to a 37 year old who doesn’t know how to manage his finances?  I wouldn’t feel good about that.

 

Post # 67
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m almost 31, and while I don’t play Pokemon Go, I regularly spend $100+ a month on a virtual pet site that I’ve been playing since I was 18. I pay my bills, have no debt, and feel like it’s just the same as if I were spending money on any other activity that I enjoy. What does age have to do with liking Pokemon Go? Some people spend hundreds on sporting equipment, others on concert tickets…so Pokemon is a hobby- is he not entitled to it? Y’all are acting like his maturity level is tied to his extracurricular activities…if he can afford it, what’s the harm?

And just because he spends money, doesn’t mean he doesn’ know how to manage his finances. Has the OP specified that he’s in debt, or having trouble making ends meet? For all we know, he makes enough money to be able to fund his spending habits, so just because he enjoys treating people, it does not make him financial irresponsible. And just because he may not be prioritizing buying a ring, does not mean he doesn’t know how to save or budget.

I’m sorry to be blunt, but it just sounds like he either doesn’t want to buy you a ring, OR he is planning to propose and is trying to throw you off the scent.

Post # 68
Member
8962 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

alexanon :  When my husband says “I can’t afford that” (or we can’t afford it) what he means is, he can’t afford that AND all the stuff he actually wants. And since he doesn’t really want that thing, that’s the thing he can’t afford. My husband also somehow manages to always get or do what’s important to him. If he really truly can’t afford something he wants, he finds a way to afford it. People prioritize what’s important to them.

Post # 69
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I haven’t read all the responses, so maybe someone already said this…but I don’t think the nonexistent ring fund is the real problem here. I think the bigger issue is, you and your SO aren’t on the same page regarding money. He’s 37, and at this point his spending/saving habits are probably pretty ingrained. You don’t agree with his spending habits. This will most likely be a huge issue if you get married. 

Post # 70
Member
411 posts
Helper bee

I never have good advice on the stay or go front on posts like this, you know your relationship better than I so I won’t try to interject.

But I just wanted to comment that I don’t think you are horrible for bemoaning the pampering he is doing. I’m very frugal and my SO can be a big spender. Like your guy, he often treats me to things I wouldn’t buy for myself (like the flowers or the dress). And while it it sooo sweet, if I felt comfortable with the purchase, in general, I would have just bought it myself. It wasn’t to expensive to afford, but it was too much to pay, regregless of who was buying. Just wanted to sympathize as I worry you might pick up some flack here or in RL and may be feeling ungrateful yourself.

He seems like a very generous and kind person; I hope that this isn’t just stalling.

Post # 71
Member
1661 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

janeblack :  I wouldn’t even marry a 27 Year old who spent $300 on Pokemon. HAHA

 

Post # 72
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You should have  a talk with him and discuss your expectations and worries communication is key on a relationship 

Post # 73
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

fresh : Totally agree with everything you’ve said. As a girl who spends a lot of money on video games (and whose OH does the same), I find it irritating that a lot of bees are instantly labelling him immature or a man-child for spending money he clearly has to spend on a hobby of his – and hers, as OP stated he bought them a gift card each. 

Ditto on being labelled ‘irresponsible’ – if he were in debt or couldn’t pay the bills, THEN it would be irresponsible of him to spend money treating her and other people like this. As it is, he’s just not prioritising a ring in his spending – which isn’t a good sign, granted. 

Post # 74
Member
690 posts
Busy bee

We all spend money on stuff that others would think is unnecessary, whether its an ungodly large house, fancy car, eating out, or clothes. No judgment on the Pokemon thing. It’s his money.

However, I think it does become “your business” when you’re trying to figure out if he is committed to a future together. Unfortunately, I don’t think he has plans to get engaged any time soon, and while I won’t judge his spending habits, they are indicative of his desire to remain uncommitted. He is entitled to remain uncommitted, but you’re also entitled AF to get out of that relationship. 

Post # 75
Member
3113 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

Darling Husband plays video games, there’s a few games that I enjoy too but personally $300 on a game that you can absolutely play for free seems irresponsible. It’s not immature to enjoy gaming but prioritizing it above other things in life, to me is. That would be my issue with the spending, and I wouldn’t be able to marry someone who wasn’t prioritizing having a stable life first. Then again I’m not sure what this guy’s scenario is, does he own a home, have emergency savings etc? Is this about him dodging engagement or is he just irresponsible with money?

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