Boyfriend stopped giving me oral and sex became boring

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

TALK TO HIM AGAIN! Tell him exactly that it’s a huge turn off, you miss it, sex is now boring. It sounds like he stoped putting effort into it and that is not cool. If there is no taste/smell issues then he is just being lazy. If he doesnt get the message i would stop sex altogether and see if that would get the message accross. If he asks why no sex, you say that i miss the sex we used to have and I dont want just intercourse so if I can get the fun stuff I dont want it at all. If that doesnt help then I would leave. 

My DH is not huge intp oral (giving and receiving) but he knows I want/need it at least 30% of the time. We have sex twice a week, so that’s 6 times a month (we take a.break on period week) so out of those 6 times I need oral at least 2 times, he gets it and makes sure I get what I want. If one nonth I dont get it I get very pissy and speak up.

Post # 3
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

It’s not going to be a fun conversation, but you need to sit him down and express your concerns. Tell him how you feel about your sex life. I’ve had this talk with my SO a couple times over the years, sometimes I was at fault and others he was. It’s not a pleasant discussion, but it is one that needs to be had in order to maintain a healthy relationship.

Post # 4
Member
5783 posts
Bee Keeper

I think in the earlier days of dating he wanted to please/ impress you but wasn’t truly into it hiimself. Now that you’ve been together for years, he’s gone back to being who he really is rather than the impression of him he wanted to give you. This unfortunately happens when we don’t present our true selves in the early days of dating, in so many areas. A woman who only pretends to like football will only keep up the pretense for so long, whereas a woman who is actually into football will still be into football after 20 years of marriage. The unfortunate part of this is that two people are affected by his pretense and it’s only natural you miss the aspects of your formerly hot sex life that he no longer puts the effort into.

Good for you for trying to talk to him about it, but he doesn’t seem to be reciprocating in the conversation anymore than in the bedroom. It’s unfair of him to shrug this off as no big deal. He needs to have an actual conversation about this and if he still won’t discuss the changes in the bedroom you’re unsatisfied with, perhaps suggesting couples counselling with a therapist speciailizing in sexual issues might be in order. 

Post # 8
Member
2326 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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zeebee1 :  I don’t know maybe it’s me but I couldn’t care less what a stranger heard while walking past… it seems he’s more embarrassed about the whole thing in general 

Post # 9
Member
1764 posts
Buzzing bee

He’s upset “the world knows now” that he can’t satisfy his woman lol awww! Maybe he shouldn’t have brushed off your previous chats. You told him your needs and he’s flat out ignoring them. He needs to step up or step out!

Post # 10
Member
1307 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

The random was a cop out for him. Honestly just sounds like he’s less attracted to the relationship in general. I stopped all foreplay and checked out sexually when I knew I wanted out of my marriage and once I realized I wanted out, he lost all appeal to me. Tell him to get back in the game or get out. Even without foreplay or other sexual favors regularly there should still be effort there in some way to keep things hot and make you feel sexy.

Post # 11
Member
328 posts
Helper bee

He needs to grow up and accept he is part of the problem in the bedroom.   Sex is a two way experience as you know.   It doesn’t matter if someone walked past I would still talk about it.

I think a lot of us have had times in the bedroom where sex is utterly boring.  Because it is the same routine and the honeymoon phase is over.  In my experience my SO and I were very kinky in the bedroom.  We used to be obsessed with each other.

Then I started to gain weight, he started to lose stamina and we found ourselves having sex maybe once or three times a month and we established a routine which was utterly boring and predictable.

We went to my therapist and we actually talked to each other on what is stopping us from having great sex.  My therapist gave us tips and tools to get our sex lives back on track.  Could you guys go see a therapist?  

My therapist suggested a date night or a weekend away with no devices (cells, ipads etc).  Try and get to know each other again like it was your first date.     Plan something romantic and see if sparks fly.  

 

Post # 13
Member
328 posts
Helper bee

 

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zeebee1 :  Has your SO talked to his doctor about his ED?   Perhaps the doctor can offer some advice.  It might be embarrassing to him but the doctor has knowledge on to helping his confidence.

Post # 15
Member
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

 

View original reply
zeebee1 :   We’ve not had the best relationship over the year (mainly because of me being lost and difficult) and he has been the one who has had all the faith in us.’

This stood out for me. DH has been difficult this past year due to stress and it has really affected my sex drive.

If your SO has been the one to have faith in your relationship than you have bigger problems than oral sex not being on the menu. Sounds like you both need to focus on nurturing the relationship on different levels together. If DH had doubts (which is what I understood from you saying ‘lost’) then I wouldn’t be in a rush to give him regular blow jobs. And if the ‘lost’ thing caused a disconnect then I wouldn’t feel confident or inspired sexually either. 

I think counselling really would help as you’ve reached a wall where you both need support. Having these chats sounds awkward and I think it’s because your posts come across as ‘This is what I need in bed’ rather than taking into account his ED and the last year being difficult etc

The oral sex part is just a symptom so I would refrain from approaching these chats just from the sexual aspect of your relationship. To begin with anyway since he can’t handle it. That’s why a counsellor would be best. Sometimes we think we’re being diplomatic and patient with a chat but the subject (oral sex) is so urgent in us that we actually dive in too soon! 

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