MemberFive years together and you only spend time together Sundays. You bought a condo together that you can’t access because you’re not moving in yet and he gives half his salary to his parents who admittedly don’t need the money as they appear to have income from apartments they own. I am adding my vote for he’s leading some sort of double life and you’re the other woman.
MemberWas this purchased from family? What’s the real story?
MemberIf the unit is turned over to us it would have additional fees monthly so since we are not going to move in yet I didn’t ask to turn it over to us also my bf’s family already has a unit in the same building they currently live there. His mom takes care of paying every month I just give him the cash. It’s kind of sad I would have wanted to live there with him immediately but I want us to be married first (my family requires that as well).
MemberMemberThe PP’s have already said evething I wanted to say about the bizarre living and money situation that you two have. However, I am most concerned about the insecurities that come up on your post, like thinking that all fights are your fault and that no one else will love you. You need to start focusing on yourself, start new hobbies (I recommend working out because that’s the fastest way to improve your self esteem and happiness), and learn to think positively. Read “Learned Optimism” by Martin Selikman – I think you will benefit greatly from it. Once you’ve figured out how wonderful you are and how many positive things there are in your life, you’ll see a whole different way to handle your complicated situation. Good luck!
MemberAnd sadly, it seems your self-esteem and self-confidence are low enough that you still have him on a pedestal and feel grateful he’ll put up with you 🙁 Is this your first serious relationship or have you felt like this in other relationships? If this is your first serious relationship, then you need to examine if low self esteem is something you have in general or if it’s part of being in a patriarchal, unbalanced relationship where you feel lucky to have him but instead of him feeling lucky to have you, he also seems to feel you’re lucky to have him- and with both of you putting him first and you second (actually, third, because he puts his family first, himself second, and you a distant third)….so who is looking after what’s best for YOU? You need to make sure YOU matter- and it may not be do-able in this relationship. If this low self-esteem, low self-confidence of yours is a pattern in relationships rather than specific to this situation….you should consider speaking to a therapist. Actually, that wouldn’t be a bad idea regardless of what you decide to do.
MemberMemberp.s. As a parent, I would NEVER take half my kid’s salary and most especially I would not see my adult child struggling to secure his own future while financing my ‘better lifestyle’ WTF?! I would seriously be side-eyeing that family dynamic and think long and hard about marrying into it. (He says things will change when you get married, don’t count on it, it sounds like unfortunately his family will still call the shots and you’d still be in a distant third place)
MemberMemberBee, I just want you to know you came here looking for answers to questions you’re too scared or shy to directly ask your boyfriend. While you might be getting tough love, know that everyone is answering from a place of love. We want what’s best for every woman: happiness, freedom, honesty and equality in relationships.
Im concerned this guy isn’t being honest with you about your money, in addition to your relationship. What contact have you had with the seller of the condo, and what documents do you have for the purchase? Is your name on the sale? I dont think it’s right that hes calling all the shots with your money and leaving you out.
MemberHe’s a very family-oriented guy, most often he goes out on vacation with family more than he does with friends. I did like that about him but I wouldn’t want to come after his family on his priority list. It would be nice if I can be an equal to his family. And yes I agree with you if I get to have a child someday I would want them to enjoy their life and not feel obliged to take care of me.
Memberyou need to stop paying for a condo you are not allowed to live in.
MemberDoes he share your faith and values about sex and marriage? If not, unfortunately, I think it’s even more likely there’s something fishy going on with this condo and half the salary disappearing.
MemberI know it feels like you’re out of options among more traditionally-minded people at age 29 as most of them get married young, but there are so many women in those communities who get married older than that. If you are concerned about your age, waiting in this dead-end relationship is only going to mean you’re older when you’re out of it and on the market again
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