Boyfriend suggested marriage at the courthouse and THEN proposing to me later…

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 33
Member
2841 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

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schmeebee85 :  I’m sure you guys can do something sweet but not over the top for a proposal. I love Disney so we went to downtown Disney (we’re local) and he asked me after Mexican food! I knew it was coming and it was laid back. I didn’t want him to get on one knee and make a big scene so it was just off at a small alcove with a bench. It was meaningful but not anything huge. Something like that would probably be a good compromise. 

Post # 35
Member
9165 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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schmeebee85 :  

l only read TLDR part . It is quite mad of him OP, if you are already planning to get married you are already engaged. I mean, him saying ‘will you marry me? ‘ to his wife is just nuts. 
The courthouse wedding followed by a celebration in your home town is perfectly fine and normal. 
Would he expect you to not wear your ring and pretend not to be married btw , until the  after-marriage ‘formal proposal ‘ ? 
No OP he’s cute and loving but a little crazy here . 

Post # 36
Member
2403 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think he is worried too much about trying to make the proposal magical. He wants it to be perfect. Since it’ll take some time to arrange, he wants to do it at a later time. However, he wants to get married now–partially for insurance reasons. I’d just say no. Honey, I appreciate that you want to get married soon, but it is important to me that you propose before we get married. His idea makes no sense, but it’s certainly male thinking. lol 

Post # 37
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee

I’d be very blunt with him. I wouldn’t sugar coat it. 

Id tell him absolutely not to the ass-backwards, pointless proposal after the marriage.

I’d explicitly tell him what he’s suggesting is ridiculous and doesn’t make any sense.

If he’s so excited to get married that he wants to move up the timeline then he can propose first like a normal fucking person. 

I don’t understand these men who want to do things ass backwards. I wouldn’t tolerate this dicking around when he has the freaking ring. 

Post # 38
Member
8938 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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schmeebee85 :  

  • get married sooner, — perfectly normal
  • do the proposal later — makes no sense whatsoever
  • and then have a very small intimate celebration — perfectly normal

I’m confused about the “details” that “he didn’t think that far ahead” about. Why didn’t you two just have a conversation and resolve them? It’s nothing that requires research or deep thought. Here are the most logical answers to each of your concerns. Should be a 5 minute conversation max:

  • No, we’re not going to lie to anybody.
  • Yes, we’re going to exchange rings.
  • You’ll have your wedding ring to wear, but we’ll save the engagement ring for the after-the-fact-fake-proposal.
  • Yes, it is weird but no weirder than the fake proposal idea, plus you’ll have a wedding ring.
  • The fake proposal is just for fun. OR I don’t know the point of the fake proposal — you’re right, it’s absurd, we can skip that part.

There really is no “big picture”, “finer details”, or “logistical concerns” that need to be worked out. The idea is silly but harmless. The only problem is that you won’t get to wear your engagement ring right away. I don’t blame you for being eager, but it’s not some big complex obstacle. Either A) agree to the plan and be content with your wedding ring until he does his proposal; B) tell him you agree with everything except that you want to wear your ring as soon as it come back from being repaired; or C) tell him no, you want to stick with the original plan (although if he’s stuck on proposing in the spring, you’ll end up waiting for the ring just as long as if you got married first, right? So really what’s the benefit?)

Post # 39
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

I just don’t understand WHY he is asking to do this, it makes absolutely ZERO sense, you pointed out a lot of things to him and his response was…apparently nothing? It seems like he just suggested doing something ridiculous with no explanation and then zero answers to your questions and that’s just fine because you don’t want to hurt his feelings?

Post # 40
Member
902 posts
Busy bee

If his dream is a super perfect magical proposal “moment” I think it’s probably going to fall flat when you are *already married* when he asks. Like, it’s not going to feel special to you or him

Post # 41
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

“Ironically, part of the reason he wanted to push the wedding up IS health insurance. He’s in the military and could get me on Tricare and I’d not have to pay for private insurance anymore.”

Maybe this is his real reasoning for suddenly rushing? For insurance?

Or it sounds like he’s got something planned for the spring proposal already. Still, makes no sense to be legally married first and then be proposed to.

Post # 42
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee

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schmeebee85 :  “…get married sooner…and then have a very small intimate celebration with people in my hometown (we moved away in July) afterward as a “wedding” party of sorts.”

This is fine. Lots of people do this.

“…do the proposal later [after the wedding]…”

This is absolutely bizarre/bonkers. Does he realize what a marriage proposal is? It’s a proposal for marriage that leads to engagement (a promise/expectation of getting married). If you are married, there is no need for a proposal. What would he be proposing? You’d already be married!

And why doesn’t he want you to wear your engagement ring? I don’t know, this sounds unreasonable and controlling to me… not trying to imply anything about your relationship, but none of this makes any sense!

 

Post # 43
Member
1008 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

His idea makes zero sense, and it’s ok to just say no. You don’t need the Internet’s permission to shut down knee jerk bullshit. My guess is he wants to do the “manly” thing of a formal proposal but somehow he thinks being already married will take the pressure off of him. 

If he can’t even articulate why he wants something so nonsensical, there is no point in entertaining it. I was never one to make a huge deal out of marriage, but I can tell you from personal experience that’s it’s fun to have the anticipation and excitement of being officially engaged and showing off your ring.

If he’s military, he may see that everyone else around him is married and subconsciously want to “fit in” sooner. If he wants to get married sooner, he can “propose” sooner! 

Post # 44
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2020

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schmeebee85 :  Hmmm I guess he just has a big proposal planned. I knew my now fiancee had a ring for me during Christmas Eve. He didn’t propose and when I asked why he didn’t; he said he was still planning it, he needed to find a place, a photographer, and a baby sitter for our baby. I told him that was ridiculous and would take months to plan so I got down on my knee and proposed to him. I had to convince him to give me the ring the next day, and promised him some engagement photos and that made him happy. He told me later that he was so glad I proposed because of his aniexty too.

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