Post # 1
I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking to get from here but I need to vent. Sorry if this is too graphic and long. I’ve been with my boyfrend for over 5 years and we’ve had pretty good sex life. I like giving and recieving oral sex. Recieving oral is one of my favourite parts of having sex and it’s the best way to get me off and my boyfriend is very good at it. When we first got together he would go down on me all the time even before we discussed our sexual likes and dislikes. Sometimes if I was up or second sound and he wasn’t up (literally) he would go down without being asked and it was a natural part of our sex routine. I would return the favour and quite often my initiation includes going down on him first.
Something changed early this year. He cut down doing oral. I’m ok with it not being included in every session and only being in special occations. But he has basically stopped all together. He would give it if I especially asked but I got a feeling he wasn’t enjoying it so I would give and option of giving oral or using fingers. He would always use finger and I stopped requesting. I figured that it might have something to smell or taste that I hadn’t noticed so checked online for dietary and hygiene tips but couldn’t really come up with anything that would have changed. Welll we continued same as before excluding him giving me oral. I started hinting that I would enjoy it and he would playfully dirtytalk his way out of it. I also flat out asked if I should do something inorder to him to start doing it again but he made it sound like he hadn’t noticed any changes.
Finally for some reason it really started to piss me off about a month ago. I had previously cut down from giving him oral but now I stopped it all together. He has always said he enjoys it but he has not requsted it once. Last week there was a show on tv about something that prompted me to say how getting oral is the best part of sex. He responded with a suggestive “oh really” so i figured that maybe he finally got it. Yesterday after having sex I asked again “You haven’t gone down on me for a long time and I really enjoy it. Is there something wrong? Should I do something about a smell or taste or anything?” he just said that hadn’t really felt like it.
The problem is that this this is really turning me off from having sex or improving our sex life. He is happy with “basic” routine every.single. time. where he gets off and I get off. We do the same thing every time. I’ve been the one to suggest new things but after these conversations I don’t feel like doing anything new or really even initiate sex. I can live without oral if another thing would have been added to foreplay instead but I don’t like the fact that I have to ask anything out of his normal eventhough over the years we have done a lot of things. I’ve tried to talk about this to him but he feels like our sex life is good and satisfying as it is and inorder to make me feel better he does do what I ask. It’s just not very satisfying to give instructions every time.
Post # 2
TALK TO HIM AGAIN! Tell him exactly that it’s a huge turn off, you miss it, sex is now boring. It sounds like he stoped putting effort into it and that is not cool. If there is no taste/smell issues then he is just being lazy. If he doesnt get the message i would stop sex altogether and see if that would get the message accross. If he asks why no sex, you say that i miss the sex we used to have and I dont want just intercourse so if I can get the fun stuff I dont want it at all. If that doesnt help then I would leave.
My DH is not huge intp oral (giving and receiving) but he knows I want/need it at least 30% of the time. We have sex twice a week, so that’s 6 times a month (we take a.break on period week) so out of those 6 times I need oral at least 2 times, he gets it and makes sure I get what I want. If one nonth I dont get it I get very pissy and speak up.
Post # 3
It’s not going to be a fun conversation, but you need to sit him down and express your concerns. Tell him how you feel about your sex life. I’ve had this talk with my SO a couple times over the years, sometimes I was at fault and others he was. It’s not a pleasant discussion, but it is one that needs to be had in order to maintain a healthy relationship.
Post # 4
I think in the earlier days of dating he wanted to please/ impress you but wasn’t truly into it hiimself. Now that you’ve been together for years, he’s gone back to being who he really is rather than the impression of him he wanted to give you. This unfortunately happens when we don’t present our true selves in the early days of dating, in so many areas. A woman who only pretends to like football will only keep up the pretense for so long, whereas a woman who is actually into football will still be into football after 20 years of marriage. The unfortunate part of this is that two people are affected by his pretense and it’s only natural you miss the aspects of your formerly hot sex life that he no longer puts the effort into.
Good for you for trying to talk to him about it, but he doesn’t seem to be reciprocating in the conversation anymore than in the bedroom. It’s unfair of him to shrug this off as no big deal. He needs to have an actual conversation about this and if he still won’t discuss the changes in the bedroom you’re unsatisfied with, perhaps suggesting couples counselling with a therapist speciailizing in sexual issues might be in order.
Post # 5
Thanks ladies, I know I need to talk but all these previous experiences just has made it a bit of a turn off to talk about it. I’ll bring it up soon when the time is right, Do you recon I should bring up all at once or pick the top problem? I have few wishes for the initiation to make it even slightly sexier or romantic.
As for the oral and hoping for it. If he doens’t want to it is fine. I wouldn’t do anythign I didn’t want to and I can’t expect it from him. It’s just that taking something away and not bringing anything in return is really getting to me. Also knowing exactly what happens every time is kind of turn off.
Post # 6
I do understand that sex 6 months into the realtionship is not the same as 5 years in. I also wanted to impress in the begining and did a lot of things I wasn’t too into just because I wasntted to show versitality. It’s just the suddeness that maks me doubt that he was “faking” in the begining but I won’t know if I don’t ask. I’m also thinking if it’s relating to age. He makes sure I have an orgasm everytime and if I don’t get there then he insists on not gettin one so we can try again later so we can both get there (the oral would be an answer to this). I’ve accepted that sex won’t be the same always but I would have assumed this conversation would have come years ago.
Post # 7
well…that did not go well.
I decided to bring it up today on a walk. I figured that if we were face to face on the livignroom it would feel more like a “talk” instead of casual conversation. I thought that maube this would be better since we wouldn’t have to stare into each other’s eyes but maybe lool.arpund if feeling uncomfortable. we live live in a place where you very rarely see people at night. I brought the issue up by asking if he is satisfied with our sex life. We talked about his feelings for a bit and as I said the sentence “eversince we stopped oral sex I feel like we need to introduce something else to our foreplay” someone passes us. They clearly heard. The only person we saw the whole 45 minute walk.
well my boyfriend was very embarrassed and shut down immediately. I asked if we should talk about this later. He said that I can talk if I want to. I tried to save the situation by saying that the sex is satisfying but I feel like we need to expand our repertoire and make it more exciting. He didn’t say anything. He was clearly upset about earlier and the person hearing me.
when we got home I apologised about earlier and we went to sleep in silence. I had very good points prepared in a friendly way to make it sound encouraging and make it sound like we together could make each other more satisfied. but I didn’t get to that part due to him shutting down. yes I should have talked at home. seriously when I go running there no one is ever there at the same time.
I guess I’ll lay low and wait for him to approach back to the subject and see if he still listened to some of my points.<!–Clip_XXXX_171029_002328_516–>
Post # 8
I don’t know maybe it’s me but I couldn’t care less what a stranger heard while walking past… it seems he’s more embarrassed about the whole thing in general
Post # 9
He’s upset “the world knows now” that he can’t satisfy his woman lol awww! Maybe he shouldn’t have brushed off your previous chats. You told him your needs and he’s flat out ignoring them. He needs to step up or step out!
Post # 10
The random was a cop out for him. Honestly just sounds like he’s less attracted to the relationship in general. I stopped all foreplay and checked out sexually when I knew I wanted out of my marriage and once I realized I wanted out, he lost all appeal to me. Tell him to get back in the game or get out. Even without foreplay or other sexual favors regularly there should still be effort there in some way to keep things hot and make you feel sexy.
Post # 11
He needs to grow up and accept he is part of the problem in the bedroom. Sex is a two way experience as you know. It doesn’t matter if someone walked past I would still talk about it.
I think a lot of us have had times in the bedroom where sex is utterly boring. Because it is the same routine and the honeymoon phase is over. In my experience my SO and I were very kinky in the bedroom. We used to be obsessed with each other.
Then I started to gain weight, he started to lose stamina and we found ourselves having sex maybe once or three times a month and we established a routine which was utterly boring and predictable.
We went to my therapist and we actually talked to each other on what is stopping us from having great sex. My therapist gave us tips and tools to get our sex lives back on track. Could you guys go see a therapist?
My therapist suggested a date night or a weekend away with no devices (cells, ipads etc). Try and get to know each other again like it was your first date. Plan something romantic and see if sparks fly.
Post # 12
The talk was a good conversation before the random person heard us. I didn’t really care and I thought it was a bit funny. I can understand his view in a sense that he was being a part of conversation out of nowhere and now a private conversation is public.
He has a history of getting allergic reactions to certain things that causes him erectile dysfunction. In the beginning of conversation he said he feels like everything is not 100% down there. Whenever this happens he gets really insecure and has is scared to try on case it doesn’t work. So in a way it’s a weird cycle. He is insecure about performing and his sex condidence goes down. This then translates into me becoming frustrated and insecure. He could still do other things or flat out say that it’s not gonna happen today but it affects his confidence too much. so I guess this is main reason for this time. It has happened fairly often in the past and he feels the lack if confidence for a long time afterwards.
I don’t think he is checking out of the relationship. I think he is just satisfied with companionship more. We’ve not had the best relationship over the year (mainly because of me being lost and difficult) and he has been the one who has had all the faith in us.
I will suggest a phonefree datenight so we will have to talk and I’ll try to be more forthcoming with making suggestions. If he flat out says no then we have a major problem.
Post # 13
Has your SO talked to his doctor about his ED? Perhaps the doctor can offer some advice. It might be embarrassing to him but the doctor has knowledge on to helping his confidence.
Post # 14
he has talked to 2 doctors at separate times. Both have said that it is mental and asked him if he wants viagra. The other one offered anti depressants. They don’t think it’s possible to get ED from allergic reaction so they wont give him an allergy test. He notices it comes from certain medications when he has to take for his hay fever and he switches brands. I’m mainly worried that if he doesnt find out to which medication he is allergic to it will cause a severe reaction if there is a car accident. First time he noticed his ED was when doctors gave him anti depressants due to his mother dying when he was a teenager. He stopped taking them once he noticed that he got ED. He doesn’t want to treat it with medication since he strongly believes it’s allergic reaction.
This has happened several times over the 5 years. You get flu, you need eye drops and these causes the ED. He knows what to avoid but sometimes there are new things that he doesn’t know about. He has always told me about it. And we have always managed. It’s more the fear it won’t work than it not working.
It hasn’t happened in a while so I was surprised that it’s going on now. so I didn’t even think it related to this boringness issue. Now I think it might be. I feel like we need to have another thought where I explain that him avoiding sex due to ED is not the answer. But I need to give it some time since he is not really talking to me normally yet…
Post # 15
zeebee1 : ‘We’ve not had the best relationship over the year (mainly because of me being lost and difficult) and he has been the one who has had all the faith in us.’
This stood out for me. DH has been difficult this past year due to stress and it has really affected my sex drive.
If your SO has been the one to have faith in your relationship than you have bigger problems than oral sex not being on the menu. Sounds like you both need to focus on nurturing the relationship on different levels together. If DH had doubts (which is what I understood from you saying ‘lost’) then I wouldn’t be in a rush to give him regular blow jobs. And if the ‘lost’ thing caused a disconnect then I wouldn’t feel confident or inspired sexually either.
I think counselling really would help as you’ve reached a wall where you both need support. Having these chats sounds awkward and I think it’s because your posts come across as ‘This is what I need in bed’ rather than taking into account his ED and the last year being difficult etc
The oral sex part is just a symptom so I would refrain from approaching these chats just from the sexual aspect of your relationship. To begin with anyway since he can’t handle it. That’s why a counsellor would be best. Sometimes we think we’re being diplomatic and patient with a chat but the subject (oral sex) is so urgent in us that we actually dive in too soon!