(Closed) Boyfriend taking too long to propose

posted 3 years ago in Proposals
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  • Post # 31
    Member
    425 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Hey Bee,

    So much of this is confusing, I’m not gonna lie. Things are not adding up, and I see red flags everywhere. The other bees are asking all the right questions about those red flags, but there is something still really bugging me. Why do you only spend one day a week together? Do you live far away? Work different shifts? It’s odd to me to love each other so much, without much time investment. Sure, it’s been 5 years, but at only one day a week? And that day has to be Sunday??? Why? 

    Post # 34
    Member
    2222 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

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    rciel :  holy shit, I’m sorry to be blunt Hun but this is a clusterfuck. 

    You are paying half the monthly mortgage to your boyfriends mother, for something you aren’t allowed to live in and haven’t been in. If you’ve purchased his condo between you and your partner, I’m assuming you’ve got all the paperwork, copies and you’ve actually signed stuff? If you have no paperwork and have not signed any contracts then you’re being duped. Even if this is legit and you did buy a house, you’re paying a mortgage for somewhere you aren’t living in. You are completely correct that this is completely ridiculous and you should be renting it out until you move in. Leaving it empty for a year is pointless, even if you’re only renting it for 6 months at least it would help to give you a small amount of savings. Why does he get to be the only one who decides what happens with a shared asset? Bullshit – this is your life and your future too.

    On that note – after five years you get a say in when you’ll get married because again your future too. He doesn’t get to decide everything. Stand up for yourself and fight for yourself because he is walking all over you.

    Stop thinking you’re the worst thing ever and you’re lucky to have a guy like this. Introverts deserve love too. I’m an introvert and I worry all the time, sure they aren’t my best habits but damn I’ve got a lot of redeeming qualities – as do you. If my husband ever hinted that I’m lucky to have him and that I couldn’t find someone else I would be dumping his arse so quickly that he’d blink and miss it. Also it takes two to argue. You are not solely responsible for all the arguments and don’t let him tell you otherwise. Arguments happen because BOTH people aren’t communicating properly.

    He can’t back up his promises with actions. Actions speak louder than words. You’ve bought a condo with him and have no access to it but you’re not allowed any input in his finances. Again bull.

    Honeslty Bee, reading your updates has just got worse and worse. I think this is the angriest I’ve ever been reading one of these threads. And from an anonymous point on the internet where it is black and white – he’s using you, he’s not ready to commit to you and is making you feel worthless. Mixed with your stresses about arbitrary timelines for weddings and families, you’re staying with someone who doesn’t cherish you, doesn’t want to build a family with you. You deserve to be someone’s whole world, but you need to realise that and make it happen.

    Post # 35
    Member
    2671 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

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    rciel :  I’ve read all of your responses and I’m having trouble putting all of the puzzle pieces together. Something isn’t adding up. But, here’s my advice:

    1. Take the income that you’re giving your parents and start saving for yourself. It’s not your responsibility to support them or pay for their child’s education. Have you saved for your retirement? 

    2. Find an apartment of your own or with a roommate and move out. Focus on you by finding a space you can call your own.

    3. Stop paying for this shady shared condo with your boyfriend – is your name on the deed? If so, rent it out or sell it. Never buy property with somebody you’re not married to.

    4. Start hanging out with friends, and meet new people in your city. You mentioned your faith – go to church so you can meet and volunteer with adults your age. Also, do “non church” things.

    5. Have an honest conversation with your BF. Tell him “I want to married – what date do you see that happening for us?” After he replies with a firm date, go ring shopping with him.

    If he can’t give an actual calendar date, continue to LIVE YOUR LIFE and enjoy your newfound independence without him. 5 years is more than enough time.

    You seem like a sweet person, but you need to stand on your own two feet. That time is now. Good luck!!

     

    Post # 36
    Member
    5778 posts
    Bee Keeper

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    rciel :  “He says saturday is his rest day”

    Being an older Bee (lol fossilized by weddingbee standards), I can’t tell you how much this seemingly innocuous statement implies: 

    – he expects you to fit into his lifestyle. your own wants are secondary if even considered at all. His expectations aren’t that you’ll build a life together but that you’ll fit yourself into the parameters he sets out. 

    – everyone’s entitled to ‘down time’ but if he’s limiting seeing you to one day a week because he needs a full day not exerting himself even enough to see his girlfriend, then barring extenuating circumstances (like health issues) he’s either very into coddling himself or he’s just not that into you. 

    – coddling himself/ looking after his own needs while not considering yours is something that will most DEFINITELY continue on in a marriage. This type of guy will so very predictably be the kind to sit on his ass on the sofa while you make dinner/ bathe the children/ do 3 loads of laundry- even if you work as many hours as he does- and then make you feel bad because you fall short of the cooking &/ or housekeeping standards set by his beloved mother. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    5778 posts
    Bee Keeper

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    rciel :  p.s. Sweetie- in regards to your reply to me. I’ve been single and I’ve been in bad relationships and good relationships and BY FAR the unhappiest I’ve been is in a bad relationship. Break-ups suck, having your heart broken sucks, but being in a bad relationship is far far worse. And not wanting to go through a break-up isn’t enough reason to stay with someone who doesn’t value you and makes you question your own self-worth. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    3228 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    View original reply
    rciel :  Huge red flags everywhere. …I am very suspicious that he is playing you.  You give him your money for a condo you supposedly own jointly,  but you don’t have possession of(?!)  He sees you infrequently,(basically)when he feels like it. He claims he gives half his salary to his parents and so can’t get engaged to you… Op nooooo, open your eyes here.  Look up online whos name is on the title to the condo.Check who is living there.  Go to his house on a Saturday, the day he’s supposed to be “resting”.  Girl open your eyes…

    Post # 40
    Member
    653 posts
    Busy bee

    At this point, depending on how close you are with his family, I would sit down for a frank and honest discussion with his parents.  Tell them how much you value their son’s commitment to them, but that you’ve been wanting the two of you to start a life together, and that one of his main complaints about not having done so is finances.  

    I don’t think his parents will need you to walk them through the details of how they’re contributing to his lack of money to purchase a ring.  But… they do know their son, and you’ve known them for five years now.  If your boyfriend has been honest with you and with them, they should already see you as a future daughter in law.  You can TALK to them about the future.  They will be your family, as well. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    7439 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    View original reply
    RobbieAndJuliahaha :  “I’ve been single and I’ve been in bad relationships and good relationships and BY FAR the unhappiest I’ve been is in a bad relationship.”

    ME TOO. No comparison. I’d rather be a crazy single cat lady for the rest of my days than in a bad relationship….it’s a no brainer.

    Post # 42
    Member
    587 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2019

    View original reply
    RobbieAndJuliahaha :  GREAT point. We spend our “rest days” together. He’d rather have me on the opposite end of the couch reading all day and generally ignoring him, than be alone. 

    When someone wants to be with you, being together matters way more than having something to do.

    Post # 44
    Member
    1192 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    Holy fuck, this is sketch as hell.

    Dude says he won’t stop paying half his salary to his parents until you’re married but can’t marry you because he’s paying half his salary to his parents. Do you see the contradiction in this? He is not making any effort to make a family with you or start a life with you. All you have from him right now are words, not actions and really, words don’t mean anything. Trust someone’s actions and this dude’s actions says that he does not care about your life together. He says he needs to save money to marry you (for some unknown reason), but won’t make sacrifices to do it. You’ve been together for 5 years and he only sees you on Sundays, because he won’t sacrifice his “rest time” to spend time with you on Saturdays. Look at his actions.

    Also, this condo business seems shady as hell. Do you have any proof that the cash you’re handing over to his mom every month is going to a mortgage???? 

    Honey, it sounds like you have a lot of people in your ear telling you that you aren’t shit (including your own mother). You are the shit! Nobody should ever make you feel like you’re lucky to be with them. I’m pissy and moody and loud and negative and whatever else and my Fiance has never made me feel like I should be so lucky to be with him. Everything you’re saying about your relationship makes me feel like this is some toxic shit. You never win your fights but feel like they’re your fault every time. You totally accept that he pays half his salary to his parents even though you want to start saving for your own family. You totally accept that he should have all the control in deciding your future – IT’S YOUR FUTURE TOO! You get to have a say. You don’t have to just shut up and sit down and wait around for him. If you’re not being appreciated and your voice isn’t being heard, this is a bad relationship!

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