Boyfriend taking too long to propose

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
  • poll:
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1812 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Why does he give half his salary to his family?

    Post # 3
    Member
    1735 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    rciel :  How can he save with 50% of his income going to his family? I agree with PP – what is the reason for that? And are you prepared for that to be your reality if you two marry? 

    Post # 4
    Member
    92 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    There are a lot of questions here… are you both living separately with your parents? Why is he giving his salary to them? Do you work? Why is he always paying for your dates?

    Also what is he saving up for? Ring? Did you set any expectations on what ring you want? Ultimately, you don’t need an expensive ring to be engaged. But I agree that after 5 years and you being 29/32 it is a very reasonable topic. I was on my husband after a year of dating:)

    Post # 5
    Member
    122 posts
    Blushing bee

    Why the fuck is a 32 year old man paying half his salary to his family? If spending money on dates is making him financially unable to save much money he needs to get better control of his finances.

    And if you can up and ‘vacation’ to another country and call that ‘unforeseen’… If you have the means to pay your own way for a vacation on short notice, you’re doing great, and apparently he is not. 

    “But no way can I walk away from him. I don’t think I can find anyone else like him who can tolerate my bad faults and negativity and still love and accept me.” 

    NO. Stop thinking like this. You know all those women you see trapped with horrible dudes who are just total armpits and you wonder why they don’t leave no matter what hell they get put through? THIS is why. This is what is running through their heads. 

    You have been conditioned to believe that you are negative and have faults so bad that nobody but he will ever love you. You are allowing yourself to believe that you are damaged goods and you are lucky he is putting up with your imperfect self, and you are just so thankful that he is such a good man to have sunken to your level when there are women out there who do not have these faults! BLESS him for HELPING you overcome your negativity, he is a knight in shining armor helping to save you from yourself!

    In fact, you CAN find someone else who will love you. You will learn that you do not need to be ‘tolerated’ and that your feelings are not ‘negativity’ and you have every right to be upset when you’ve been strung along. 

    I have been in your shoes. He may seem like the be-all, end-all but he isn’t. He kind of sounds like a self absorbed dick who, instead of manning up and either proposing with whatever he can afford or admitting he does not want to get married (now, ever?) he makes excuses about why he can’t. Unfortunately, if a man wants to marry you, he will, and if he doesn’t, he tends to make excuses for as long as you’ll allow it.

    It sounds like you had a conversation before your fourth anniversary (over a year ago) and he said you would be engaged before you had been together four years. So he has had what, a year, year and a half since that conversation to save up for something? He’s not saving. He doesn’t care.

    HE IS STRINGING YOU ON. He’s making excuses. He may be sweet to you but just because someone isn’t an outright ass to you doesn’t mean they’re treating you well. 

    I would walk away if I were you. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if you stay, you’ll be in the same place a year from now.

    Post # 6
    Member
    6231 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    Another hand up wondering why dude is giving half his salary to his family – because fuck that shit.

    Also- saying things like “I always wanted to be married at 27.” and “I wanted to start a family before 30.” makes it sound a bit like he’s just a guy for your blank space. That if you’d happened across someone else, then he would be your [insert male here].

    Also- he’s not perfect- let’s not play. He might be great but you make it sound like he’s so wonderful and you’re just lucky he puts up with your raggedy ass self. Let’s not forget- dude is dumb enough to give half his salary to his family (and then use lack of money as part of the reason you don’t have a ring yet) and the shit’s been going on for years, apparently- there’s stuff there that needs to be examined and addressed, clearly.

    So- He’s taking too long to propose- you have a few options. You can propose to him. You can dump him and go looking for someone else who keeps his promises to you. You can keep waiting (either with a positively occupied mind or a negative stressed out mind). Only you know how long you are willing to wait while he figures out what he wants to do (and keeps giving half his salary to his family). You’ve had the discussion with him and he keeps shining you on (saying he’s going to do it and then doing squat). I would have a problem with that- so in addition to giving half his salary to his family for some goddamn reason, he also doesn’t follow through on promises he’s made. Eh.

    Post # 7
    Member
    9736 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    I find a couple things about your post concerning. Mainly that you think all (or almost all) your fights are your fault and that your reason for not wanting to leave isn’t how much you love him but that you don’t think anyone else will love you. This post has so much insecurity in it and it makes me think this is not a healthy relationship.

    I also find it bizarre that he gives his family half his salary. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    1184 posts
    Bumble bee

    Does he owe them money? From college tuition fees something? Unless it’s like some actual agreement to pay them back for something then this seems a little bit odd. And like he’s not ready to concentrate on his new life with you because he’s still tied to his family. 

    I think you need to have an honest conversation with him. And quite frankly stop acting like his wifey (if you are) because otherwise he has no incentive to change. I’m sure he loves you, he’s probably just become lazy and complacent xo

    Post # 10
    Member
    2989 posts
    Sugar bee

    This is all so bizarre. 

    Where did he get the money to purchase a condo with you? So you’re both paying on a mortgage but you’re not even close to living together and moving in?

     Why?

    Post # 12
    Member
    462 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    What in the world ….

    Girl, you better check the inside of that condo and make sure he isn’t in there living a double life.

     

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    606 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2019

    What kind of “tradition” dictates a young woman can buy property with a guy, but can’t take charge of her own future and propose?! Seconding the opinion something fishy is going on… I’d demand more of his free time on weeknights and to see the condo right now. You have a key, right? 

    Post # 15
    Member
    606 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2019

    “The unit is ready we can move in anytime” and “the unit hasn’t been turned over to us yet” don’t add up… you own half the place, go obtain your access or establish your date of possession with the building/seller.

    Also, he can tell you all the pretty things you want to hear, (“we’re gonna get married”) but if his actions don’t back him up, they are just words. Don’t believe what a man promises, count on what he does.

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