Boyfriend taking too long to propose

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
  • poll:
  • Post # 16
    Member
    1300 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Five years together and you only spend time together Sundays. You bought a condo together that you can’t access because you’re not moving in yet and he gives half his salary to his parents who admittedly don’t need the money as they appear to have income from apartments they own. I am adding my vote for he’s leading some sort of double life and you’re the other woman. 

    Post # 17
    Member
    2562 posts
    Sugar bee

    rciel :  How do you own something for three months and pay the mortgage on but “the unit hasn’t been turned over to us yet because we have no plans of moving in?” Who the hell hasn’t given you access to something you own? Surely the condo building doesn’t give a rat’s butt if you’re ready to move in, they would hand you keys at closing. 

    Was this purchased from family? What’s the real story?

    Post # 20
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    The PP’s have already said evething I wanted to say about the bizarre living and money situation that you two have. However, I am most concerned about the insecurities that come up on your post, like thinking that all fights are your fault and that no one else will love you. You need to start focusing on yourself, start new hobbies (I recommend working out because that’s the fastest way to improve your self esteem and happiness), and learn to think positively. Read “Learned Optimism” by Martin Selikman – I think you will benefit greatly from it. Once you’ve figured out how wonderful you are and how many positive things there are in your life, you’ll see a whole different way to handle your complicated situation. Good luck!

    Post # 21
    Member
    5972 posts
    Bee Keeper

    rciel :  Your boyfriend seems to expect a subservient partner- and if you stay with him, this expectation will go from ‘subservient girlfriend’ to ‘subservient wife’ – as clearly he’s making all of the decisions in your relationship, including but by no means limited to when/ if you’ll get married. 

    And sadly, it seems your self-esteem and self-confidence are low enough that you still have him on a pedestal and feel grateful he’ll put up with you 🙁  Is this your first serious relationship or have you felt like this in other relationships? If this is your first serious relationship, then you need to examine if low self esteem is something you have in general or if it’s part of being in a patriarchal, unbalanced relationship where you feel lucky to have him but instead of him feeling lucky to have you, he also seems to feel you’re lucky to have him- and with both of you putting him first and you second (actually, third, because he puts his family first, himself second, and you a distant third)….so who is looking after what’s best for YOU? You need to make sure YOU matter- and it may not be do-able in this relationship. If this low self-esteem, low self-confidence of yours is a pattern in relationships rather than specific to this situation….you should consider speaking to a therapist. Actually, that wouldn’t be a bad idea regardless of what you decide to do. 

     

    Post # 23
    Member
    5972 posts
    Bee Keeper

    p.s. As a parent, I would NEVER take half my kid’s salary and most especially I would not see my adult child struggling to secure his own future while financing my ‘better lifestyle’ WTF?!  I would seriously be side-eyeing that family dynamic and think long and hard about marrying into it. (He says things will change when you get married, don’t count on it, it sounds like unfortunately his family will still call the shots and you’d still be in a distant third place)

    Post # 25
    Member
    636 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2019

    Bee, I just want you to know you came here looking for answers to questions you’re too scared or shy to directly ask your boyfriend. While you might be getting tough love, know that everyone is answering from a place of love. We want what’s best for every woman: happiness, freedom,  honesty and equality in relationships.

    Im concerned this guy isn’t being honest with you about your money, in addition to your relationship. What contact have you had with the seller of the condo, and what documents do you have for the purchase? Is your name on the sale? I dont think it’s right that hes calling all the shots with your money and leaving you out.

    Post # 27
    Member
    1328 posts
    Bumble bee

    you need to stop paying for a condo you are not allowed to live in. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    200 posts
    Helper bee

    Does he share your faith and values about sex and marriage? If not, unfortunately, I think it’s even more likely there’s something fishy going on with this condo and half the salary disappearing.

    Post # 29
    Member
    200 posts
    Helper bee

    I know it feels like you’re out of options among more traditionally-minded people at age 29 as most of them get married young, but there are so many women in those communities who get married older than that. If you are concerned about your age, waiting in this dead-end relationship is only going to mean you’re older when you’re out of it and on the market again

    Post # 30
    Member
    321 posts
    Helper bee

    rciel :  wow this is sad. I understand you don’t want to ever break up again but just bc you don’t want to deal with that doesn’t mean you should just settle and stay in this (or any) relationship. It all seems so sketchy to me, I agree with PP you sound like the other woman (or he’s living some sort of secret). Why would you buy a condo together if you don’t plan on living in it? If you were waiting for marriage you should’ve atleast waited till you were engaged first. You are close to 30 and he’s already in his 30’s but you both love with your parents AND “own” a condo that you don’t live in. That seems odd. He sounds like he’s just selling you dreams and if he does have another woman in his life (like it sounds like he does) he or his family who live in the building etc will never tell you. It’s strange how little you guys see each other even though your adults who have been together 5 yrs and technically own a place together. No offense but it sounds like your being taken advantage of and you don’t even notice! Just try working on yourself, stop making excuses for him/yourself and keep your eyes open . Also do you or him want children? Not to scare you or anything but that’s something you should seriously discuss with him because your close to 30 and the older you get the harder it is to even get pregnant most OB’s consider 35 a high risk pregnancy. If he doesn’t want kids you need to know now bc if you do ,that’s another reason to move on 

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