Post # 31
So much of this is confusing, I’m not gonna lie. Things are not adding up, and I see red flags everywhere. The other bees are asking all the right questions about those red flags, but there is something still really bugging me. Why do you only spend one day a week together? Do you live far away? Work different shifts? It’s odd to me to love each other so much, without much time investment. Sure, it’s been 5 years, but at only one day a week? And that day has to be Sunday??? Why?
Post # 32
I am so glad to have posted here it seems to get a load off my chest! My mom and sister are surely so sick and tired of hearing me whine about this every single day. At first I didn’t tell this to my bf b/c I don’t want to look pathetic and begging for him to propose to me when other girls didn’t do that and still their bfs took the initiative to propose without their girls nagging them. But then everyone advised me to be more open and honest with my bf and that there is nothing wrong with talking about this with him. So we talked about this a few times but I still feel unsettled. So I really appreciate your responses to me. 🙂
Yes my name is on the documents as co owner of the unit. Since I trust him with my money I didn’t ask much details. He does show me the receipts. He’s not really leaving me out, more of he is letting his mom take care of it, we both just hand her the payment every month.
Even at this age we both are quite very dependent on our parents.
Post # 33
actually I tried talking about that with him b/c i also felt this is becoming an issue since if it were up to me i would want us to meet as much as possible but we weren’t like this before. I think mainly it has to do with our shifts. We live about an hour away from each other. He works day shift i work mid shift but recently he changed jobs so we have the same shift now hopefully we’ll see a lot more of each other now. But still not everyday since i work at home twice a week. He says saturday is his rest day so we go out on sundays.
Post # 34
holy shit, I’m sorry to be blunt Hun but this is a clusterfuck.
You are paying half the monthly mortgage to your boyfriends mother, for something you aren’t allowed to live in and haven’t been in. If you’ve purchased his condo between you and your partner, I’m assuming you’ve got all the paperwork, copies and you’ve actually signed stuff? If you have no paperwork and have not signed any contracts then you’re being duped. Even if this is legit and you did buy a house, you’re paying a mortgage for somewhere you aren’t living in. You are completely correct that this is completely ridiculous and you should be renting it out until you move in. Leaving it empty for a year is pointless, even if you’re only renting it for 6 months at least it would help to give you a small amount of savings. Why does he get to be the only one who decides what happens with a shared asset? Bullshit – this is your life and your future too.
On that note – after five years you get a say in when you’ll get married because again your future too. He doesn’t get to decide everything. Stand up for yourself and fight for yourself because he is walking all over you.
Stop thinking you’re the worst thing ever and you’re lucky to have a guy like this. Introverts deserve love too. I’m an introvert and I worry all the time, sure they aren’t my best habits but damn I’ve got a lot of redeeming qualities – as do you. If my husband ever hinted that I’m lucky to have him and that I couldn’t find someone else I would be dumping his arse so quickly that he’d blink and miss it. Also it takes two to argue. You are not solely responsible for all the arguments and don’t let him tell you otherwise. Arguments happen because BOTH people aren’t communicating properly.
He can’t back up his promises with actions. Actions speak louder than words. You’ve bought a condo with him and have no access to it but you’re not allowed any input in his finances. Again bull.
Honeslty Bee, reading your updates has just got worse and worse. I think this is the angriest I’ve ever been reading one of these threads. And from an anonymous point on the internet where it is black and white – he’s using you, he’s not ready to commit to you and is making you feel worthless. Mixed with your stresses about arbitrary timelines for weddings and families, you’re staying with someone who doesn’t cherish you, doesn’t want to build a family with you. You deserve to be someone’s whole world, but you need to realise that and make it happen.
Post # 35
I’ve read all of your responses and I’m having trouble putting all of the puzzle pieces together. Something isn’t adding up. But, here’s my advice:
1. Take the income that you’re giving your parents and start saving for yourself. It’s not your responsibility to support them or pay for their child’s education. Have you saved for your retirement?
2. Find an apartment of your own or with a roommate and move out. Focus on you by finding a space you can call your own.
3. Stop paying for this shady shared condo with your boyfriend – is your name on the deed? If so, rent it out or sell it. Never buy property with somebody you’re not married to.
4. Start hanging out with friends, and meet new people in your city. You mentioned your faith – go to church so you can meet and volunteer with adults your age. Also, do “non church” things.
5. Have an honest conversation with your BF. Tell him “I want to married – what date do you see that happening for us?” After he replies with a firm date, go ring shopping with him.
If he can’t give an actual calendar date, continue to LIVE YOUR LIFE and enjoy your newfound independence without him. 5 years is more than enough time.
You seem like a sweet person, but you need to stand on your own two feet. That time is now. Good luck!!
Post # 36
“He says saturday is his rest day”
Being an older Bee (lol fossilized by weddingbee standards), I can’t tell you how much this seemingly innocuous statement implies:
– he expects you to fit into his lifestyle. your own wants are secondary if even considered at all. His expectations aren’t that you’ll build a life together but that you’ll fit yourself into the parameters he sets out.
– everyone’s entitled to ‘down time’ but if he’s limiting seeing you to one day a week because he needs a full day not exerting himself even enough to see his girlfriend, then barring extenuating circumstances (like health issues) he’s either very into coddling himself or he’s just not that into you.
– coddling himself/ looking after his own needs while not considering yours is something that will most DEFINITELY continue on in a marriage. This type of guy will so very predictably be the kind to sit on his ass on the sofa while you make dinner/ bathe the children/ do 3 loads of laundry- even if you work as many hours as he does- and then make you feel bad because you fall short of the cooking &/ or housekeeping standards set by his beloved mother.
Post # 37
p.s. Sweetie- in regards to your reply to me. I’ve been single and I’ve been in bad relationships and good relationships and BY FAR the unhappiest I’ve been is in a bad relationship. Break-ups suck, having your heart broken sucks, but being in a bad relationship is far far worse. And not wanting to go through a break-up isn’t enough reason to stay with someone who doesn’t value you and makes you question your own self-worth.
Post # 39
Huge red flags everywhere. …I am very suspicious that he is playing you. You give him your money for a condo you supposedly own jointly, but you don’t have possession of(?!) He sees you infrequently,(basically)when he feels like it. He claims he gives half his salary to his parents and so can’t get engaged to you… Op nooooo, open your eyes here. Look up online whos name is on the title to the condo.Check who is living there. Go to his house on a Saturday, the day he’s supposed to be “resting”. Girl open your eyes…
Post # 40
At this point, depending on how close you are with his family, I would sit down for a frank and honest discussion with his parents. Tell them how much you value their son’s commitment to them, but that you’ve been wanting the two of you to start a life together, and that one of his main complaints about not having done so is finances.
I don’t think his parents will need you to walk them through the details of how they’re contributing to his lack of money to purchase a ring. But… they do know their son, and you’ve known them for five years now. If your boyfriend has been honest with you and with them, they should already see you as a future daughter in law. You can TALK to them about the future. They will be your family, as well.
Post # 41
RobbieAndJuliahaha : “I’ve been single and I’ve been in bad relationships and good relationships and BY FAR the unhappiest I’ve been is in a bad relationship.”
ME TOO. No comparison. I’d rather be a crazy single cat lady for the rest of my days than in a bad relationship….it’s a no brainer.
Post # 42
GREAT point. We spend our “rest days” together. He’d rather have me on the opposite end of the couch reading all day and generally ignoring him, than be alone.
When someone wants to be with you, being together matters way more than having something to do.
Post # 43
Not really “not allowed” to live in. He actually told me repeatedly before that me and my sister can live there in the mean time or even my whole family
(b/c I’ve mentioned we wanted to transfer houses since our house is getting really old and seriously in need of renovation but we don’t have the money to renovate it) but I was the one who declined b/c I want us to be the ones living there someday. Yes I’ve signed some papers and I did read them.
I actually only suggested to rent out the place out of bitterness but if it were up to me, if we will be living in that unit, I would want it to be brand new as well. The only problem is we don’t have a definite date yet of when we will be moving in there.
Yes I do want to take charge too but whenever we talk about this and I ask him about his plans’ details, he told me not to ask too much so as not to spoil his “surprise”. He assures me our wedding will be end of this year or early next year but I still find it hard to believe specially since he hasn’t even proposed yet.
Yea I understand you, I get angry too whenever I think about this. To me, he is practically my whole world. But I’m not sure if he thinks that way of me too. He always tell me he wants to build a family with me, he wants plenty of kids, but I’m not sure if he really mean those words.
Post # 44
Holy fuck, this is sketch as hell.
Dude says he won’t stop paying half his salary to his parents until you’re married but can’t marry you because he’s paying half his salary to his parents. Do you see the contradiction in this? He is not making any effort to make a family with you or start a life with you. All you have from him right now are words, not actions and really, words don’t mean anything. Trust someone’s actions and this dude’s actions says that he does not care about your life together. He says he needs to save money to marry you (for some unknown reason), but won’t make sacrifices to do it. You’ve been together for 5 years and he only sees you on Sundays, because he won’t sacrifice his “rest time” to spend time with you on Saturdays. Look at his actions.
Also, this condo business seems shady as hell. Do you have any proof that the cash you’re handing over to his mom every month is going to a mortgage????
Honey, it sounds like you have a lot of people in your ear telling you that you aren’t shit (including your own mother). You are the shit! Nobody should ever make you feel like you’re lucky to be with them. I’m pissy and moody and loud and negative and whatever else and my Fiance has never made me feel like I should be so lucky to be with him. Everything you’re saying about your relationship makes me feel like this is some toxic shit. You never win your fights but feel like they’re your fault every time. You totally accept that he pays half his salary to his parents even though you want to start saving for your own family. You totally accept that he should have all the control in deciding your future – IT’S YOUR FUTURE TOO! You get to have a say. You don’t have to just shut up and sit down and wait around for him. If you’re not being appreciated and your voice isn’t being heard, this is a bad relationship!
Post # 45
1. I don’t have my own savings. I only have 1 savings account that is joint with my BF but it got severely decreased b/c we used it as downpayment for the condo. 🙁
2. Yes the idea sounds lovely, my sister actually wants that too. But with how my parents are right now (getting older and have health issues), I can’t really leave them.
3. Yes I’m co-owner on the condo. I told myself before it’s ok to buy it with him even though we’re not married yet b/c if worst comes to worst we can just sell it again or something.
4. That is a problem since I’m introvert, I have a hard time socializing and dealing with people. Occasionally I get invited out by my girl friends but even then I bring my BF with me b/c it’s on Sundays and since Sunday is our only date day, I bring him with me to meet my girl friends.
5. I’d like to do this but it kind of makes me sad b/c as a girl, I want to experience being proposed to. And I want to be taken by surprise. 🙁 It’s starting to look like an impossible dream now though.
Thank you bee! Yes I’ll need lots of good luck indeed.